I. Want. Chocolate. Because yes, chocolate fixes a bad day (and breaking stuff, too)

Well, today was day two of this semester of school.  Ok, technically school started Saturday if you count when they unlocked the online classes, but you don’t care about that right? 

Today I was ten minutes late to my first class (I don’t have classes on Monday).  Awesome, yes?  Not really.  I was so embarrassed because naturally the door to the class was in the front of the classroom and not the back. More awesome!  I left 40 minutes before I had to be at class and I was still 10 minutes late.  So, if my math is correct, that is nearly an hour to get to a place that is literally 15-20 minutes from my house.  I don’t know what the hell was going on this morning!  Traffic just sucked ass! And this is the same road I drove many a mornings to work.  It’s not like this was some mystery route I was taking and oh, my bad for not planning better.  I really have no idea what was going on, maybe a construction zone further than I could see?  I don’t know.  Either way, I was pissed and embarrassed that I was late.  On my very fist day of class as a freshman.  Not a great way to start the day. Or semester.

Soooo, next up is going to the library to have them buy back one of my books that I didn’t need.  Nope. Not gonna happen (after waiting an hour in line!).  Again, I don’t know why.  The school promotes that they buy back books, but I guess they don’t buy back this book.  Ugh.  I moved on. “I’ll sell it online or something” I thought.

Then English class, that went well.  Until she pulled out the required books for the semester and low and behold, her books don’t match my books nor any other books anyone else had.  Apparently the bookstore had a mixed up and gave everyone the wrong book. PERFECT! I get to go BACK to the bookstore.  I. Can’t. Wait.

I go back to the bookstore and naturally I can’t find my receipt so they can’t buy back my books OR exchange my books for the correct ones. 

At this point in the story, I’m hot and sweaty from the 100 degree heat and humidity that no air conditioning can seem to cool off.  I’m tired from standing forever in line. Twice.  I’m drained from lack of sleep because hello! I hardly sleep more than a three hours at night.  My mind is racing AND mush from all the stuff that has been shoved into my brain to remember over the last few days.   I’m just a big ball of mess. 

I was so pissed about waiting in line for yet another hour the second time at the bookstore all in one day, that my mind was mush and I didn’t think about asking them to just print me out another receipt  and taking it from there (because surely, if Wal Mart can print me out another receipt upon request, this dumbass bookstore can too? Right?).   So, I’m back the “selling them online” idea or something similar.  I made a firm commitment to myself after today that I will never go back to the school’s bookstore for anything.  They suck ass.  Helpfulness is not something they were apparently ever trained in.

I tell ya, yes, this is HUGE gift that I’ve been given- going back to school.  But it just seems like I’ve jumped through hoops to get into this school, figuring everything out alone.  And with the bathroom incident on Friday and today was a just a bummer of a day. I just feel like that I’m outta my league or something.  I have this lingering feeling of doubt following me.  Maybe it’s just because I’m trying something totally out of my element and it will take some time for me to get my footing and for all of this to feel normal?  Maybe I’m not as smart as I once was, I graduated second in class the last time I did this college thing.  It seemed much easier then. In my memory, everything seemed to come  so easily to me back then.  But in today’s world, the first quiz I took yesterday, I got a 70! A 70! Really? Me? Not ok.  The second quiz I took, I got an 80.  Better, but not great.  I’m like a C student right now. *sigh* A ‘C’ student who arrives late to class and has the wrong books. And to top it all off, I look old. 

I can’t go back to my job, don’t want to go back. I want this education. I really do.  I just want the universe or God or something to send me some sign that I’m doing the right thing, that I’m not crazy for going back to school at this stage in my life.  I want some hardcore reassurance that I’m doing the right thing. 

And I want a Hershey chocolate bar too. 

But this is my “make it better song” that always cheers me up on days like today. What is your “make it better song?”

Taking applications for a new family

How do you make it ok in your mind when you are friends with someone who hurt another friend of yours to the core?

I had this friend who was ended up being very mean to me, hurt my feeling to the core when I was already at a very low point in my life and my cousin is now friends with this person on Facebook!  It makes me ill to see this bitch of a person leaving cute and funny comments on my cousins Facebook page. It makes me more ill that my cousin ever accepted her friend request in the first place knowing how much this person hurt me in the past. 

I see how very little I must mean to my cousin:

This was a message she sent on her birthday in response to all her birthday wishes she received.  Um. Hello. I called her and wished her a happy birthday and even bought her a gift card! And went to a BBQ where my cousin promptly ignored me on her birthday. I felt so sick being with my cousin that day and her ignoring me I ended up faking a tummy ache and leaving early.

When I told my cousin that we were thinking of moving, she said, “What makes you think you will feel anymore at home there than you do here?” Well, thanks to her and her befriending people that hurt me very badly and posting Facebook messages about how “my blood is not thicker than her friends water,” how can I possibly feel at home here with her? How am I expected to feel like her family when she does everything to make me NOT feel like family?

I’m sure to most of of you, I’m just being petty.  I should get over myself and move on. But my cousin and aunt are the only “family” I have left (except of course my own hubby and kids) and I see how little I mean to them- my aunt never calls me as in NEVER EVER.  It hurts. It hurts bad.

I know I was suppose to try funny today, but again, I just can’t. My feelings are hurt and I can’t hide behind funny today.

So, I’m taking applications for a new family. I need brothers, sisters and cousins! It doesn't take much to be accepted, just loyalty and understanding and a kind heart. 

Bring on the rain… we will try funny tomorrow

Ok, so I’m trying to take this blog in a different direction, like a more happy direction.  Even though I’m totally on the edge of falling off a cliff and think about killing myself daily because I just have no idea how to walk this earth without my mom. I really don’t.  Now before you go calling 1-800- Suicide on me, I will not be pulling a Fantasia Barrino, ya know the American Idol winner who tried killing herself a few days ago.  Nope. I won’t kill myself because I have kids and the only thing worse than never hearing my mom tell me that she loves me again, not feeling her warm safe hug, not hearing the phone ring and knowing it will be her, the only thing worst than all that is leaving my kids motherless - on purpose.  Having them call someone else, “Mommy” won’t happen on my watch, Lord willing. 

Wow. That wasn’t funny at all was it? And see, I’m trying to be more fun. I want this blog to be a place where I can have fun with my depression and just come her and be as nutty as I want. I am depressed. You know this. But we can still have fun with it, right?

And no, OH. MY. GOD! I DO NOT want to talk to someone about this (aka a therapist).  I have talked to three of them and nobody gets me. I don’t have the energy at this point in my life to tell my life story yet again. Here is the rundown that I have to go through every time and it’s the same ol’ jibber jabber:

• My dad left me and my mom when I was four. I saw him only a  few more times. He died a few years ago.  Funny how nobody in his family could contact me for like 25+ years, but when he died, they knew how to contact to my mom. 
• I was molested by my step dad for years because I didn’t know it was wrong and never told my mom. I thought every dad did that with is daughter - that it was normal and I was weird or wrong for not liking it. I thought it was so normal that my own mom knew so there was no need to tell her- she did not know for the record.  To this day I hate to be alone in a room with nothing but men, I will surely get a panic attack because I don’t trust men in general.  I’ve absolutely 100% trusted three men in my life as in, no anxiety when I am around them. Luckily my hubby is one of those men and my grandpa was one of the other. 
• My mom married a guy in prison after she divorced my step dad.  He spent over 10 years in prison and when he got out when I was in my 20’s, he promptly went back to doing drugs (not that ever stopped in prison) and tired to kill my mom.
• My best friend since the 6th grade killed himself when I was in my 20’s.
• I married a dickhead who had lots of money, but left me and our kid penniless and I spent many nights going to bed hungry so that my baby could eat and the bills could get paid and I did things I wasn’t proud of to make it all ok for my baby in that period of my life. But survival of the fittest comes into play when you have to provide for your 1 year old baby. 
• My current hubby and I filed bankruptcy because we got in over our heads because I was dumb.  But alas I wasn’t done making stupid money mistakes, our house dream house was foreclosed even after we filed for bankruptcy and now we are renting instead of being homeowners. I love my landlord and couldn’t ask for a better renting experience, I still feel like a failure at 33 and not being a homeowner when I was one, twice! I knew better and still got in over my head. 
• My my grandpa, my biggest fan, died two years ago.  And to say I miss him would be an understatement of the greatness. 
• My grandma and mom died within a few months of each other this year.
• My mom passed suddenly and without notice and I’m pissed about it. I’m pissed nobody caught it earlier. I’m pissed she didn’t go to the doctor when she knew she wasn’t feeling right. I’m pissed the ER let her sit for 17 hours before knowing what was wrong with her. 
• I am pissed and angry at a lot of things, mistakes that I have made, mistakes that I didn’t make but somehow I have to pay the price for them. 
• I’m pissed that just two months after my mom’s unexpected death leaving me motherless long before I was ready, my hubby’s plant that he works at is closing and he could possibly be without a job soon just shortly after I quit my own job to go back to school. 

And for all that, I find it hard to sympathize with anyone else going through anything else at the moment. Even if some of the above mentioned mistakes are mistakes that I made with my eyes wide open, I am still just all pissed and depressed.  AND I don’t want to go blabbing to a therapist about my issues because like I said, I’ve been to three and nobody gets me. I feel all like, “You. Are. A. Dumbass.” when I leave their office.  And just like if my hubby decided to leave me this very day, I could not go out dating right now because I just wouldn’t have the emotional energy to invest in anyone at this moment.  Well, I don’t have the emotional energy to invest in yet another therapist.  I just don’t. So please don’t suggest it and don’t judge me for not going.  I’ve got issues. I’m depressed. I know but you, dear readers, are all I’ve got right now. I hope you are up to the challenge. 

But none of this was what I wanted to talk to you about today! I had really funny post all ready in my head! Dang it!!  All this just kinda came pouring out and I suppose it’s time to stop hiding behind what I’m afraid to tell you and just tell you. So, there is it, up there for you to read and judge and shake your head at me and in the end, lend me your shoulder for support that I need right now.  I don’t need money or clothes or stuff. I need you to be my friend.  I need you to understand when I forget your birthdays, It’s not you, it’s me right now and I do hope next year I remember to buy you a present. I need you understand that when I don’t text you or email you as much as I know I should and check up on you, I’m probably doing all I can just to get out bed to take care of my own babies and thinking about anyone else other than me and my girls right now is nearly too much to bear some days.  I need you to understand I have nearly no support system here in my real life.  Everyone has moved on and has way moved past that “She just lost her mom” stage.  But I haven’t moved past anything. I still pray every night for this to be a bad dream and “Please God, please God, bring my mom back to me. I promise to go to church more. I promise to volunteer more. I promise to do better with my life. I will do anything, just make this all a bad dream and bring my mom back to me.”

And it is worth noting that my hubby and kids are great. They are the only things keeping me from falling off the cliff.  I couldn’t ask for a better inner circle than those three people who are my entire world.  They deserve a big fat award or something. 

But none of this was funny was it? Crap. Only a few days into my new direction on my blog and I’ve already fucked it up.  Great! Now I have to start all over tomorrow to try to be funny with this whole depression thing lingering just right underneath the surface.  Sheesh! I hate starting over. It’s just a pain.