Tomorrow’s only a day away

Four months since I last saw my mom.  The longest time I ever went without talking to her before now, like a week, if that. 

If I didn’t call my mom to her liking, she called me and said, “You never call me!”  I did, of course! I called her all the time! But it was never enough to her liking. Must be a mom thing.   

I miss her more than I could ever tell you.  There just aren’t enough words in the English language. 

I haven’t told anyone who I have met since that day that I lost my mom.  All the new people that I have met at school, they have no idea.  And when they tell me about their mom, it breaks my heart that I can’t join in on the fun.  Actually, most new people don’t even know that I have a husband and kids.  I kinda just keep all that personal stuff to myself.  I mainly talk about school to them and that’s it.  

But behind closed doors, I totally and 100% define myself by my mom’s death, but I don’t make that public to just everyone.  I don’t tell people how much pain that I am in, not even my hubby knows.  She is now all but forgotten by everyone but me. I know she is not like forgotten-forgotten. I know that people still remember her, but her name is never brought up anymore.  I haven’t talked to her boyfriend or his family in months – it seems.  My hubby said that they would fade away and I guess he was right.  Nobody calls to check up on me to see how I am doing, not even my hubby.  I guess I’m suppose just be over it or at least learned enough now on how to deal with it all on my own. 

It’s funny though.  My smiles that were once so fake have become even more fake.  I have all but convinced myself that I will never be happy again and that God hates me. 

I don’t know anyone else who as lost their mom, husband loosing his job and to top it all of, we had a massive leak or something in our house and now we have heater fans thingies in our house and under our house to dry everything out which means that this months eclectic bill will be through the roof. Full of awesome, yes?  And to top it all off, I don’t know where we will be living in 90 days! Will my hubby find a local job? Will he find a job elsewhere? And if it is elsewhere, then where? And my house is so hot right now! Nobody can sleep with all this heat stuff going on.  I am just so over all this. It seems like there is always one thing after another and the chances of me actually being happy for longer than a repeat of Glee are next to impossible. I can’t seem to catch a break to save my life!  

I know, I know, self pity party of one your table is ready.  Or you are thinking, “God girl, go see someone. You can be happy again, I promise!” But I will give you a million excuses as to why I don’t want to go see someone and why I don’t think I will ever be happy again. Right now all I think about is that, “I’m the girl who lost her mom and grandma this year. My husband is loosing his job in less than a month with no other job lined up.  And my house is so hot that I can’t sleep! (not that I sleep a whole hell of a lot anyway) and as you know, I feel so fat, old and ugly right now.” And I can’t define myself any other way right now.

This year as been so horribly bad for me and I don’t know how much more I can take.  I don’t know how much more can be put on my shoulders before I literally just crumble down and break into a million pieces.  I don’t know how many more unhappy moments that I can take or how many more fake smiles that I have in me.  No worries seriously though, I’m not gonna go off and kill myself or anything like that!!  I just honestly don’t know how much more shit I can take before I  have a nervous breakdown.  I don’t know how many more times bad news can be delivered to me before I start screaming and never stop. How many more bad news moments until I end up in a padded room somewhere? 

And the biggest mistake I made, or better yet, the worse advice I ever took, right after my mom passed, I had her mail transferred to me.  So every. single. day. I get some piece of mail in her name reminding me every day of my loss.  And it sucks.  The hubby has offered to start to check the mail, but I’m such a control freak about the bills and things of that nature that I trust nobody but me to check the mail and make sure everything is in it’s perfect place.  The mail is a sickness with me. I have no idea why.

I want to be happy. I am thankful to be in school, but worried about the money this is costing us and how crazy was I do this now in my life??!?! And if I had known that my husband’s plant was going to be closing this year, I would have never quit my job and gone back to school.  I regret the decision that I made already. My timing of wanting to change my life could not be worse, but for me, just par for the course I guess.  I look at my girls and their smiles and try to pull their happiness into my soul, but nothing.  Their happiness is their own.  I try to be thankful for a husband who loves me, but truth be told, some of the love is starting to be filled with resentment. He hasn’t gotten a job yet. He, who is my only safety net left, is not giving me that safe feeling anymore (do know that jobs today start off paying like crap! Which is so awesome when you have a family of four to support.) AND he has his mom to call him daily and I don’t have mine.  I’m jealous of him and pissed off at him all at once.  I have no support system here.  I looked at my cell phone bill, you know how many calls I received and made on the last bill? Zero.  How sad.  I don’t call anyone and nobody calls me.  In the last month, I have four real people email me.    I don’t think it’s possible to feel more alone than I do right now.  I don’t think it’s possible to feel more scared than I do right now.  What is so wrong with me that nobody wants to call me? I guess my sadness is just so freaking overwhelming that nobody wants to come near me even if it is by phone? I need to just face the fact that I will never have a best friend in real life who I can just hop over to her house and have coffee with her and dinners at friends houses are just totally and 100% out of the question. It is nice to have a blogger family, but this computer can’t take the place of phone call with a real live voice on the other end.  This computer can’t take the place of a hug when I’m crying.  I need to face the fact that I when I die, the only people there will be my husband and kids and my closest blogger friends who won’t find my funeral an inconvenience.  Ya know, I don’t even know enough people to have pallbearers for my coffin.  How sad is that?!??! But again, I swear I am not planning on killing myself!!! I could never do that to my girls.  Even I’m not that selfish!

But what bothers me the most is why did I quit my job? Why didn’t I wait? Had I waited just a month, I would have known that my husband’s plant would be closing.  And what the fuck are we going to do for money when he no longer has a job?  How does that work?  I can’t go back to my job.  It’s not there anymore.  Someone else is doing my job.  Really though, how much more can I take?  I don’t want to know.  But I’m scared I’m gonna find out no matter what my wishes are. I’m scared to answer the phone thinking it will be just more bad news.  I am scared when my husband walks in the door that he will deliver more bad news.  I hate to check my mail because I know that it’s full of bills and reminders about my mom and none of that is good news (yes, I know, I should start to let my husband check the mail).  I am scared about when my husband is no longer working, what if we need medical care?  How does that work when you have no insurance?  I can hardly pay our medical bills now, let alone without insurance!  So much racing in my mind. So much to think about.  So. Much. Shit. 

But I guess this lonely scared life is just how it’s supposed to be right now.  Maybe tomorrow will be better than today? Maybe.  The little hope that I have left is all going towards that tomorrow is better than today.    

I just want someone to see me as pretty

I walked into the gas station yesterday to buy some cigarettes.  The cashier asked if I worked at Wal-Mart.  I guess I looked liked someone that worked at Wal-Mart wearing my kaki pants and a blue shirt with my hair pulled back into a pony tail – why was my hair in a pony tail you ask? Well, last time I dyed my hair, I just bought this root thingy stuff since it’s not my entire scalp of head that turned grey.  However, it was the first time I ever used that stuff and you may not realize it, but I have massive amounts of hair.  One bottle of root stuff just didn’t cover everything like I had expected and yes, I had my hair in a pony tail because it’s the only thing that hid all the straggly grey hairs that I didn’t covered with one bottle of root stuff. 

BUT. When the cashier asked me if I worked at Wal-Mart, all I could think about is the pictures that I’ve seen on WalmartPeopole.com and I thought, “O.M.G. Do I look like *THAT*?!?!?”

Anyway, that was was long winded, wasn’t it?

Again, yesterday at school, before class there was a group of standing in the hallway chatting before the other class let out so that we could go in.  One of the older guys, I’m guessing like 45ish – he has stated that he is retired military so I’m guessing he is in his 40’s.  Any who, in some boring way that is even more boring the story of my hair dye root stuff as described in the above paragraph- we started talking about Eddie Murphy’s Raw stand up act.  He asked, “Man, we are showing our age aren’t we?”  I replied, “Yes, I guess we are.”

Oh. My. Gawd. Am I sick of not being pretty and young.  I literally want to shot myself in the head, ok, not really, but still. I am so sick of being old and ugly and fat.  I used to think it was just the way that *I* saw myself and now I’m finding out that is not, in fact, just the way that I see myself.  Apparently everyone sees me this way. 

It. Is. So. Depressing.

The whole thing about being asked how I feel about returning to school and being around all “these young people” by a 17 year old twat.  And then looking like a Wal-Mart person and now I’m “showing my age?” 

All I want is for someone, other than my hubby because he totally doesn’t count because he tells me daily how beautiful I am. So, it’s kinda like when your mom tells you that you are pretty. It just doesn't count because by law they have to say that type of mushy stuff.  I want someone not related to me, some random person that doesn’t know me from Adam to make me feel and see me as pretty and not old, fat and ugly.  

I want someone to see me and say, “You are 33? No. WAY! ” And mean it.  I want some college boy at school to hit on me or some random guy at a bar.  Do you know how long it has been since I’ve been hit on? Since me and the hubby started dating. Yes, really that long. I only wish I was kidding or making that up.  Is that bad of me to be so vain? I just don’t want be looked at as old and un-pretty and no longer relevant because only pretty people seem to be relevant anymore. 

I just want someone to see me as pretty.   

Ignorance Never Produced Peace: My 9/11 Post

Do you know how we, we as in our white American government, back in the 1860 (give or take a few decades) treated the Indians? In two words: like shit. But you know this right? Trail of Tears anyone? Did you know that is was very publicly said that “The only good Indians I ever saw were dead.” The government sent out soldiers to kill buffaloes because the buffalo was the main source of food for many Indian tribes and by killing the buffaloes, we were able to kill the Indians in many cases. Our government wanted Indians to die, just be dead. Poof. Gone. No more. Why? Because our “people” did not understand the Indians (and we wanted their land to build railroads, but that was almost a bonus that the Indians had the land we needed. I have a sneaky suspicion that we would have wanted them dead anyways because our American government doesn’t like “new stuff” nor “new kind of people” nor change well.) We did not understand their silly dances, their culture, or the way they worshiped. We understood nothing about them so it was easier to kill them than to learn from them. Our own ignorance cost us the opportunity to actually better ourselves from taking what was good about the Indian way of life and improving our own. (As you can tell, I don’t buy into the belief that the only reason we wanted them dead and “away from us” was just so that we could build railroads, feel free to disagree though.)

Ok, so since we have had our history lesson of the day, why am I talking about this now? Today?

I would love to say that we have come a long way since then. That we truly learned our lesson by our misuse of the Indians and black people of the 1860’s, plus or minus a few decades. That we truly learned that we cannot, in fact, force our way of life on upon others that we don’t understand just because if we don’t understand them, then *THEY* must be wrong.

But we haven’t come along way, have we? We, as Americans, still want to force feed our Apple American Pie way of life down the throat of anyone who we deem different because in this America, different *STILL* equals wrong.

I sit here today as a very proud Christian, but I will gladly learn from my Muslim friends, well truth be told, I only have one that I know of and I think she is pretty awesome! SHE is the one that represents to me all Muslims, not the crazy fucks that caused 9/11. And for her, I hope that I help represent Christians everywhere and she does not view Christians as “those crazy people” who want to burn her scriptures that connect her to her God. Also, I hope that she does not view Rev. Phelps as part of who I am and what I believe because those two represent no part of who I am or what I believe no matter how much a Christian bow they tie on it.

I know that the Muslims that caused 9/11 do not speak for every Muslim that walks this earth JUST LIKE that dumbass preacher in Florida nor Rev. Phelps speaks for me as a Christian.

Just FYI- Did I miss the part where every Christian in the history of Christianity has always done everything perfectly and we, as Christians, have never had anybody do anything radical in the name of Christ (David Koresh, Rev Phelps and crazy burning Quran preacher don’t count for this pop quiz)? I mean to be Christian, does that automatically make me and all my “people” perfect because if so, man am I luckier than I thought!

I, for one, not only think the so called “Ground Zero Mosque” should be right smack in the middle of Ground Zero (for one, IT’S NOT A MOSQUE; it’s an Islamic Cultural Center with lots to do instead of planning the next attack horrific attack on America, plus it’s two whole blocks from Ground Zero, so STOP CALLING IT THE GROUND ZERO MOSQUE!**), but we should welcome it with open arms! It is in our Constitution that we, as Americans, are guaranteed freedom of religion.* Our belief in the Constitution is ingrained in us just as much as Coke Cola is the greatest soda ever made, because it totally is!

I think, we as Americans, should welcome that “Mosque” with open arms as a way to say, “Fuck you 9/11 crazy fucks! YOU WILL NOT WIN! You crazy fucks that caused 9/11 DO NOT represent the entire religion of Muslims JUST LIKE everyone who is German does not automatically hate Jewish people in today’s world, nor do white men hate Indians. We have learned from our hatred of black people after the Civil War (Ok, I know that one is still up for discussion, at least where I live). We have have learned from our treatment of the Indians and we will NOT make the same mistakes again. We will take this opportunity to learn and maybe, just maybe become a better society from it. We will not take this opportunity and realize in 100+ years that we fucked it up- again. We have grown and learned from the mistakes our forefathers made. We tried to make the Indians just. like. us. and it didn’t work (Please see Americanization) so we get it, we cannot make the entire world just. like. us. Because we think we our way of life is better than everyone else's. Maybe, just maybe, we can all co-exist with understanding and tolerance.”

I don’t understand why the hatred and anger people have against Muslims building the Islamic Cultural Center near Ground Zero. It was a small handful of crazy people that caused 9/11, and it more than likely would have happened no matter what religion those crazy people were. You can take any religion and twist it in a way that justifies acting a fool, those people just happened to be Muslims (plus, I think some people are literally just born crazy). However, they could have been Christians just as easily. For my religion has not always produced perfect people either, Hello Rev. Phelps and David Koresh, you sicko’s!

Maybe I have it all wrong and feel free to disagree with me. However, I swear to goodness, if I get one more email about Obama being Muslim and some connection about him and 9/11 while holding an upside down phone, I will have a nervous breakdown.

My point to all this: a small handful of crazy people do not represent the entire whole.

Oh! And the ignorance doesn't stop at New York City city limits, nope, this is happening right outside of my town about an hour away, please click to see video.

And here is another local (to me) preacher who wants to burn the Quran.

I don't understand how people can be so against the burning of the Quran yet not accepting of the "Ground Zero Mosque?" How can you think one is wrong and not the other? They are both acts against Muslims and their beliefs, right?

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*"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances."

**It will include a culinary school, gym and basketball court, swimming pool, a Sept. 11 memorial and contemplation space, and a mosque, intended to be run separately from Park51 but open to and accessible to all members, visitors and our New York community.

Taking applications for a new family

How do you make it ok in your mind when you are friends with someone who hurt another friend of yours to the core?

I had this friend who was ended up being very mean to me, hurt my feeling to the core when I was already at a very low point in my life and my cousin is now friends with this person on Facebook!  It makes me ill to see this bitch of a person leaving cute and funny comments on my cousins Facebook page. It makes me more ill that my cousin ever accepted her friend request in the first place knowing how much this person hurt me in the past. 

I see how very little I must mean to my cousin:

This was a message she sent on her birthday in response to all her birthday wishes she received.  Um. Hello. I called her and wished her a happy birthday and even bought her a gift card! And went to a BBQ where my cousin promptly ignored me on her birthday. I felt so sick being with my cousin that day and her ignoring me I ended up faking a tummy ache and leaving early.

When I told my cousin that we were thinking of moving, she said, “What makes you think you will feel anymore at home there than you do here?” Well, thanks to her and her befriending people that hurt me very badly and posting Facebook messages about how “my blood is not thicker than her friends water,” how can I possibly feel at home here with her? How am I expected to feel like her family when she does everything to make me NOT feel like family?

I’m sure to most of of you, I’m just being petty.  I should get over myself and move on. But my cousin and aunt are the only “family” I have left (except of course my own hubby and kids) and I see how little I mean to them- my aunt never calls me as in NEVER EVER.  It hurts. It hurts bad.

I know I was suppose to try funny today, but again, I just can’t. My feelings are hurt and I can’t hide behind funny today.

So, I’m taking applications for a new family. I need brothers, sisters and cousins! It doesn't take much to be accepted, just loyalty and understanding and a kind heart. 

Hello? Is there anybody out there?

We are back from Disney!  It was a great vacation.  It was, however, bittersweet, as I know that there were moments that my mom would have loved. 

For example, while riding the Pirates of the Caribbean ride, I knew that she would have swooned a million times over Captain Jack Sparrow.  I got a little teary eyed during that ride knowing that she would have loved it, and it probably would have been one of her favorites.  After the ride, as with all the rides at Disney, you are let off in the middle of a gift shop full of souvenirs for whatever ride you just rode.  So, after we were let off of Pirates of the Caribbean ride, I made all of us get out of the gift shop quickly.  Had my mom been there, we would have spent at least an hour there and no doubt she would have bought little do-das for my girls. 

I was sad that my mom couldn’t finally meet some of my blogger family, Karl and Heather with whom we met one night at Downtown Disney.  I always wanted her to meet some of you out there just because I always liked showing my mom off to my friends because my mom was really awesome and funny and I’ve just always been that girl that wanted my mom to meet my friends. 

I had one really bad night at Disney, the first night that the hubby called his mom to let her know how things were going.  It hit me like a ton of bricks that I had nobody to call to tell how things were going. Sure I could have called my cousin, but it’s not the same ya know?  I realized that my phone never rang and wasn’t going to ring with calls from a loved one asking, “How’s it going? What’ca doing?”  It was a really bad night for me.  I cried liked a newborn baby all alone in the bathroom realizing that I’m kinda doing this all on my own from this point forward.  My rocks are gone.  My grandpa and my mom were my foundation and now… now what?  My rocks, the people that cared the most about me are gone and the tears just couldn’t be held back anymore.  The hubby and kids were in the dinning lobby area eating dinner and I was thankful that they weren’t there to see the big ball of mess that I had turned into.  I purposely didn’t eat dinner with them that night just because I had been fighting back the tears for hours that day and needed that time alone.  Well, truth be told, I needed my mom. 

Since I’ve been back, again, it’s starting to hit me just how alone I am without my mom.  Of course, I have my hubby and kids and I’m starting to realize that they are pretty much all I have- I have to create a new world where I have to share with them all the goofy stuff I would share with my mom like, “Why do groups of  700 lb people with on scooters go to Disney world? Are there really any rides they can ride?” and hope that they can find the humor in the jokes my mom would laugh at.   

And then tonight, tonight, again another part of all this hit me.  I will never be the center of someone’s world again like I was my mom’s world.  You see, the phone has stopped ringing with calls of concern.  I called my cousin tonight and she was hosting her bible study group at her house.  I called another person and she was just getting ready to eat dinner.  I called my mom’s boyfriend and spoke to him and his family and they talked a little about what they have and haven’t yet got out of my mom’s house and it all lasted about 10 minutes.  My mom’s boyfriend did tell me about a BBQ that he went to over the weekend at my mom’s best friend house and told me of everyone that showed up.  I was a little hurt that I wasn’t invited. Those people are amazing links to who my mom was, she was extremely close to her friends (my mom was WAY more social that I am) and I can only imagine the stories and laughter that they shared. I wish I could have been part of that.  Funny thing, when my mom was here, my mom always invited me and my family to her best friend’s BBQ’s.  Just hearing about the BBQ, I realize again just how much I miss my mom being here. 

I’m really trying not to run and hide and close up from the world. But it’s hard when I reach out and the people I reach for are well, too busy… Like I said before, it’s hard pill to swallow knowing that  I am not the center of anyone’s world like I was my mom’s (and if you have been reading my blog for any length of time, I don’t do well when I reach out to someone and they aren’t right there at that moment- yes, I’m overly sensitive, I know this).  Nobody will put their life on hold to talk to me on the phone like my mom would do.   Nobody probably gave it a second thought to call me while on vacation to see how things were going, and why would anyone?  That’s a mom’s job to do, right?  Mom’s are suppose to do the, “Call me as soon as you get there” and then get mad when you forget because of course, you arrived just fine and hello! you’re an adult and don’t need to check in with your mom like when you were 10 years old.  However, it’s an indescribable lonely feeling when you really have nobody to call to let you know that you arrived there and home again safe and sound.  *insert heavy sigh*  Enough with the pity party for the night, eh?  

I do have some big news that I hope to be sharing in the coming days… and no I’m not pregnant!! :) 

A Scene From Steel Magnolias...

The full post can be found here.