For example, while riding the Pirates of the Caribbean ride, I knew that she would have swooned a million times over Captain Jack Sparrow. I got a little teary eyed during that ride knowing that she would have loved it, and it probably would have been one of her favorites. After the ride, as with all the rides at Disney, you are let off in the middle of a gift shop full of souvenirs for whatever ride you just rode. So, after we were let off of Pirates of the Caribbean ride, I made all of us get out of the gift shop quickly. Had my mom been there, we would have spent at least an hour there and no doubt she would have bought little do-das for my girls.
I was sad that my mom couldn’t finally meet some of my blogger family, Karl and Heather with whom we met one night at Downtown Disney. I always wanted her to meet some of you out there just because I always liked showing my mom off to my friends because my mom was really awesome and funny and I’ve just always been that girl that wanted my mom to meet my friends.
I had one really bad night at Disney, the first night that the hubby called his mom to let her know how things were going. It hit me like a ton of bricks that I had nobody to call to tell how things were going. Sure I could have called my cousin, but it’s not the same ya know? I realized that my phone never rang and wasn’t going to ring with calls from a loved one asking, “How’s it going? What’ca doing?” It was a really bad night for me. I cried liked a newborn baby all alone in the bathroom realizing that I’m kinda doing this all on my own from this point forward. My rocks are gone. My grandpa and my mom were my foundation and now… now what? My rocks, the people that cared the most about me are gone and the tears just couldn’t be held back anymore. The hubby and kids were in the dinning lobby area eating dinner and I was thankful that they weren’t there to see the big ball of mess that I had turned into. I purposely didn’t eat dinner with them that night just because I had been fighting back the tears for hours that day and needed that time alone. Well, truth be told, I needed my mom.
Since I’ve been back, again, it’s starting to hit me just how alone I am without my mom. Of course, I have my hubby and kids and I’m starting to realize that they are pretty much all I have- I have to create a new world where I have to share with them all the goofy stuff I would share with my mom like, “Why do groups of 700 lb people with on scooters go to Disney world? Are there really any rides they can ride?” and hope that they can find the humor in the jokes my mom would laugh at.
And then tonight, tonight, again another part of all this hit me. I will never be the center of someone’s world again like I was my mom’s world. You see, the phone has stopped ringing with calls of concern. I called my cousin tonight and she was hosting her bible study group at her house. I called another person and she was just getting ready to eat dinner. I called my mom’s boyfriend and spoke to him and his family and they talked a little about what they have and haven’t yet got out of my mom’s house and it all lasted about 10 minutes. My mom’s boyfriend did tell me about a BBQ that he went to over the weekend at my mom’s best friend house and told me of everyone that showed up. I was a little hurt that I wasn’t invited. Those people are amazing links to who my mom was, she was extremely close to her friends (my mom was WAY more social that I am) and I can only imagine the stories and laughter that they shared. I wish I could have been part of that. Funny thing, when my mom was here, my mom always invited me and my family to her best friend’s BBQ’s. Just hearing about the BBQ, I realize again just how much I miss my mom being here.
I’m really trying not to run and hide and close up from the world. But it’s hard when I reach out and the people I reach for are well, too busy… Like I said before, it’s hard pill to swallow knowing that I am not the center of anyone’s world like I was my mom’s (and if you have been reading my blog for any length of time, I don’t do well when I reach out to someone and they aren’t right there at that moment- yes, I’m overly sensitive, I know this). Nobody will put their life on hold to talk to me on the phone like my mom would do. Nobody probably gave it a second thought to call me while on vacation to see how things were going, and why would anyone? That’s a mom’s job to do, right? Mom’s are suppose to do the, “Call me as soon as you get there” and then get mad when you forget because of course, you arrived just fine and hello! you’re an adult and don’t need to check in with your mom like when you were 10 years old. However, it’s an indescribable lonely feeling when you really have nobody to call to let you know that you arrived there and home again safe and sound. *insert heavy sigh* Enough with the pity party for the night, eh?
I do have some big news that I hope to be sharing in the coming days… and no I’m not pregnant!! :)
For what it's worth -- I was thinking of calling or texting you during your Disney vacation to see how you were doing. I didn't (as you know), but that's because I wasn't sure if you wanted me to do so or not. For me, a vacation is an escape from the pressures and realities of the real world, and I didn't want a call or a message on your phone to bring you out of one world and back into another. If you wanted to go between these two worlds, I wanted you to be able to do so at your own control.
ReplyDeleteThat being said -- yeah. I wish I could tell you that these feelings have manifested themselves and you're done with them -- but that's simply not the case. It's going to be quite a bit of time feeling happy and one moment and sad at the next. It's normal. I'm sorry you ARE going through it, however, and I certainly feel for you. The notion that these specific trigger items flood some wonderful memories back to you and take an oversized bag of emotions with them is both a blessing and a curse at times.
Big hugs to you -- and looking forward to hearing the news!
Like Shiny said, I also thought about texting you while you were at Disney. But I didn't want to intrude on your vacation. It made me feel good to know that you were meeting up with Karl and Heather.
ReplyDeleteYou're going to have good days, and you're going to have bad days. And you are still the center of your girl's universes, and the hubby. You matter to a great number of people, me included.
Can't wait to hear the news!
Shiny and Becky- I understand and hope that you guys didn't take this post as direct hit to you guys!
ReplyDeleteI was expressing the lonely feeling of not having your mom to call or call you when you are off doing something you know she'd loved to hear about... and the fact that when I called her, she was never too busy to talk to me, even at her work and she worked at 911! She never told me that she "was just sitting down for dinner" and would call me back. No matter what she was doing, I was never put on the back bunner when I needed/wanted to talk to her. I am going through the stage of realizing that I have lost that. I took it for granted my entire life, never really understanding just how important that really was. Now I get it and it's too late to do anything about it.
At the same time, I realize that people don't really know what to say or how to act around me at this time... "do I bring it up? do I act like nothing happened?" Do I leave her alone? Or do I smother her?" I get that people don't really know what to do and won't for a really long time... I'm trying my best to understand where others are coming from at the same time learning what the heck I'm suppose to do when things like, "I'm in the middle of something, I'll call you back" can send me into a tailspin of tears and all I really want is my mom.
I understand that as far as my kids and hubby, yes, I'm the center of their world... and while I can still give them comfort that only a mom can give, I want that comfort for myself.
I soooo wasn't ready for this, any of it! I wonder if it came with some warning if I could be handling it better, but one day she was here my mom and all that and the next day, it's just me.