48 Hours

In 48 hours we will be sitting somewhere in Disney.  It’s bittersweet to think about it.  My mom had put so much of herself into this trip and now that she won’t be there, it’s hard for me to truly be happy about it all because she is suppose to be here with us. 

If she was here, she’d be calling non stop telling me not to forget this or to do this or make sure I take care of that… ya know, all the mom stuff. 

I want to come to this blog and talk about more than my mom.  I want to tell you some funny story about my kids or how today I got my first letter from Autumn from camp and how that letter, well really she mailed two! And how those letters are the highlight of my life in what seems like a million years.  And how hearing my youngest count in Spanish makes me happy inside.  I want to tell you all that gooey stuff. 

However, all I can think about to write about is my mom. 

I keep replaying one of the last times we spoke, it was the week of Autumn’s recital and my mom called me at work to say that she couldn’t go because her tummy was hurting, but to tell me that I better record it!- my mom could be a tad bossy.  The pain that she must have been in at that time, I can’t even imagine- what her body was doing at that time would be what ultimately took her from me. 

It was weird because my mom and I never have a conversation that lasted less than five minutes.  However, that day it was short and sweet and to the point. I just blew it off that she must have really been sick and brushed it off.  I think that was the last time we talked. I actually can’t remember the last time we talked.  I think we may have talked that night and I told her about how the recital went, but I can’t be sure.  My memories blend together with everyone that I told about Autumn’s recital.   I just can’t remember the last time my mom and I talked. 

All I can concentrate anymore is my mom, my memories of her, her estate, her house, her stuff,  the lawyers, the extreme disappointment I have in my aunt since this began, the “what if’s” and how is this all gonna play out a year from now.  Note to self: Get a will ASAP!  My mom having had a will would have made this process a thousand times easier. 

There is so much “you gotta do this now” and “well, nothing can be done today.”  It all feels so ….  extreme. 

I wonder if I will make the right choice and right next move? I have no easy answers and nobody to say, “do it this way” like my mom would tell me to do.  She would have all the answers to the questions I have.  There are so many variables in this situation and I have no idea what I’m doing. I tend to always make the wrong choice in life and I’m scared to make the wrong choice again and totally screw myself.  Everyone cares about their own interests, the lawyer cares about money, my aunt cares about stuff, nobody else understands that isn’t just a business transaction for me, this is my mom and her affairs and my emotions are at an all time bipolar swing – I could put both Brittney and Lindsey to shame these days-  and I don’t know what to do and time is not on my side.  There are something's that are gonna happen fairly quickly and I can’t just “take some time.”

Well, in 48 hours I will be Disney and I hope that somehow Disney can make it all better. Help me to see clearly what I cannot see right now.  I hope some time away will give me the answers and direction that I need right now.  I hope that this trip helps to transform from this scared unknowing person to something better than I am today.