Sleep. Where are you?

I hate being an insomniac.  I hate it more than most anything in life.  I never sleep. Like ever.  I hate it.  Wanting sleep and not getting it, it sucks.  I understand how much in pain Michael Jackson must have been when he totally overdosed thanks to his dumbass doctor. But all Michael wanted was just to sleep. I get that. All I want is sleep.  And nothing works. 

Warm milk? Check

Sleepy Time Tea? Check

No napping? Check

Exercising? Check

Sleeping pills? Check

But I am kinda anti sleeping pills.  You see, long long time ago I ended up getting addicted to sleeping pills and ended up overdosing because your body ends up building up a tolerance to those type of pills and you have to take more to make them work.  And even then they don’t really work once you’ve gotten to that point of taking way more than the recommended dosage.  You sleep for a few hours and wake up, as in wide awake but drugged out feeling.  It sucks, but at least you got some sleep so it’s worth it.

I overdosed and that was the night of my first panic attack.  It was one of the worse experiences in my life and one that I wish to never repeat.  That night forever made me fearful of sleeping pills and I had to break my addiction right then and there, cold turkey.  But the fear of dying out weighed the suckage of not sleeping.  So, I hadn’t taken a sleeping pill in years. 

Until last week. 

Same old shit happened. They didn’t work. No panic attack this time though. I knew the signs and was able to fight off the panic attack because I knew it was just the medicine.  But I was unable to sleep.  They were useless. In 24 hours, I got a little over a one hour of sleep.  And that has been the norm for what feels like forever.  I get next to no sleep.

I lay here night after night, praying for and wanting sleep and nothing.  I just lay here in bed, or on my couch and nothing. Mind racing. Thinking thoughts.  Thinking about my mom and the last time I saw her.  Thinking about how much of a fuck up I’ve made of my life. Thinking about all the mistakes that I’ve made and scared to death to make another move thinking it will be my next big mistake.  Was school a mistake? What as I thinking going back at my age?  What kind of mother am I to my children? Am I good enough for them?  I don’t know.  All I do know is that I want to go fall asleep around 11 and wake up at 6.  Every night. I want to be a normal sleeper. 

I wonder if I should go to my doctor and tell him. I know he will give me medicine to sleep and I wonder if it will work.  Will it have a reverse reaction like over the counter sleeping pills? I don’t know.  Will they cause me a full blown panic attack because my body doesn’t seem to like sleeping pills?  That’s the thing when you are running on a few hours sleep for days at a time, you stop thinking straight. You feel like you are on the constant verge of a nervous breakdown and nothing makes sense.  You stop being yourself. You stop thinking like yourself.  You stop being tired.  You just stop and become numb. 

I just want a good nights sleep.