I walked into the gas station yesterday to buy some cigarettes. The cashier asked if I worked at Wal-Mart. I guess I looked liked someone that worked at Wal-Mart wearing my kaki pants and a blue shirt with my hair pulled back into a pony tail – why was my hair in a pony tail you ask? Well, last time I dyed my hair, I just bought this root thingy stuff since it’s not my entire scalp of head that turned grey. However, it was the first time I ever used that stuff and you may not realize it, but I have massive amounts of hair. One bottle of root stuff just didn’t cover everything like I had expected and yes, I had my hair in a pony tail because it’s the only thing that hid all the straggly grey hairs that I didn’t covered with one bottle of root stuff.
BUT. When the cashier asked me if I worked at Wal-Mart, all I could think about is the pictures that I’ve seen on WalmartPeopole.com and I thought, “O.M.G. Do I look like *THAT*?!?!?” 
Anyway, that was was long winded, wasn’t it?
Again, yesterday at school, before class there was a group of standing in the hallway chatting before the other class let out so that we could go in. One of the older guys, I’m guessing like 45ish – he has stated that he is retired military so I’m guessing he is in his 40’s. Any who, in some boring way that is even more boring the story of my hair dye root stuff as described in the above paragraph- we started talking about Eddie Murphy’s Raw stand up act. He asked, “Man, we are showing our age aren’t we?” I replied, “Yes, I guess we are.”
Oh. My. Gawd. Am I sick of not being pretty and young. I literally want to shot myself in the head, ok, not really, but still. I am so sick of being old and ugly and fat. I used to think it was just the way that *I* saw myself and now I’m finding out that is not, in fact, just the way that I see myself. Apparently everyone sees me this way.
It. Is. So. Depressing.
The whole thing about being asked how I feel about returning to school and being around all “these young people” by a 17 year old twat. And then looking like a Wal-Mart person and now I’m “showing my age?”
All I want is for someone, other than my hubby because he totally doesn’t count because he tells me daily how beautiful I am. So, it’s kinda like when your mom tells you that you are pretty. It just doesn't count because by law they have to say that type of mushy stuff. I want someone not related to me, some random person that doesn’t know me from Adam to make me feel and see me as pretty and not old, fat and ugly.
I want someone to see me and say, “You are 33? No. WAY! ” And mean it. I want some college boy at school to hit on me or some random guy at a bar. Do you know how long it has been since I’ve been hit on? Since me and the hubby started dating. Yes, really that long. I only wish I was kidding or making that up. Is that bad of me to be so vain? I just don’t want be looked at as old and un-pretty and no longer relevant because only pretty people seem to be relevant anymore.
I just want someone to see me as pretty.
Okay, I hope I don't sound rude here, but I'm just going to be perfectly blunt and honest. Since I'm a fluffy girl that has battled weight and self-esteem issues my entire life, I think I'm qualified. Plus, I consider myself your friend. So here goes.
ReplyDelete1.) You ARE beautiful. I don't say that just to blow smoke up your butt as I'm not the type that does that. If I didn't think/feel/believe that, I just would have read your entry and declined to comment. *I* have no reason to lie.
2.) NONE of that is going to matter if you don't believe it for yourself. Strangers, friends, family, random people you see on the street... it doesn't matter who they are, how qualified they are to tell you that in your own opinion, whatever. If YOU don't feel beautiful and think of yourself as such, nobody else is going to change your mind for you.
3.) Shame. On. You. For saying that your husband's opinion doesn't count because he *has* to tell you that. Umm... last I checked, he didn't HAVE to ask you out, fall in love with you, and marry you until death do you part. ALSO, HIS opinion - outside of your own - is the ONLY one that should really count. He's the one that promised you a lifetime. He's the one that wakes up to you every morning. He's the one that LOVES you -- not only the inside, but the OUTSIDE, TOO! Don't exclude him just because *you* think he *has* to tell you something. The bottom line is, he's a man in and of himself... and he doesn't *have* to tell you jack crap!
4.) While it's nice to hear that you are beautiful, while it's nice to be told how gorgeous, sexy, or young looking you are... and while compliments of any kind tend to put a little "pep" in our step, if you will... compliments cannot support our sagging self-esteem. If our thoughts/feelings about ourselves are low, it is too great of a burden to be held up by compliments. Even if they are daily. They can HELP... but they are not a cure all. Nor should they be. It's like... icing with no cake. Just a sugary mess that melts in your mouth and doesn't satisfy completely. You have to have the foundation, first.
My personal opinion? You need to find someway to gain control of your mind and the thoughts that you allow to go on inside of it. That's the only way you are going to move past any of this. I'm sorry if what I've said hurts your feelings... but I love you enough to tell you the truth and that's fact!
What Amber said.
ReplyDeleteAnd I think both of you are pretty.
Amber- You are so right. Than you, my friend, for reminding me of all that you said :) I needed that more than anything today!! XOXO I love you back :)
ReplyDeleteShiny- Awww, and you my, dear friend, are very hot yourself!!! You make me laugh and bring me back to reality when I fall off the cliff and for that, you are one of the most beautiful people that I know.
Where'd my comment go?!?!?! WAHHHHHH!!!
ReplyDeleteUgh.
Let's try again.
Okay.
::ahem::
I am not even going try to expand on what Amber said because she totally hit the nail on the head.
Don't worry about what everyone else says.....easier said than done, I know. But remember, Jen is way more beautiful than Angelina and Brad left her for that homewrecker.
Beauty is skin deep. Ya know what's not? How infectious your laugh is, how your eyes sparkle when you smile, how great of a friend you are, how your hair has a life of it's own....I could go on and on.
We have too many awesome things coming up to worry about the silly woman who works in a freakin' gas station!! (LOL)