Bring on the rain… we will try funny tomorrow

Ok, so I’m trying to take this blog in a different direction, like a more happy direction.  Even though I’m totally on the edge of falling off a cliff and think about killing myself daily because I just have no idea how to walk this earth without my mom. I really don’t.  Now before you go calling 1-800- Suicide on me, I will not be pulling a Fantasia Barrino, ya know the American Idol winner who tried killing herself a few days ago.  Nope. I won’t kill myself because I have kids and the only thing worse than never hearing my mom tell me that she loves me again, not feeling her warm safe hug, not hearing the phone ring and knowing it will be her, the only thing worst than all that is leaving my kids motherless - on purpose.  Having them call someone else, “Mommy” won’t happen on my watch, Lord willing. 

Wow. That wasn’t funny at all was it? And see, I’m trying to be more fun. I want this blog to be a place where I can have fun with my depression and just come her and be as nutty as I want. I am depressed. You know this. But we can still have fun with it, right?

And no, OH. MY. GOD! I DO NOT want to talk to someone about this (aka a therapist).  I have talked to three of them and nobody gets me. I don’t have the energy at this point in my life to tell my life story yet again. Here is the rundown that I have to go through every time and it’s the same ol’ jibber jabber:

• My dad left me and my mom when I was four. I saw him only a  few more times. He died a few years ago.  Funny how nobody in his family could contact me for like 25+ years, but when he died, they knew how to contact to my mom. 
• I was molested by my step dad for years because I didn’t know it was wrong and never told my mom. I thought every dad did that with is daughter - that it was normal and I was weird or wrong for not liking it. I thought it was so normal that my own mom knew so there was no need to tell her- she did not know for the record.  To this day I hate to be alone in a room with nothing but men, I will surely get a panic attack because I don’t trust men in general.  I’ve absolutely 100% trusted three men in my life as in, no anxiety when I am around them. Luckily my hubby is one of those men and my grandpa was one of the other. 
• My mom married a guy in prison after she divorced my step dad.  He spent over 10 years in prison and when he got out when I was in my 20’s, he promptly went back to doing drugs (not that ever stopped in prison) and tired to kill my mom.
• My best friend since the 6th grade killed himself when I was in my 20’s.
• I married a dickhead who had lots of money, but left me and our kid penniless and I spent many nights going to bed hungry so that my baby could eat and the bills could get paid and I did things I wasn’t proud of to make it all ok for my baby in that period of my life. But survival of the fittest comes into play when you have to provide for your 1 year old baby. 
• My current hubby and I filed bankruptcy because we got in over our heads because I was dumb.  But alas I wasn’t done making stupid money mistakes, our house dream house was foreclosed even after we filed for bankruptcy and now we are renting instead of being homeowners. I love my landlord and couldn’t ask for a better renting experience, I still feel like a failure at 33 and not being a homeowner when I was one, twice! I knew better and still got in over my head. 
• My my grandpa, my biggest fan, died two years ago.  And to say I miss him would be an understatement of the greatness. 
• My grandma and mom died within a few months of each other this year.
• My mom passed suddenly and without notice and I’m pissed about it. I’m pissed nobody caught it earlier. I’m pissed she didn’t go to the doctor when she knew she wasn’t feeling right. I’m pissed the ER let her sit for 17 hours before knowing what was wrong with her. 
• I am pissed and angry at a lot of things, mistakes that I have made, mistakes that I didn’t make but somehow I have to pay the price for them. 
• I’m pissed that just two months after my mom’s unexpected death leaving me motherless long before I was ready, my hubby’s plant that he works at is closing and he could possibly be without a job soon just shortly after I quit my own job to go back to school. 

And for all that, I find it hard to sympathize with anyone else going through anything else at the moment. Even if some of the above mentioned mistakes are mistakes that I made with my eyes wide open, I am still just all pissed and depressed.  AND I don’t want to go blabbing to a therapist about my issues because like I said, I’ve been to three and nobody gets me. I feel all like, “You. Are. A. Dumbass.” when I leave their office.  And just like if my hubby decided to leave me this very day, I could not go out dating right now because I just wouldn’t have the emotional energy to invest in anyone at this moment.  Well, I don’t have the emotional energy to invest in yet another therapist.  I just don’t. So please don’t suggest it and don’t judge me for not going.  I’ve got issues. I’m depressed. I know but you, dear readers, are all I’ve got right now. I hope you are up to the challenge. 

But none of this was what I wanted to talk to you about today! I had really funny post all ready in my head! Dang it!!  All this just kinda came pouring out and I suppose it’s time to stop hiding behind what I’m afraid to tell you and just tell you. So, there is it, up there for you to read and judge and shake your head at me and in the end, lend me your shoulder for support that I need right now.  I don’t need money or clothes or stuff. I need you to be my friend.  I need you to understand when I forget your birthdays, It’s not you, it’s me right now and I do hope next year I remember to buy you a present. I need you understand that when I don’t text you or email you as much as I know I should and check up on you, I’m probably doing all I can just to get out bed to take care of my own babies and thinking about anyone else other than me and my girls right now is nearly too much to bear some days.  I need you to understand I have nearly no support system here in my real life.  Everyone has moved on and has way moved past that “She just lost her mom” stage.  But I haven’t moved past anything. I still pray every night for this to be a bad dream and “Please God, please God, bring my mom back to me. I promise to go to church more. I promise to volunteer more. I promise to do better with my life. I will do anything, just make this all a bad dream and bring my mom back to me.”

And it is worth noting that my hubby and kids are great. They are the only things keeping me from falling off the cliff.  I couldn’t ask for a better inner circle than those three people who are my entire world.  They deserve a big fat award or something. 

But none of this was funny was it? Crap. Only a few days into my new direction on my blog and I’ve already fucked it up.  Great! Now I have to start all over tomorrow to try to be funny with this whole depression thing lingering just right underneath the surface.  Sheesh! I hate starting over. It’s just a pain.