Taking applications for a new family

How do you make it ok in your mind when you are friends with someone who hurt another friend of yours to the core?

I had this friend who was ended up being very mean to me, hurt my feeling to the core when I was already at a very low point in my life and my cousin is now friends with this person on Facebook!  It makes me ill to see this bitch of a person leaving cute and funny comments on my cousins Facebook page. It makes me more ill that my cousin ever accepted her friend request in the first place knowing how much this person hurt me in the past. 

I see how very little I must mean to my cousin:

This was a message she sent on her birthday in response to all her birthday wishes she received.  Um. Hello. I called her and wished her a happy birthday and even bought her a gift card! And went to a BBQ where my cousin promptly ignored me on her birthday. I felt so sick being with my cousin that day and her ignoring me I ended up faking a tummy ache and leaving early.

When I told my cousin that we were thinking of moving, she said, “What makes you think you will feel anymore at home there than you do here?” Well, thanks to her and her befriending people that hurt me very badly and posting Facebook messages about how “my blood is not thicker than her friends water,” how can I possibly feel at home here with her? How am I expected to feel like her family when she does everything to make me NOT feel like family?

I’m sure to most of of you, I’m just being petty.  I should get over myself and move on. But my cousin and aunt are the only “family” I have left (except of course my own hubby and kids) and I see how little I mean to them- my aunt never calls me as in NEVER EVER.  It hurts. It hurts bad.

I know I was suppose to try funny today, but again, I just can’t. My feelings are hurt and I can’t hide behind funny today.

So, I’m taking applications for a new family. I need brothers, sisters and cousins! It doesn't take much to be accepted, just loyalty and understanding and a kind heart. 

Like Chris Rock Said, “That bitch is crazy!”

My Grammy always said, “Nothing will cause a family feud quicker than weddings and funerals.”  She was more right than she could ever know. 

My aunt.  My aunt. 

The day we went to the funeral home to plan my mom’s service, we stopped by my mom’s house afterwards to get an outfit for her.  My mom was cremated, but still I couldn’t let her go naked.  She would haunt me!

So, I’m standing in the room to pick out clothes for my mom and my aunt walks in (she was few minutes behind us) and before anything, asks, “Do you want the Christmas Cookie Jar or can I have it?” 

Blink. Blink.  Think, “Did she really just ask me that?”  I say, “I don’t even know what cookie jar you are talking about?”  Needless to say, that is how every moment with my aunt has been since then. 

I’m standing there, trying to pick out clothes for my mother who hasn’t been gone less than 24 hours and we are talking about stuff?  Seriously? I mean really, seriously?

Need one more example? 

After “it” happened, my aunt and I left the hospital and I smoked a cigarette in her car in the parking lot.  My aunt brought up some fancy glassware that Grammy wanted me to have, but there were two plates made the same year and my aunt asked if I minded if my cousin (her daughter) got one and I got one.  Again—Blink. Blink.  And with my mind numb from what had just happened, I said, “Ok.” 

I honestly don’t care about anything in my mom’s house except for her pictures and her writings and her crossword puzzles that she had completed.  Those things, yeah, they are mine.  Everything else, I simply don’t care. 

I don’t want a big piece of furniture sitting in my house reminding daily of the loss.  I am the kind of person that loves looking a pictures and reading anything that my mom wrote.  From her silly reminders of when the Real Housewives of Atlanta would return to a letter she wrote to my real dad.  Fancy glass or  a cookie jar?  Like Shania Twain would say, “That don’t impress me much.” 

My mom always said that my aunt was crazy, like seriously crazy… I am beginning to believe my mom.  She sees the world as something that is out to “get her.”  That we are all “over here” and she is “over there.”  Never realizing that we are all on the same team here.

Have I done everything perfectly and handled every situation when dealing with my aunt perfectly?  No.  But damn, she makes it nearly impossible to take her seriously. 

The Saturday right after that day, my mom’s boyfriend changed the locks on my mom’s house.  My aunt had lived in that house for years up until my grandma passed away and then my aunt moved in with her daughter (my cousin). (yes, my grandparents, my mom, my mom’s boyfriend and my aunt all lived in this house.)   My aunt thinks she still has free pass to come and go through that house at will.  Boy was she surprised when she went over and her key didn’t work!  But since nobody is living there now, my mom’s boyfriend thought it was best to change out all the locks and put new deadbolts on the doors. I agreed. 

You see, the day we went to pick out clothes for my mom, my aunt took a fisherman and my grandpa’s flag from his funeral service before she asked me about the damn cookie jar.  She didn’t ask, she just took.  Not that I cared, but it’s a matter of respect.  You just don’t go in someone else’s house taking what you think is yours to take under the name of “these are family items that have to stay in the family.”  She thinks that my mom’s boyfriend is going to go in and steal everything! She is so very wrong.  My mom’s boyfriend lived there five years, if he wanted to steal anything, he would have by now, don’t ya think? 

My aunt has not been a support system for me in one way at all.  She was upset with how I handled the funeral, didn’t like certain song choices and didn’t like that I had a ribbon “No regrets.”  My mom always told me that she wanted “No Regrets” on her tombstone, and since she wasn’t going to have  a tombstone, she got a ribbon instead.  My aunt vented to my cousin about how upset my aunt was about the service I had planned.  That I was painting my mom in just one light.  This she assumed not knowing what I had planned to say about my mom, not knowing about the Honor Guard that was to be there, the military rites, the police that stood at each intersection with their hats over their hearts, the pictures I had chosen… she just assumed I was going to talk about how my mom was just a good ole drinkin’ chain smokin’ Harley shirt wearing person.  She had no clue, but upset all the same. 

Today at work, my first day back (aka, one of the hardest days of my life), she calls and starts in with the “I don’t know why everyone wants to keep me out of that house!”  I explained to her that we had hidden a key and I’m sorry that her daughter didn’t inform of this, but nobody is trying to keep her out.  Well, to be honest, I’m not trying to keep her out anymore.  Yesterday, all of us went over and made piles of the stuff we were to take and post-it noted other things.  She, out of everyone, proved she would go in and take what she thought was her right to take.

She fails to remember that I grew up in that house. It was my mom’s house –my mom’s name and hers alone was the only name on the mortgage,  and while she and my mom may have had some agreement, that agreement doesn’t trickle down to me. 

But it all doesn’t add up to a hill of beans.  She has been the one dark light in an otherwise virtual world of light from all the hugs, well wishes, texts, midnight phone calls, flowers, cards, and every person in my world has seemly come to lift me up. Not her.  She has been nothing but a disappointment from the word go. 

The sad thing, I only have four people on this earth that are a direct blood relation to me (minus my cousin’s children).  I have my cousin, my aunt and my two kids.  I have to love her, right? I have to accept that she is hurting too, right? I have to see through her eyes, right? But I don’t want to.  I want to lay her out and take all the hurt that I’m going through, all the pain and why the fuck did God take my mom from me now! confusion, I want to take it all out on her because she above anyone else should be my source of comfort but being around her or talking to her on the phone makes me realize more than ever just how alone I really am without my mom because I can’t instantly call my mom and vent to her and tell my mom, “Yeah, you were right!” And to hear my mom laugh that all knowing great laugh of hers and hear her say, “I told you!"

I would gladly give my aunt every picture, every cookie jar, every crossword puzzle and silly reminders my mom left behind just to hear that laugh again.  Nothing my aunt wants can every equal to that laugh. She simply doesn’t get it and it’s not because she wants anything for me, like, “You need to have this.”  Nope. It’s all about what she wants and what is afraid the rest of us are going to steal from her.  I should feel sorry for her.  I don’t.  I feel anger and rage when it comes to her.  I’ve reached out to her many times because I know she just lost her sister, but the day after the funeral, my aunt called and before she said anything of comfort, I was asked,"Where are the flowers? My church sent me flowers.”  I just sighed and knew from that second on, I really understood all that I had lost.   Now I understand why my cousin has thought about kicking her mother to the curb, I couldn't deal with living with this type of person either.

I love Chris Rock among many others, but his Bigger and Blacker will always be a standout to me.  What is one of your favorite comedy specials? 

*Inspiration for today's title

You know it's hard out here for a pimp, When (s)he tryin' to get this money for the rent

Squeee! I love having a blog where I can feel free and stretch my arms and run around in circles if I want!

I will not be using twitter/facebook to announce when I have a new post and all that jazz... I hope that you guys still stop by via feed readers and such. I have no clue what I'm going to do with my old blog. I'm gonna leave it just be for now... I always thought it would be cool to print it, get it binded... make like a book thingmajig. Have you guys ever thought about doing that with any of your blogs?

Besides work and all the drama that comes with work, there is something else bothering me at this moment in my life...

After my grandma passed away earlier this year, my aunt moved in with my cousin. Things are NOT going well with that situation. They aren't getting along.

Here is the backstory:

My aunt received $20,000 from my grandma's funds when she passed. My aunt turned around and gave that money to my cousin so that my aunt would have a place to live for the rest of her life. My cousin is selling her house and building another one. My cousin is adding a basement to the new house so that my aunt would have a place of her own. Kinda.

Some facts to keep in mind while reading:
My aunt is disabled, has been for years. She does not work and get $800.00 a month in disability.

So, the basement area that my cousin is adding on to the new house is going to cost $30,000. Now, my mom built a two story addition for under $30,000 and we are just talking about a basement here, but whatever... I don't design houses so maybe $30,000 for a basement is the going rate these days?

With my aunt's $20,000, that still leaves my cousin $10,000 short for the building of a basement and of course that money will have to be added to the mortgage. If she takes a 30 year note, that is about $30 a month/ about $60 a month for a 15 year note.

Well, now my aunt and cousin aren't getting along. My cousin wants to give my aunt back her $20,000 and send her on her way. I have a BIG FAT problem with that and here's why:

You don't kick your mom out when she has nowhere else to go. I understand if your mom is abusive and unloving, but my aunt isn't these things. Is she perfect? No. Not by a long shot!! She gets snippy and angry and takes it out on the ones closest to her and she does try to control what she cannot control. Living with her can-not be easy, but again, you don't kick out your mom. I'm just not ok with that. Not when it's because "you just can't live with her." *insert stomping your feet* Maybe your mom can't live with you either- let's face it, are any of us a breeze to life with? But she has nowhere else to go! Nowhere! Sure she has $20,000 to find a place, but if she had to rent and pay utilities elsewhere, that money will go quick and then what? Where does she go? Homeless?

My aunt is paying rent right now to my cousin. $150 towards rent and my cousin is making my aunt put $150 (for a total of $300 a month) in savings in case something happens to my aunt's car or some other unforeseen expense comes up. I understand the concept, I really do. It makes sense. However, I could not see me MAKING my own mother save money and wouldn't dream of making her do that as a condition of living with me. I just find that whole situation a joke. And totally laughable. If my aunt's car breaks down and she has no car, then she has no car. But my aunt shouldn't be forced to save money. I just find that laughable. It's like my aunt is being treated like a 5 year old; saving money is a lesson one teaches their children- not the mother, or is it just me? Maybe I have too much of a responsible mother and wouldn't need to make her save money. This makes me sad for my aunt, being treated like she is one of my cousin's children.

When they move to the new house, my aunt will have to pay $400 in rent, plus her own utilities. (remember, my aunt clears $800 in disability a month). That is on top of the $20,000 that my aunt handed over. Is it me or is there something wrong with that picture? I could see her paying some money, I guess? But $400 a month and $20,000 for a basement apartment in which she will living with her daughter? My cousin has a live in babysitter right there! My cousin will probably use $400 worth of babysitting fees by using my aunt and yet, she is charging rent from my aunt. I have to shake my head at that one.

Maybe mine and my mom's relationship is just out of whack and what my cousin is doing is normal. However, if my 60 year old mom (my mom isn't 60 btw! she would kill me if she thought I led you guys to believe that she was!) that could not work and had limited funds needed a place to live, there would be no doubt that she would be bunking with me and my family! Would it be easy? Hell No! Would I love every minute of it? Hell No! Would I want to kill myself some days from all the "Honey, do it this way" that my mom loves to say when I'm not doing things her way? HELL YES! DOUBLE HELL YES! BUT, the idea of just telling my mom, "Yeah, um, this isn't working. You gotta leave." That would not happen. I would not want to be that type of daughter. I would not want to be that type of person!

When you break it down:

• My aunt is paying rent, more than her fair share of the bills I might add!
• Will continue to pay rent.
• Has paid $20,000 already.
• Free babysitter
• The $10,000 that my cousin is supposedly going in debt over equals to about $30 a month over 30 years or $60 for a 15 year note. Not the end of the world if you ask me.

Yes, my aunt is NOT an easy person to live with. But still. She is her mother. Do you kick you mother out when she has no where to go?

You may be asking, "Why don't you take in your aunt?" To put it simply, I'm not good enough for her. She would never ask and would rather be homeless than to live with me. I am not rich, or at least put on the appearance that I am that my cousin can do so effortlessly. The offer was made to my aunt long before my grandma passed. (Even then every member of my family knew that my aunt and cousin living together would end like something from the Terminator movies.) At the time that I asked my aunt to live with me, we had a house that had a bonus room right over the kitchen/garage with it's own staircase and could have easily been converted to a room with just a door, it already had a closet and was right across the hall from a bathroom. She said no. Had she said yes, I would have fought tooth and nail to hang on to that house, even though I grew to hate that house with every ounce of my being. Knowing that saving the house and keeping it was bigger than me, I would have done all I could to keep it. But once we moved out of it and into the house we are in now, no way. There simply isn't enough room. Would I let her go homeless? NEVER! We would make due. However, it's not my house to open up in that way, we are renters and would have toget the ok. PLUS AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, she and HER DAUGHTER need to work this out somehow, someway! This is not my problem to fix and not my mom's problem to fix.

I just think that if my cousin does do this, makes her leave, that my cousin can live with herself. I couldn't do it my mom. Could you? Could you knowing send your mom out there in the world with limited resources knowing that in about two years she will be penniless and have no where to go? Could you do it? Am I missing something here?

And did any of this make sense? Or is this just some big rambling mess? I tend to not make as much sense as normal when I start to ramble on and on and on...