Just. Being. Still.

My kids are in school- all day long.  That leaves me home alone, all day long.  I enjoy the quiet, the stillness, the sounds of nothing. I don’t long to go outside and play with friends of my own.  I don’t crave to escape these four walls, nope. I’m happy just sitting here and waiting for my girls happy return home when they tell me all about their day and the house if filled with their sounds, the sounds that I crave, the sounds that I long for, the sounds that I miss about an hour after they have left for the day. 

I am anxious to see how my days play out once I start school myself by month’s end.  I know my days will then be filled with studying, homework and all that other stuff and I will find my routine at that time, I hope. 

But for now, when there is nothing. I just sit here. I should be cleaning the house the way I always wanted it cleaned when I worked but didn’t have time. I should do all the laundry instead of letting it pile up like I did when I was working and could use work as the perfect excuse.  I should start the couch to 5K that I really have a calling to do even though I hate running and have no idea why I have such a yearning to do the couch to 5K, but I do.  I should be doing all kinds of things that I said I would do, but I can’t get off my couch to do anything.  Everything sits and waits and remains still while my girls are at school, me included.  Me especially. 

I want to do so much, but I can’t make my body move. I can’t make my hands pick up the clothes off the bathroom floor. I can’t make my back bend enough to clean out the fridge of the fruit that is on the verge of turning bad.  I can’t use my fingers to use the dust spray to wipe down the tables.  I just sit here. Still. 

Am I depressed?  I think so. But, it’s not the kind of depression that I’m used to feeling though.  I’m used to fighting something mentally during my depression spouts, this time, I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to move. I don’t want to do anything. But mentally, I want to do EVERYTHING! I want to be the perfect stay at home mom (slash) college student ever because I know I can be! I know in my soul this is what I should be doing, being the perfect stay at home mom (slash) college student, but yet my body hasn’t gotten the message. My body is just still. Nothing. Quiet. Motionless.  Much like my oldest bike in the front yard waiting for her quick return to put it in motion.