I. Want. Chocolate. Because yes, chocolate fixes a bad day (and breaking stuff, too)

Well, today was day two of this semester of school.  Ok, technically school started Saturday if you count when they unlocked the online classes, but you don’t care about that right? 

Today I was ten minutes late to my first class (I don’t have classes on Monday).  Awesome, yes?  Not really.  I was so embarrassed because naturally the door to the class was in the front of the classroom and not the back. More awesome!  I left 40 minutes before I had to be at class and I was still 10 minutes late.  So, if my math is correct, that is nearly an hour to get to a place that is literally 15-20 minutes from my house.  I don’t know what the hell was going on this morning!  Traffic just sucked ass! And this is the same road I drove many a mornings to work.  It’s not like this was some mystery route I was taking and oh, my bad for not planning better.  I really have no idea what was going on, maybe a construction zone further than I could see?  I don’t know.  Either way, I was pissed and embarrassed that I was late.  On my very fist day of class as a freshman.  Not a great way to start the day. Or semester.

Soooo, next up is going to the library to have them buy back one of my books that I didn’t need.  Nope. Not gonna happen (after waiting an hour in line!).  Again, I don’t know why.  The school promotes that they buy back books, but I guess they don’t buy back this book.  Ugh.  I moved on. “I’ll sell it online or something” I thought.

Then English class, that went well.  Until she pulled out the required books for the semester and low and behold, her books don’t match my books nor any other books anyone else had.  Apparently the bookstore had a mixed up and gave everyone the wrong book. PERFECT! I get to go BACK to the bookstore.  I. Can’t. Wait.

I go back to the bookstore and naturally I can’t find my receipt so they can’t buy back my books OR exchange my books for the correct ones. 

At this point in the story, I’m hot and sweaty from the 100 degree heat and humidity that no air conditioning can seem to cool off.  I’m tired from standing forever in line. Twice.  I’m drained from lack of sleep because hello! I hardly sleep more than a three hours at night.  My mind is racing AND mush from all the stuff that has been shoved into my brain to remember over the last few days.   I’m just a big ball of mess. 

I was so pissed about waiting in line for yet another hour the second time at the bookstore all in one day, that my mind was mush and I didn’t think about asking them to just print me out another receipt  and taking it from there (because surely, if Wal Mart can print me out another receipt upon request, this dumbass bookstore can too? Right?).   So, I’m back the “selling them online” idea or something similar.  I made a firm commitment to myself after today that I will never go back to the school’s bookstore for anything.  They suck ass.  Helpfulness is not something they were apparently ever trained in.

I tell ya, yes, this is HUGE gift that I’ve been given- going back to school.  But it just seems like I’ve jumped through hoops to get into this school, figuring everything out alone.  And with the bathroom incident on Friday and today was a just a bummer of a day. I just feel like that I’m outta my league or something.  I have this lingering feeling of doubt following me.  Maybe it’s just because I’m trying something totally out of my element and it will take some time for me to get my footing and for all of this to feel normal?  Maybe I’m not as smart as I once was, I graduated second in class the last time I did this college thing.  It seemed much easier then. In my memory, everything seemed to come  so easily to me back then.  But in today’s world, the first quiz I took yesterday, I got a 70! A 70! Really? Me? Not ok.  The second quiz I took, I got an 80.  Better, but not great.  I’m like a C student right now. *sigh* A ‘C’ student who arrives late to class and has the wrong books. And to top it all off, I look old. 

I can’t go back to my job, don’t want to go back. I want this education. I really do.  I just want the universe or God or something to send me some sign that I’m doing the right thing, that I’m not crazy for going back to school at this stage in my life.  I want some hardcore reassurance that I’m doing the right thing. 

And I want a Hershey chocolate bar too. 

But this is my “make it better song” that always cheers me up on days like today. What is your “make it better song?”

48 Hours

In 48 hours we will be sitting somewhere in Disney.  It’s bittersweet to think about it.  My mom had put so much of herself into this trip and now that she won’t be there, it’s hard for me to truly be happy about it all because she is suppose to be here with us. 

If she was here, she’d be calling non stop telling me not to forget this or to do this or make sure I take care of that… ya know, all the mom stuff. 

I want to come to this blog and talk about more than my mom.  I want to tell you some funny story about my kids or how today I got my first letter from Autumn from camp and how that letter, well really she mailed two! And how those letters are the highlight of my life in what seems like a million years.  And how hearing my youngest count in Spanish makes me happy inside.  I want to tell you all that gooey stuff. 

However, all I can think about to write about is my mom. 

I keep replaying one of the last times we spoke, it was the week of Autumn’s recital and my mom called me at work to say that she couldn’t go because her tummy was hurting, but to tell me that I better record it!- my mom could be a tad bossy.  The pain that she must have been in at that time, I can’t even imagine- what her body was doing at that time would be what ultimately took her from me. 

It was weird because my mom and I never have a conversation that lasted less than five minutes.  However, that day it was short and sweet and to the point. I just blew it off that she must have really been sick and brushed it off.  I think that was the last time we talked. I actually can’t remember the last time we talked.  I think we may have talked that night and I told her about how the recital went, but I can’t be sure.  My memories blend together with everyone that I told about Autumn’s recital.   I just can’t remember the last time my mom and I talked. 

All I can concentrate anymore is my mom, my memories of her, her estate, her house, her stuff,  the lawyers, the extreme disappointment I have in my aunt since this began, the “what if’s” and how is this all gonna play out a year from now.  Note to self: Get a will ASAP!  My mom having had a will would have made this process a thousand times easier. 

There is so much “you gotta do this now” and “well, nothing can be done today.”  It all feels so ….  extreme. 

I wonder if I will make the right choice and right next move? I have no easy answers and nobody to say, “do it this way” like my mom would tell me to do.  She would have all the answers to the questions I have.  There are so many variables in this situation and I have no idea what I’m doing. I tend to always make the wrong choice in life and I’m scared to make the wrong choice again and totally screw myself.  Everyone cares about their own interests, the lawyer cares about money, my aunt cares about stuff, nobody else understands that isn’t just a business transaction for me, this is my mom and her affairs and my emotions are at an all time bipolar swing – I could put both Brittney and Lindsey to shame these days-  and I don’t know what to do and time is not on my side.  There are something's that are gonna happen fairly quickly and I can’t just “take some time.”

Well, in 48 hours I will be Disney and I hope that somehow Disney can make it all better. Help me to see clearly what I cannot see right now.  I hope some time away will give me the answers and direction that I need right now.  I hope that this trip helps to transform from this scared unknowing person to something better than I am today.