“I don’t know what to say” can say so much.

Since I have been doing the Stay At Home Mom thing for a little while now, I have, naturally, watched a few Oprah shows.  I don’t particularly like her, but she is one heck of an interviewer.  She asks many of the same questions that I would ask, but more times than not, she gets on my nerves and I have to change the channel. 

But.

She said something the other day and I really liked it. 

Let me back up, she said one thing long ago that I really liked, “When people show you who they really are, believe them.”  If someone cheats on you, they are showing you that they will and can cheat on you/  If someone lies to you, they are showing you that they can and will be liar.  If someone is abusive towards you, they are showing you that can and will hurt you.  So, if they do it again, don’t be surprised.  I think it’s just another version of “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”  You get the idea, I’m sure.

I agree with that, to some degree anyway.  I think people can, do and will change. Always.  We are constantly reinventing ourselves, constantly growing, and learning, teaching others new things about us and our lives, we are all a work in process- all the time -and mistakes are bound to be made and I don’t think one mistake should make or break a person or a relationship.  Unless it’s murder. That one is hard to come back from I would think?

But absolutely none of that is the point of this post.  Oprah said that one of the biggest mistakes people make when they don’t know what to say is to just say nothing. Nothing at all. You want to say something in those moments in time when something should be said, but you don’t know what to say so you just simply say nothing.  I am so so so guilty of that.  The great, wise and wonderful and all knowing Oprah says that “if you can’t think of anything to say, or don’t know what to say, just say, ‘I don’t know what to say.’”  I agree with that. 

During this time in my life, a lot of people have backed off from me. I can only assume that I’m either A) putting off some “leave me alone!” vibe or B) people don’t know what to say to me after what happened with my mom.  Or maybe C) I am somehow bad luck and the dead mom thing could be contagious.  I don’t know what the deal is.  I just see how people treat me differently now.  Some people anyway.  Some people just are just flat out ignoring me while some people have been great even if they don’t know what to say, I totally get that. I don’t know what to say most of the time and the things I do say seem to come out totally wrong. I feel like I am constantly putting my foot in my mouth!  But at least I’m trying, right? That should count for something, eh?

So back to the Oprah thing, if you don’t know what to say to someone going through a hard time or if you are in a moment when something  really should be said but nothing - yet everything - comes to mind, just be honest and tell that person, “I don’t know what to say.”  At least that person will know that you are thinking of them, trying, reaching out, doing something other than just pushing them to the side.  We all have been pushed to the side, right?  (i.e. when you are having a wonderful conversation with someone and the other line beeps, you are confident that the person will come back to you and you will get to finish your great conversation and nope! They click over only to ask, “Can I call you back?”  Not knowing how important the other call is, you probably felt slighted/ pushed to the side at some point or is it just me?)

Feeling that you are just “being pushed to the side” isn’t a great feeling. Ever.  Feeling second best isn’t a good feeling. Ever.  So if you can’t think of anything to say, just say, “I don’t know what to say.”  At least you are doing your part to keep the lines of communication open.  And that is more important than saying the perfect thing at the perfect time in the perfect tone wearing the perfect outfit and perfect shoes with the perfect song playing in the background ala The Hills. 

When someone is hurting and shows you they are hurting, reach out. Say something, anything.  Anything is better than nothing because the nothing, yeah, that kinda sucks ass. Major ass.  Trust me, I know. More people have just simply said nothing over these last few months and now they might feel it’s too late to say, “I’m sorry for what happened to your mom and family and…. I don’t know what else to say.” It’s not too late ever, to say that kind of thing. 

Did I ramble on and on again? Not making much sense again? I guess you guys will have to just bare with me over the next few months until I get my head straighten out.  Wait. Maybe I shouldn’t limit myself to just a few months, it might take a long while to get things right again.