Tomorrow’s only a day away

Four months since I last saw my mom.  The longest time I ever went without talking to her before now, like a week, if that. 

If I didn’t call my mom to her liking, she called me and said, “You never call me!”  I did, of course! I called her all the time! But it was never enough to her liking. Must be a mom thing.   

I miss her more than I could ever tell you.  There just aren’t enough words in the English language. 

I haven’t told anyone who I have met since that day that I lost my mom.  All the new people that I have met at school, they have no idea.  And when they tell me about their mom, it breaks my heart that I can’t join in on the fun.  Actually, most new people don’t even know that I have a husband and kids.  I kinda just keep all that personal stuff to myself.  I mainly talk about school to them and that’s it.  

But behind closed doors, I totally and 100% define myself by my mom’s death, but I don’t make that public to just everyone.  I don’t tell people how much pain that I am in, not even my hubby knows.  She is now all but forgotten by everyone but me. I know she is not like forgotten-forgotten. I know that people still remember her, but her name is never brought up anymore.  I haven’t talked to her boyfriend or his family in months – it seems.  My hubby said that they would fade away and I guess he was right.  Nobody calls to check up on me to see how I am doing, not even my hubby.  I guess I’m suppose just be over it or at least learned enough now on how to deal with it all on my own. 

It’s funny though.  My smiles that were once so fake have become even more fake.  I have all but convinced myself that I will never be happy again and that God hates me. 

I don’t know anyone else who as lost their mom, husband loosing his job and to top it all of, we had a massive leak or something in our house and now we have heater fans thingies in our house and under our house to dry everything out which means that this months eclectic bill will be through the roof. Full of awesome, yes?  And to top it all off, I don’t know where we will be living in 90 days! Will my hubby find a local job? Will he find a job elsewhere? And if it is elsewhere, then where? And my house is so hot right now! Nobody can sleep with all this heat stuff going on.  I am just so over all this. It seems like there is always one thing after another and the chances of me actually being happy for longer than a repeat of Glee are next to impossible. I can’t seem to catch a break to save my life!  

I know, I know, self pity party of one your table is ready.  Or you are thinking, “God girl, go see someone. You can be happy again, I promise!” But I will give you a million excuses as to why I don’t want to go see someone and why I don’t think I will ever be happy again. Right now all I think about is that, “I’m the girl who lost her mom and grandma this year. My husband is loosing his job in less than a month with no other job lined up.  And my house is so hot that I can’t sleep! (not that I sleep a whole hell of a lot anyway) and as you know, I feel so fat, old and ugly right now.” And I can’t define myself any other way right now.

This year as been so horribly bad for me and I don’t know how much more I can take.  I don’t know how much more can be put on my shoulders before I literally just crumble down and break into a million pieces.  I don’t know how many more unhappy moments that I can take or how many more fake smiles that I have in me.  No worries seriously though, I’m not gonna go off and kill myself or anything like that!!  I just honestly don’t know how much more shit I can take before I  have a nervous breakdown.  I don’t know how many more times bad news can be delivered to me before I start screaming and never stop. How many more bad news moments until I end up in a padded room somewhere? 

And the biggest mistake I made, or better yet, the worse advice I ever took, right after my mom passed, I had her mail transferred to me.  So every. single. day. I get some piece of mail in her name reminding me every day of my loss.  And it sucks.  The hubby has offered to start to check the mail, but I’m such a control freak about the bills and things of that nature that I trust nobody but me to check the mail and make sure everything is in it’s perfect place.  The mail is a sickness with me. I have no idea why.

I want to be happy. I am thankful to be in school, but worried about the money this is costing us and how crazy was I do this now in my life??!?! And if I had known that my husband’s plant was going to be closing this year, I would have never quit my job and gone back to school.  I regret the decision that I made already. My timing of wanting to change my life could not be worse, but for me, just par for the course I guess.  I look at my girls and their smiles and try to pull their happiness into my soul, but nothing.  Their happiness is their own.  I try to be thankful for a husband who loves me, but truth be told, some of the love is starting to be filled with resentment. He hasn’t gotten a job yet. He, who is my only safety net left, is not giving me that safe feeling anymore (do know that jobs today start off paying like crap! Which is so awesome when you have a family of four to support.) AND he has his mom to call him daily and I don’t have mine.  I’m jealous of him and pissed off at him all at once.  I have no support system here.  I looked at my cell phone bill, you know how many calls I received and made on the last bill? Zero.  How sad.  I don’t call anyone and nobody calls me.  In the last month, I have four real people email me.    I don’t think it’s possible to feel more alone than I do right now.  I don’t think it’s possible to feel more scared than I do right now.  What is so wrong with me that nobody wants to call me? I guess my sadness is just so freaking overwhelming that nobody wants to come near me even if it is by phone? I need to just face the fact that I will never have a best friend in real life who I can just hop over to her house and have coffee with her and dinners at friends houses are just totally and 100% out of the question. It is nice to have a blogger family, but this computer can’t take the place of phone call with a real live voice on the other end.  This computer can’t take the place of a hug when I’m crying.  I need to face the fact that I when I die, the only people there will be my husband and kids and my closest blogger friends who won’t find my funeral an inconvenience.  Ya know, I don’t even know enough people to have pallbearers for my coffin.  How sad is that?!??! But again, I swear I am not planning on killing myself!!! I could never do that to my girls.  Even I’m not that selfish!

But what bothers me the most is why did I quit my job? Why didn’t I wait? Had I waited just a month, I would have known that my husband’s plant would be closing.  And what the fuck are we going to do for money when he no longer has a job?  How does that work?  I can’t go back to my job.  It’s not there anymore.  Someone else is doing my job.  Really though, how much more can I take?  I don’t want to know.  But I’m scared I’m gonna find out no matter what my wishes are. I’m scared to answer the phone thinking it will be just more bad news.  I am scared when my husband walks in the door that he will deliver more bad news.  I hate to check my mail because I know that it’s full of bills and reminders about my mom and none of that is good news (yes, I know, I should start to let my husband check the mail).  I am scared about when my husband is no longer working, what if we need medical care?  How does that work when you have no insurance?  I can hardly pay our medical bills now, let alone without insurance!  So much racing in my mind. So much to think about.  So. Much. Shit. 

But I guess this lonely scared life is just how it’s supposed to be right now.  Maybe tomorrow will be better than today? Maybe.  The little hope that I have left is all going towards that tomorrow is better than today.