I told my cousin about our possible move to the north after I get done with school. Her words, “What in the world makes you think that you will feel more at home there than here?” I replied, “I can’t put it into words, yet I could go on and on for two hours about the why.” And then we quickly got off the phone because we both could feel that neither one of us was going to give.
She doesn’t get it and I get that. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her, “Well, cuz, since my mom passed, you really haven’t done much to include me in your family and I feel more alone than ever because you don’t include me in anything that you do, maybe my husband’s side of the family can give me what I’m lacking and missing from my own family.” But that would just hurt her feelings and there is no need for that. There is a time and place to pick your battles and this just isn’t one of those moments in time for me and her.
I know it sounds crazy. Absolutely and 100% crazy and of course the “her mom just passed, so let’s just let her go on about some crazy move” card can be played.
And maybe everyone is right or well, at least my cousin anyway. I think the rest of you are way more supportive than she can be. It hurts though, I was looking for her to say “I understand” but knowing that was was just wishful thinking.
If we do move, I will miss my mom’s boyfriend’s family. They have been great and really stepped up to the plate. I love them all dearly and I think that my mom left me in good hands with them. But I love the idea of being with my husband’s family. His family, the ones that I have met and emailed with are awesome. He has an Aunt Lee, my mom’s name was Lee! She reminds me a lot of my mom and maybe it’s just her that I’m looking to run to? Who knows?
You see, my dad, as in my real dad, left me and my mom when I two. They officially divorced when I was four, but my mom left Germany and left my dad behind when I was two. I guess they tried to work it out when I was around three-ish as he moved back to the states (to the town that live in now), but it wasn’t meant to be. I found out that he passed away like four or five years ago. I have no parents living. My cousin still has both of her parents living. She can’t get what an alone feeling that can be. Even though I’m 33, I feel like an orphan or something like that. I shouldn’t, I know. I am more than able to take care of myself and it’s not my parents died when I was a little girl. But this alone feeling, it sucks ass and yes, I’m trying to reach out to something, somebody, anybody to help feel the void.
My bestest friend ever in life since I was in the 6th grade killed himself six years ago. I have never gotten over that void, not. even. close. Like I probably should see somebody about that because it’s just so hard not having him anymore. I miss him so very much. And it’s not like the “I would leave my hubby for him” kinda thing in case you were wondering that. Nope. He and I were just friends. The bestest of friends for many years. He saw me through, well everything from puberty, to my first crush, then first love, to my step dad hurting me, leaving me and my mom, my marriage that feel apart, just to name a few things. He left New York and his life there to come be with me when I was falling apart. Friends like that don’t come along too often.
My grandpa, aka my hero and the one that hung the moon and stars in my eyes died two years ago.
And now my mom.
Yes. I feel alone. I mean, I don’t feel alone when I have my kids and hubby. I feel very much loved by all of them. But it’s like part of my heart is empty and just waiting to be filled up by someone loving me again like the three people, my bestest friend, my grandpa and my mom. Yes, I know, my hubby should be all of that and more for me and he is! However, yes, the however portion of this sentence, I miss having that extra someone special that could see me for who I really am and give me “Misery{My real name} Speak” advice. Side note: have you seen Jennifer’s Body? In it the blonde girl says, “In Jennifer speak that means…” I need someone to talk to me in Misery {My real name} Speak. And I love that move, Jennifer’s Body, btw.
Ok, rambling again aren’t I? Not making much sense, I know. I should just turn off my computer now and go to sleep and maybe tomorrow type a coherent post, eh?
No comments:
Post a Comment