I just want someone to see me as pretty

I walked into the gas station yesterday to buy some cigarettes.  The cashier asked if I worked at Wal-Mart.  I guess I looked liked someone that worked at Wal-Mart wearing my kaki pants and a blue shirt with my hair pulled back into a pony tail – why was my hair in a pony tail you ask? Well, last time I dyed my hair, I just bought this root thingy stuff since it’s not my entire scalp of head that turned grey.  However, it was the first time I ever used that stuff and you may not realize it, but I have massive amounts of hair.  One bottle of root stuff just didn’t cover everything like I had expected and yes, I had my hair in a pony tail because it’s the only thing that hid all the straggly grey hairs that I didn’t covered with one bottle of root stuff. 

BUT. When the cashier asked me if I worked at Wal-Mart, all I could think about is the pictures that I’ve seen on WalmartPeopole.com and I thought, “O.M.G. Do I look like *THAT*?!?!?”

Anyway, that was was long winded, wasn’t it?

Again, yesterday at school, before class there was a group of standing in the hallway chatting before the other class let out so that we could go in.  One of the older guys, I’m guessing like 45ish – he has stated that he is retired military so I’m guessing he is in his 40’s.  Any who, in some boring way that is even more boring the story of my hair dye root stuff as described in the above paragraph- we started talking about Eddie Murphy’s Raw stand up act.  He asked, “Man, we are showing our age aren’t we?”  I replied, “Yes, I guess we are.”

Oh. My. Gawd. Am I sick of not being pretty and young.  I literally want to shot myself in the head, ok, not really, but still. I am so sick of being old and ugly and fat.  I used to think it was just the way that *I* saw myself and now I’m finding out that is not, in fact, just the way that I see myself.  Apparently everyone sees me this way. 

It. Is. So. Depressing.

The whole thing about being asked how I feel about returning to school and being around all “these young people” by a 17 year old twat.  And then looking like a Wal-Mart person and now I’m “showing my age?” 

All I want is for someone, other than my hubby because he totally doesn’t count because he tells me daily how beautiful I am. So, it’s kinda like when your mom tells you that you are pretty. It just doesn't count because by law they have to say that type of mushy stuff.  I want someone not related to me, some random person that doesn’t know me from Adam to make me feel and see me as pretty and not old, fat and ugly.  

I want someone to see me and say, “You are 33? No. WAY! ” And mean it.  I want some college boy at school to hit on me or some random guy at a bar.  Do you know how long it has been since I’ve been hit on? Since me and the hubby started dating. Yes, really that long. I only wish I was kidding or making that up.  Is that bad of me to be so vain? I just don’t want be looked at as old and un-pretty and no longer relevant because only pretty people seem to be relevant anymore. 

I just want someone to see me as pretty.