The Wrong Size and the Piss Poor Dog Owner

Well, I did it. I downloaded the Couch to 5K app on my phone and I went running/walking today. I figure if I can’t do laundry or anything else I need to do, I can at least try this and blame being “so sore” and my fondness of just.being.still on “Well, I ran today! I win! And I don’t have to do anything else for the day!”.  We will see if it works. I’ll let you know.  

So, today. I was nearly, well what you might consider nearly home.  I think I was more like a thousand miles from home at the end of my Week 1/ Day 1 of the Couch to 5K.  I thought I was gonna die on the last little bit walking home. Really. I did. No lie!

I was thirsty, I felt faint, I just knew that my legs were not going to carry me home.  I could see my house, it was just so close, yet so far far far away.  I thought, “If I fall out on my street, how freaking embarrassing would that be?!!? How long till my hubby finds me? Would he know to come look for me? He has NO IDEA how long this thing is suppose to take!” 

But let me back up.

Just to be clear, the couch to 5k, you walk a little bit then run a little bit. At least that is where I’m at in the program. I’m sure by the end of this thing (9 weeks) I will have to run for like five hours straight. I haven’t done much research on this program.  But that is all just so you understand the rest of this post. 

I started my run/walk with my dog, Laci.  You see, she must have sensed that I was going to do something special because she started wagging her tail and jumping around the cute little way that she thinks that she can jump when she saw me putting on my shoes.  She is a medium size dog and thinks she can jump, but has no jumping legs. It’s really quiet (or is quite, quit? I never know because I can’t spell. Don’t hate!) cute watching her “jump” because she just can’t.  But I’ve gotten off track. 

The dog. She knew. 

So, I put her leash on her and off we went.  Of course, as always, she has to poop in someone else’s yard. So embarrassing especially because I’m a piss poor dog owner and of course don’t have a pooper scooper thingy and so I have to act as if I just don’t see what she is doing and hoping the home owner doesn’t come out with guns blazing and yelling at me, “Get that fucking dog off my lawn! And if she ever poops again on my lawn, I’m gonna kill her!”  Now, even before I had a dog, I never cared about dog poop in my yard because I think as part of living in a neighbor is having to deal with dog owners walking their dog, but I do understand that I’m in the minority on that one.  So, the dog poops. I knew it was going to go downhill from there.

She, of course, gets out of her collar and off her leash.  *sigh*  I don’t even try to catch her because if you have ever tried to catch a dog that is “free” you just can’t.  I knew she would make it home just fine. But again, I was worried about the homeowner that saw me not chasing after my dog and coming out with a gun and yelling and shooting at me for being such a piss poor dog owner.  Luckily nobody saw me.  Or Laci.  Or at least nobody came out yelling at me or shooting at me or my doggie.  On this day anyway. I wonder if I can get by with it many more times?  But there I was, holding Laci’s dog leash, but no dog.  Good times. 

But the best part of the whole walk/run experience besides looking like a crazy person that would run a little bit and then walk all the while holding a dog collar and leash with no dog.  My panties.  Yep.  My panties. They are well, too big.  I bought the wrong size and I had to pay the price. They kept falling down! I was wearing yoga type pants, that come past my knees, they are actually cute in my opinion.  But never mind that. The panties.  They were falling.  It was so uncomfortable!  But what could I do? I couldn’t reach down my pants and pull up my panties! I mean, I can let my dog poop and run around willy nilly, but putting my hands down my pants. In public? Is going over a bridge too far for my liking.

So, here I was alternating from running to walking and my panties are like too my knees! And to top it all off, I really thought I was gonna fall out on my street and pass out! Imagine if I had passed out and in some crazy scenario had to be picked up by an ambulance and they had to take my pants off and saw what was going on with my panties and wonder why I’m holding a dog’s collar and leash and no dog.  Ten times more embarrassing, eh?  Thank goodness I made it home safe and sound and my doggie was waiting for me in the front lawn, wagging her tail, “jumping” when she saw me. But,  let this be a lesson to all of you, pay attention when buying panties in a package from Wal Mart, don’t just assume that the label on the tabby thing is correct, read the package.  And with that, you’re welcome!

PS- can you remind me next time I’m at Wal Mart buying correct panties, to buy a pooper scooper thingy.