Misery Luvs Company

For Now, I’m Not Here

2011-01-03T20:34:00.001-08:00

Because I can, I moved back to JunkFood 4TheSoul. I seem to be a happier/clearer writer when I’m over there. And yes, I use the term “writer” loosely. I understand if you don’t want to hop back and forth. It’s really no biggie… I am blogging for me and for me to get the words that are all jumbled up in my head out in – hopefully- some clear format. I used to want to have thousands of comments and be one of those popular bloggers. However, it’s not about that anymore. I, of course, would love for you guys to follow me back to where it all began. Again. However, in this blogging world where thousands of blogs pop up daily vying for your attention, I understand if you don’t want to go through the riggaromow to add yet another blog to your feed reader. I do thank you for making the move to THIS blog in the first place. You guys are the best blogger friends a girl could ever have.

http://junkfood4thesoul.wordpress.com/

For My Emily

2010-12-13T18:49:00.001-08:00

Today is my baby girl’s 7th birthday.

I guess this blog is becoming much like church, I only post on important days.

Well, on with the mushy mom thing. I will want to remember this day years from now and this blog is really the only detailed link to my past.

My Dearest Emily,

This year has been the roughest year yet, well, to be honest, the last two years have been pretty rough. I wish, as your mom, I could tell you that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that our luck is finally turning around and your world will be all safe and normal again. However, you already think your world IS all safe and normal. Your Daddy and I do our best to keep the crappy-ness from getting anywhere near you and we know it’s working by your smiles and laughter. In all this chaos that has become life, you are a bight light of joy.

Things I love about you:

You are my very own Lady Gaga. I love how you want to wear your big fat pink snow boots EVERYWHERE even though they don’t match a thing and are just so BIG and Snow boot-y looking! You could care less what anyone thinks, you love them and that is all that matters in your world. I wish I was more like that. And the pink boots? They are just one thing you wear that only you think looks great. I have a feeling we are only years away from a really cool ornament dress that you will be wearing to prom. And you won’t be wearing it to make a statement, nope, you will only wear it because, “It looks pretty!”

I love your use of vocabulary. You use all these big grown up words- the correct way! For example, instead of saying, “It’s quiet in here.” You say, “It’s so silent.” And you can already spell better than me. Which isn’t say too much, but still you are only 7! And you can spell and read way better than I thought a 7 year old could read and spell. I am so impressed by you daily at just how smart you really are. Now, if we could just get you to understand how to use “air quotes” correctly.

And your memory! You have the memory of a steel trap, or elephant, whichever is most correct. You remember everything to the last little detail. It is sooooo impressive!

I love your kindness. Your friend at school who doesn’t celebrate Christmas, Thanksgiving or any traditional holiday that we celebrate, in your eyes, that isn’t odd or something to make fun of someone for, she is still one of your best friends and you could care less if she celebrates Christmas or not. You realize even at your young age, those things do not define a persons friendship with you.

And this goes without saying, you are absolutely beautiful. Your freckles, your cute cheeks, your super tiny waste, your dirty blonde hair that can never stay brushed and your nose.

Everything about you is perfect and no other 7 year old can hold a candle next to you when it comes to your beauty and how smart you are. I don’t know what I did to deserve a piece of heavenly perfection that is you. You make me laugh every. single. day. You bring me joy every. single. day. And I thank you for that.

Love, Your Mommy

Ramblings

2010-11-16T21:37:00.001-08:00

I wonder if I should give up this whole blogging thing all together?

I used to not be able to go 10 minutes without checking twitter and/or Facebook on my phone. Now, not so much.

I have all but disappeared the online version of me it seems and to blog now just seems…. fake, like I’m holding on to something that I need to let go, kind of like these blue pajama pants I used to love. They were so soft and comfy and now… well, I guess from all the washing they have lost their softness. And just the other day I cut them into shorts because while I was getting up one day, my foot got caught in the leg and the ripped at the seam of one leg so it just made the most sense to cut them into shorts. Yeah, I feel like my online life is like those pants… I’m hanging to them, but I’m not sure why anymore.

I don’t even read, but like, three blogs anymore. I used to read so many. Now I just don’t. Reading for school takes up my reading quota for the day, I suppose.

Writing for school takes all the creative writing juices I have – and my professors aren’t impressed when I write like I do on this blog. I hate that. It’s hard to change your writing style when you’ve been doing it for so long.

I see a picture of my entire family from Christmas 2007 on my desktop and I want that family back. This Christmas will suck and I know this. I do not want Christmas to come this year. I wish I could hide in my bed and ignore it totally. But I have two little girls and ignoring Christmas is not ok when you have people more important than depression depending on you. I think that I will probably hate Christmas forever more because my doorbell will never ring again at some ungodly hour with my mom holding a cup a coffee for me. She always woke up and got ready and was at my house before my girls were even awake.

I want this Christmas back. You see, my mom’s boyfriend’s family is in this picture and I don’t think we will be invited to their house for Christmas this year. Not that we had a falling out or anything, I just don’t know how that works now. So anywho, more than half the people in this picture … well… ya know. It just makes me very sad. Yeah, I’m pretty sure I’m never going to look forward to another Christmas again.

I finally upgraded my iPhone. I never hook up my phone to my computer so yes, it’s taken me this long. I suck as an iPhone owner.

I am working on a group project for school. I did this really awesome PowerPoint for our project. Nobody emailed me to say, “Wow. Thanks!” I feel like I’m back at my old job.

I had an ear infection on Veterans day and I keep forgetting to take my antibiotics every 8 hours. I worry about that. Plus my ears are still clogged and it’s very annoying!!

And with that, I suppose I am done with my ramblings.

Day 3 and 4

2010-11-04T20:07:00.001-07:00

Ooopie Daisy, I forgot about my blog. Ok, I didn’t, but I’ve been busy with life these past few days and Blah. Blah. Blah. School. Blah. Blah. Blah. About a thousand research papers. Blah. Blah. Blah. Sick kids. Blah. Blah. Blah. Life.

Can I just say that I hate and I do mean HATE writing papers! After having written a blog for this many years and never EVER caring about a damn thesis statement, and if my topic sentences relate back to my thesis and if the last sentence in a paragraph ties back to both my thesis AND topic sentence and not worrying about talking in the first person. CRAP! There are so many rules to “real” writing. It’s enough to send me to the nuthouse! However, I’m becoming quite the critic for other people’s writing now. And no, that’s not a good thing because it kinda takes the run out of reading. I have not, however, gain such an eye for my own writing. Totally weird, eh?

Ok, back to this Memovember thing.

Day 3- A recent picture of you and your friends.

Well, I was dumb earlier this year when I failed to get a picture of me, Karl and Cissa when we met up with earlier this year at the Happiest Place On Earth. And again when I met up with Shiny a few weeks ago. However, Shiny remembered, “Hey! Let’s take a picture!” So we did… Here is me and Shiny and some kids we picked up on the side of the road…

And another picture that reminds the power of friendship and this little thing called bloggerworld…

Though she is not in the picture, these flowers represent my bestest friend Becky who sent these flowers right after my grandma passed.

All my true friends, they live in this computer. I can’t even get a group of ladies to go to the movies with me. I can’t even get my own family (what’s left of it) to call me and make sure that I’m ok and NOT MAKE ME *NOT* CALLING THEM ABOUT THEM. Yes, my true friends are the people who keep their kids up late because I can’t find the damn restaurant in a town I’ve never been before. My true friends are the ones that send flowers to say, “I’m sorry for your loss.” My true friends are the ones that email me, text me, send Facebook messages saying “I’m thinking of you.” My true friends don’t care if I don’t call for six months, but will drive 12 hours just to hang out for the weekend. My true friends don’t forget my birthday and call me a week later (yes, my aunt and cousin forgot my birthday this year.) Yes, my dear readers, you are my only true friends and dare I say you are more like family than my own family (except for my hubby and kids, they kinda take top honors in that department). It both makes me sad and happy. Now, before I get all dopey on the topic, I do have two ladies who I do like in real life and dare I say, we might end up becoming friends? One day maybe? It’s just hard for me to trust people in real life, they always seem to let me down in the worst way.

Ok, enough of all that…

Onto Day 4- A habit that you wish you didn’t have.

Easy!

Smoking.

If I could go back and kick my way younger self’s ass, I so totally would!! My mom was right, I do regret ever picking up the habit. I really fucking hate smoking. I do have plans to quit though, but that is another bad habit of mine, I have all these grand and wonderful plans, but my follow through needs improvement. I wish I was a hardcore type-A person. Yeah, that would be awesome. I’m more of a type-W, X, Y, Y am I doing this again? Type person.

Day 02- The meaning behind your blog name

2010-11-01T19:21:00.001-07:00

After reading LeSombre’s 15 interesting facts, my interesting facts seem blah. There is one more thing you outta know, I always second guess myself. It’s a massive curse I have always thinking, “Man, I should have done or said THAT!”

One thing I forgot to tell you yesterday, I always read the Chuck Lorre Productions vanity card blog type thingy’s after The Big Bang Theory. I actually pause my TV and read them. I wonder if anybody else does too? I would love to meet Chuck Lorre one day. I hope if I ever get on Big Brother, since it’s a CBS show as well as the The Big Bang Theory, I will get to meet him.

None that has ANYthing to do with my blog name.

My official online name is Pipper. I may change blogs, I may change emails, I may change my hair color, but I will never change my official online name.

I was going to college way back in 98 and I took a class on how to use the internet, yes it was an easy A. This was a time when not everybody had a computer or cell phones. The internet was a thing everybody knew about, just not everybody was on it. The masses were just finding out all the mysterious things the internet could do like if you type in your name, your address might come up! Somebody, no make that ANYBODY could find out where you live by typing in your name! Now, of course, that idea is not all ground breaking since now, with a few clicks and dropping a little yellow man onto a map, you can actually SEE someone’s house and street and their neighbors and all kinds of goodies. But that was not the case back in 98.

All I ever heard back then was, “Don’t give out your personal information! Don’t give out your real name or address! You will get a stalker and they will come to your house and rape you and kill you AND your dog!” So, while sitting in this internet class (it was called something else, but really it was a class in which we played on the internet and built our own webpage- I still have that code tuck away because I was so proud of myself! I had built a webpage out of thin air!) again, while sitting in class we had to create an email account, not one the school provided or anything because the school didn’t have school email addresses like today. Really, the internet was really new and just starting to come into its own. So, we could pick to create a Hotmail account or a yahoo account. I was going to go with Hotmail, but when I typed in Hotmail, and I swear it was just like that, HOTMAIL, all kinds of pop up ads for hawt males popped up and if I X’d out of them, another one would just pop up. All these gay male ads took over my computer! I had to shut down the computer from the hard drive to stop the madness!

So, I went with yahoo after that.

The night before, I had watched the only episode of Charmed I would ever watch and there was a girl on there named Piper. I liked that name and decided that would be my online name when I was instructed to come up with an email account- remember, I was told NOT to use my real name or I would die in the most horrible way. And thus, I would be Pipper. Yes, and one of the most embarrassing spelling errors in my life, I misspelled Piper and put Pipper instead. I didn’t even realize my mistake until years later. I tried once to correct myself and officially become Piper online, but to no avail. I am now and will forever be Pipper. The numbers after my name may change, my blog address may change, everything about me will change, but am Pipper. And of course, some of you know my real life name, and for that reason, I will go by both, but I am making more of an effort to keep my online life more close to my heart and not just “out there” because if I do become a teacher, I don’t want every parent and principal Googling my blog and knowing what you know. Like I’ve said before, I trust my blogging family and friends more than I trust people in real life. People in real life are mean and judgmental and I generally just don’t trust the people I know in real life.

And how did I get Misery Loves Company as THIS blog name which was the original question? I like the saying and thought it was a cute idea for a blog name. No flashy reason why I came up with Misery Loves Company, just wanting to change from my last blog to this one. However, for those of you that know my old blog… I am thinking of returning? I don’t know. I’ve been throwing the idea around because while I like Misery Loves Company, I *am* my old blog. I visit it from time to time and reflect on where I was and where I am today. I don’t feel I have come a long way since my very first post. I don’t know if I will really make the change? Maybe after this 30 days thing, I will? I don’t know… I think it’s a lot to ask of people to keep following you from blog to blog. What do you think? Would you update your feed readers if I ever change again?

And just another random FYI- one of my newest traditions is watching The George Lopez show with my oldest daughter after the youngest one goes to bed.

George Lopez Show

Day 1- 15 facts about me

2010-10-31T23:05:00.001-07:00

So, my Canadian friend, LeSombre had this meme up a while ago and I really liked the idea of it.

Day 01- A recent picture of you (with really messed up bangs!) and 15 interesting facts about yourself

Fifteen ~~interesting~~ facts about myself:

I am only child. While not all together interesting, I could not imagine having a sister or brother who I had to share with. I used to like that everything that is mine, is in fact, mine. I never had that argument, “Mommmmm! She stole my hair bow!” The downsize, I have nobody to share the pain of losing my mom. I am all alone in this heartbreak and it sucks. I guess it would have been worth losing a few hair bows just for someone to say, “I know and understand.’ And I totally know that they do.
I want a third baby. I will never have a third baby. No longer can I hide behind the unknowing of how much babies cost. I know how much work babies are and how much they cost and having a third baby would not be fair to the two that I have. So, yeah, that’s a touchy subject for me.
I have a messed up fingernail. You probably wouldn’t even notice it, it’s not big deal. It has some ridge type stuff going on. However, it would be enough to identify my body – if my hand was attached and my face was not.
I love and hate staying up late at night. I am a hardcore insomniac. Apparently, so was my great great grandma. I love the quiet. I hate that I’m tired in the mornings.
I am going back to school so that I can teach algebra. Math is easy to me. English stuff like, spelling and grammar is not.
If I loose a certain amount of weight, I made a promise to myself to get plastic surgery. I hope I have enough money saved by then to make that dream come true.
There isn’t much about pop culture that I don’t know about. I really should work at E! However, I’m not young or pretty enough. Had I known what I was doing with this blogging thing years ago, I could have been the first Perez Hilton only I wouldn’t have been so mean.
I have an uncanny way of knowing – in pop culture- who’s mom of whom and who played in what TV show. In just about everything I watch, I’m like, “That’s the lady from so-n-so show.” or “She is the real life wife/mom/girlfriend of so-n-so.” It’s a gift I have.
I suck at remembering real live people. I have classes with people who, when they see me outside of class, say hi and stuff and I have no idea who they are. Apparently I don’t care as much about my classmates as I do who was Jennifer Aniston’s latest boyfriend.
I want to be on Big Brother.
I don’t understand how Charlie Sheen still has a job, I mean Two and a Half men isn’t even nearly the funniest thing on TV by a LONG shot! They let him go on as business as usual and yet Lindsey Lohan is crucified. I don’t get it. The same way I don’t understand how the Oxy-Clean stuff still has Billy Mays on it’s commercials and he died with cocaine in his system. I have a feeling if it were a woman who was the spokesperson and then died with cocaine in her system, she would never be seen again. It goes without saying that I think, in Hollywood, there is a double standard for men and women.
It annoys me when people say, “My family always comes first.” Of course they do, I think it goes without saying. So, when people say it more than, oh like one time, I think they are being fake. I also think it’s fake to brag. I can’t stand a bragger. And being happy about something is different than bragging.
I think 9/11 should be a holiday. I hate that we go on as business as usual on that day. It will never be normal for me again. However, I get the reasons we don’t make it a holiday. I just wish that we didn’t treat it as just any other day.
The only crossword puzzles I can do are the People crossword puzzles. I feel so proud of myself when I complete one.
People said when I was younger, I looked like Linda Blair. Now I don’t I guess I look like anyone but me.

Boston or Bust- A.D.D Style

2010-10-06T01:47:00.001-07:00

Soooo, the Hubby and I decided to travel to Boston this coming week to visit with the Hubby’s family. We were gonna fly, but flying is for the lame-o’s* and we ARE SO NOT lame. Therefore, we are driving. 20 hours. Hardcore, eh?

I don’t worry about the kids getting bored. They have enough gadgets and gizmos to keep the occupied- or so I assume. I worry about meeeee! I think in my old age, I have acquired A.D.D. Seriously. I have the attention span of a nat. I need constant changing of things.

But we are gonna do it. Drive 20 hours. And then back 20 hours. That’s like a full work week just in driving. Crazy!

The last time I took a long car trip was when my mom and I rode a train cross-country to California for my 13th (or was it my 14th? Somewhere around there) birthday. Then we moved there and moved back here - all within like six months. She must have acquired A.D.D. as well? But I swore then that my days of long car rides were O-V-E-R. I had seen all of America nearly from cost to cost four times over in a short amount of time and that was good enough for me- for a lifetime.

Fast forward to this weekend and I’m gonna do it again. Granted, it’s not nearly as long as driving to the big C- A but still, it’s a long drive!

But ya know, I think it’s a rite of passage for kids to endure such car rides. I was telling my oldest that when I was her age and I had to endure countless 8 hour trips to see my uncle and all the trips my grandparents took me on and all I had was a walkman. And there was no USB ports or car battery adaptors to recharge non existent iPods. Once I was out of batteries, that was it. There was no buying anymore. I actually had to talk either my mom or my grandparents- whoever had dragged me on some “adventure.” But, truthfully, it was fun. Some of my favorite memories were those long car rides and now I am more than thankful that I have those memories. Yeah, now that I think about it, long car rides can be pretty awesome.

So, what say you? Do you have any memories of long car rides with your family? Was it torture of was it fun? Did you guys play games or what did you do?

A song that I’m sure I listened to a thousand times before the batteries ran out…

Tiffany- I think we’re alone now

*Lame-o’s are actually people who can afford to fly a family of four, which I cannot at this moment in time if I want to stay in a hotel and eat while in Boston. *le sigh*

I don’t have skin cancer, but more importantly, the doctor asked if I was 25!

2010-09-30T22:01:00.000-07:00

I have started watching The Big C on Showtime. I totally recommend checking that show out if you have 30 minutes to spare each week. I am really enjoying it. It’s about a lady who has been diagnosed with skin cancer and has about a year left to live.

Well, I have this mole on my arm that I have forEVER! I figured it was time to get it checked out before the hubby’s insurance runs outs when he no longer has a job. I mean, if I have cancer, I might as well find out now, right? It’s called perfect timing folks.

Well, I don’t have cancer and it’s just your everyday run of the mill mole, but I’m to keep a close eye and come back if it changes. BUT more importantly, the doctor said to me, “You are 25 right?” Um. Hello! I was so giddy when he said that. I will never know if he was just being polite and says silly things like that to all his patients, but for today, for this moment, I am going to believe the really thought I was 25!

I got a new haircut and that may have something to do with it. My hair is up to my shoulders and I have bangs now. I would post a picture, but that would require me to get up and turn on a light and take a picture. None of which I want to do at this moment in time.

However, I will show the pictures from my doctors office. It was something I had never seen before! I went in expecting it to look like every other doctor’s office I have been in:

But instead I found this:

I know what your thinking. It was the exact thing I was thinking when I walked into his office. “Great. Now I’m gonna have to get a second opinion because who is this guy and what is all this crap? ~~Is this how they do it in~~ ~~Canada~~?” However, he was GREAT! He knew right away by something or other what kind of mole I had. Assured me that since I’ve had it forever and it’s not changed, that it’s nothing for me to worry about and blah. blah. blah. More serious doctor stuff. I left there feeling reassured that I don’t have skin cancer and can now watch The Big C in peace and stop worrying about the mole on my arm. All is good in the world and I have something to be really happy about!

And one more thing: I might, just might get my kitchen back on Monday. Remember it looks like this (now without the fans! Yay! They were so loud!!! And the fan guy was a JERK! That is a whole other blog post for another day):

Yep. No stove. No sink. No counters. Just a room with a fridge. It’s been annoying more than anything. All the things that were in the cabinets are now on my dinning room table and floor and everything starting to spread all over to the rest of the house. But I hope our days living this way are coming to an end. Very exciting!

And just one more thing: Today is the launch day of

Carboholics Anonymous

This is a blog created by some awesome women and I was invited to share my weight loss journey on this blog as well! Please check it out and let us know what you think! Some really amazing people have been working hard to get this blog up and running and I think it looks great!!

Oh and it’s my birthday month! I almost forgot to share that with you. Man, that would suck! Wouldn’t want you to forget such an important event.

Ok, all happy news today! You are proud of me aren’t you? But I promised you guys when I have something to cheer about, you’d be the first to know and well, now you know!!!

And this is my newest favorite song. I can’t hear it enough!! Do you have a favorite song right now?

Promises, promises, promises

2010-09-27T20:03:00.001-07:00

Sooooo…. my hubby got this P90X thingy from a friend. What is a P90X thingy you ask? Well, it’s a series of workout DVD’s. Like hardcore burn 600 calories a workout DVD’s. I was telling my hubby that I needed a hardcore workout routine because it was just too easy for me to workout to easy programs and I need results, like now, today. And he just happened to have a friend that had these workout DVD’s who no longer can use them because he got sick, like long term sick, not like a “I have a cold” sick. Even though I would use a cold as a perfect excuse to never workout again, my hubby’s friend isn’t the kind that would do that. However, since he has been advised by a doctor not to do P90X anymore, he gave us his DVD’s. Pretty cool, huh?

I have had these DVD’s for a few weeks now annnnndddd every night I promise myself that I will start tomorrow. Well, tomorrow somehow always seems to come and go and I make the same promise every night never once following through on my promise from the night before. I need to work on my follow through, yes?

So, needless to say, I really need to keep that promise one of these days if I ever expect to stop being compared to a whale. Funny thing, I lost like 30 pounds just a while ago. Well, it wasn’t overnight or anything, actually it took a long time, like 6 months. (I haven’t lost one pound and actually have gained 5 since the whole thing with my mom, it’s been that long since I lost any weight- which I find crazy because I know what I have to do to lose weight so I only have myself to blame! *sigh* /EndofRant). I know, for me, the only thing that I can do to lose weight is to exercise. I can count all my calories until I’m blue in the face and I’m not gonna get the results that I need or want. For me, exercise is the only way. Why wasn’t I blessed with one of those bodies that could just eat whatever I wanted and yet never gain a pound? I really want to trade in my body for one of those bodies. I wonder how I can do that? Any ideas?

Well, I am hoping that tonight as I type out the same promise that I have said in my head over and over and over again, this time it will stick. Tomorrow I will start my P90X workout. I promise.

My Weekend: You take the good, you take the bad

2010-09-26T19:44:00.001-07:00

So, if the dead grandma, dead mom and an $800 car repair wasn’t enough for one year, now our kitchen looks like this:

That’s right, we had a leak from our dishwasher that ran up under our flooring and now the whole flooring and all the cabinets had to come out to let the subfloor dry out. Good times.

Is this not the best year ever? I can hardly wait to see what fun 2011 has in store for us!

Well, being on the verge of killing yourself can really bring out the best in your husband. Sometimes. Let me repeat, sometimes. He isn’t handing this woman’s depression and many mega meltdowns with perfect ease, but he is trying. God bless him, he is trying the best way the can.

My hubby, in all his awesomeness took me to see *THE* Chelsea Handler Friday night. Yep. Awesomeness, right?!?! And the best part, we are going to get refunded our money for the tickets because they were having some sound issues and the sound sucked ass (I want to blame myself for bringing my constant rain cloud of bad luck with me, but I don’t want to be responsible for refunding all those people their tickets so I will leave that to the venue to handle that clusterfuck)

I was super excited as I am a HUGE fan of Ms. Handler! AND my “not so biggest fan of a Ms. Handler” cousin was getting to see her for free as in one of her best friends bought her a ticket (a while ago) and naturally I was jealous (this whole time) yet again of my oh so perfect cousin and her oh so perfect life. But back to my point. My wonderful hubby was taking me to see Chelsea Handler!!! And that was awesome!

So me and my hubby were sitting there just waiting for the show to start in this arena that seats like 18,000 or so people, I’m guessing. We were trying to see if we could spot my cousin. I naturally assumed she had front row seats because that is just how her life works out. But I was wrong. Out of all the seats in that entire place, remember like 18,000 or so… who but who should have a ticket for the seat right next to me?

Yep. My cousin. That is my hubby, me and my cousin. What. Are. The. Odds?!?!? I mean really? The ticket in her hand was for the seat right next to mine! Are you kidding me? That on top of the sound being fucked up, I was screaming in my head, “FUCK YOU KARMA! COME ON! Give me just one freaking break, will ya?!?! What the FUCK have I done so wrong that I can’t get one freaking night to forget about how fucked up my life is? I hate you Karma, or whoever you are that is so totally fucking with me!” But as you can see, I put on a big bright smile and acted happy as usual. *le sigh* I know you’re sick of it too. I’m sick of complaining about how fucked up my life is as well. Trust me, when I have something to cheer about, you will be the first to know.

But I digress.

Earlier in the night, I posed this question on Twitter:

And then THIS happened!

That is her signing my book! And she said, “Thanks {and then MY name}.” Chelsea Handler said my name! How awesome is that! Finally something to be thrilled about! I felt so special when she said my name. I mean, is this lady that I watch every night – I watch her so much that I know when it’s a repeat by the clothes she wears, it’s like I have some memory malfunction where I can’t remember that my kids have parent/teacher conferences (yes I forgot to meet my kids teachers this week! Can you believe that!) but yet I can seemly remember Chelsea Handlers clothes. Very odd. Anyway, so this lady that I watch nightly and here she was saying my name and signing my book! I felt like the prettiest girl at the ball or at least like Bella when she was dancing with Edward in the first Twilight movie at the prom. I love that scene don’t you?

So anyway, that was my Friday night. Not bad if I do say so myself. Besides the sound issue and the cousin thingy. It makes me wonder if I should pose more questions on Twitter? Maybe Twitter is the kryptonite to whatever I have done to Karma to make her hate me so much?

So, I should ask Twitter:

Please Twitter, send my hubby a awesome job and in three years have to where he can transfer to the Boston area. I would love to move sooner but the hubby thinks it’s a bad idea to move right now. I worry he will never really want to move and I will die in this town that I have grown to hate with every ounce of who I am. But apparently I am alone in that feeling. - that is more than 140 characters isn’t it? Oh . Well. I want to move and I’m afraid the discussion is off the table indefinitely.

Please Twitter, get me out of this funk that I am in. I think I’m really starting to suck more than usual as a mom these days and I really don’t want to fuck up my kids more than I already have.

Please Twitter, give me what is totally and utterly missing from my life- passion. I have none. Nada. Zip. All out of passion these days and I have no idea what I’m doing anymore. I feel more lost than I ever have in my entire life.

Please Twitter, a free Botox thingamig would be AWESOME! And a free trip to New York for me and my hubby and kids would be great! I really want to see either the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade or the Christmas Tree lighting. Either one, I’m not picky. Ya know, a free trip to anywhere would be awesome. I want out of this town and entire state to some place far far away if even for a weekend. - Again, over 140 characters isn’t it?

So, what would you ask Twitter for if Twitter could grant you any wish?

Tomorrow’s only a day away

2010-09-19T23:10:00.001-07:00

Four months since I last saw my mom. The longest time I ever went without talking to her before now, like a week, if that.

If I didn’t call my mom to her liking, she called me and said, “You never call me!” I did, of course! I called her all the time! But it was never enough to her liking. Must be a mom thing.

I miss her more than I could ever tell you. There just aren’t enough words in the English language.

I haven’t told anyone who I have met since that day that I lost my mom. All the new people that I have met at school, they have no idea. And when they tell me about their mom, it breaks my heart that I can’t join in on the fun. Actually, most new people don’t even know that I have a husband and kids. I kinda just keep all that personal stuff to myself. I mainly talk about school to them and that’s it.

But behind closed doors, I totally and 100% define myself by my mom’s death, but I don’t make that public to just everyone. I don’t tell people how much pain that I am in, not even my hubby knows. She is now all but forgotten by everyone but me. I know she is not like forgotten-forgotten. I know that people still remember her, but her name is never brought up anymore. I haven’t talked to her boyfriend or his family in months – it seems. My hubby said that they would fade away and I guess he was right. Nobody calls to check up on me to see how I am doing, not even my hubby. I guess I’m suppose just be over it or at least learned enough now on how to deal with it all on my own.

It’s funny though. My smiles that were once so fake have become even more fake. I have all but convinced myself that I will never be happy again and that God hates me.

I don’t know anyone else who as lost their mom, husband loosing his job and to top it all of, we had a massive leak or something in our house and now we have heater fans thingies in our house and under our house to dry everything out which means that this months eclectic bill will be through the roof. Full of awesome, yes? And to top it all off, I don’t know where we will be living in 90 days! Will my hubby find a local job? Will he find a job elsewhere? And if it is elsewhere, then where? And my house is so hot right now! Nobody can sleep with all this heat stuff going on. I am just so over all this. It seems like there is always one thing after another and the chances of me actually being happy for longer than a repeat of Glee are next to impossible. I can’t seem to catch a break to save my life!

I know, I know, self pity party of one your table is ready. Or you are thinking, “God girl, go see someone. You can be happy again, I promise!” But I will give you a million excuses as to why I don’t want to go see someone and why I don’t think I will ever be happy again. Right now all I think about is that, “I’m the girl who lost her mom and grandma this year. My husband is loosing his job in less than a month with no other job lined up. And my house is so hot that I can’t sleep! (not that I sleep a whole hell of a lot anyway) and as you know, I feel so fat, old and ugly right now.” And I can’t define myself any other way right now.

This year as been so horribly bad for me and I don’t know how much more I can take. I don’t know how much more can be put on my shoulders before I literally just crumble down and break into a million pieces. I don’t know how many more unhappy moments that I can take or how many more fake smiles that I have in me. No worries seriously though, I’m not gonna go off and kill myself or anything like that!! I just honestly don’t know how much more shit I can take before I have a nervous breakdown. I don’t know how many more times bad news can be delivered to me before I start screaming and never stop. How many more bad news moments until I end up in a padded room somewhere?

And the biggest mistake I made, or better yet, the worse advice I ever took, right after my mom passed, I had her mail transferred to me. So every. single. day. I get some piece of mail in her name reminding me every day of my loss. And it sucks. The hubby has offered to start to check the mail, but I’m such a control freak about the bills and things of that nature that I trust nobody but me to check the mail and make sure everything is in it’s perfect place. The mail is a sickness with me. I have no idea why.

I want to be happy. I am thankful to be in school, but worried about the money this is costing us and how crazy was I do this now in my life??!?! And if I had known that my husband’s plant was going to be closing this year, I would have never quit my job and gone back to school. I regret the decision that I made already. My timing of wanting to change my life could not be worse, but for me, just par for the course I guess. I look at my girls and their smiles and try to pull their happiness into my soul, but nothing. Their happiness is their own. I try to be thankful for a husband who loves me, but truth be told, some of the love is starting to be filled with resentment. He hasn’t gotten a job yet. He, who is my only safety net left, is not giving me that safe feeling anymore (do know that jobs today start off paying like crap! Which is so awesome when you have a family of four to support.) AND he has his mom to call him daily and I don’t have mine. I’m jealous of him and pissed off at him all at once. I have no support system here. I looked at my cell phone bill, you know how many calls I received and made on the last bill? Zero. How sad. I don’t call anyone and nobody calls me. In the last month, I have four real people email me. I don’t think it’s possible to feel more alone than I do right now. I don’t think it’s possible to feel more scared than I do right now. What is so wrong with me that nobody wants to call me? I guess my sadness is just so freaking overwhelming that nobody wants to come near me even if it is by phone? I need to just face the fact that I will never have a best friend in real life who I can just hop over to her house and have coffee with her and dinners at friends houses are just totally and 100% out of the question. It is nice to have a blogger family, but this computer can’t take the place of phone call with a real live voice on the other end. This computer can’t take the place of a hug when I’m crying. I need to face the fact that I when I die, the only people there will be my husband and kids and my closest blogger friends who won’t find my funeral an inconvenience. Ya know, I don’t even know enough people to have pallbearers for my coffin. How sad is that?!??! But again, I swear I am not planning on killing myself!!! I could never do that to my girls. Even I’m not that selfish!

But what bothers me the most is why did I quit my job? Why didn’t I wait? Had I waited just a month, I would have known that my husband’s plant would be closing. And what the fuck are we going to do for money when he no longer has a job? How does that work? I can’t go back to my job. It’s not there anymore. Someone else is doing my job. Really though, how much more can I take? I don’t want to know. But I’m scared I’m gonna find out no matter what my wishes are. I’m scared to answer the phone thinking it will be just more bad news. I am scared when my husband walks in the door that he will deliver more bad news. I hate to check my mail because I know that it’s full of bills and reminders about my mom and none of that is good news (yes, I know, I should start to let my husband check the mail). I am scared about when my husband is no longer working, what if we need medical care? How does that work when you have no insurance? I can hardly pay our medical bills now, let alone without insurance! So much racing in my mind. So much to think about. So. Much. Shit.

But I guess this lonely scared life is just how it’s supposed to be right now. Maybe tomorrow will be better than today? Maybe. The little hope that I have left is all going towards that tomorrow is better than today.

I just want someone to see me as pretty

2010-09-15T13:31:00.001-07:00

I walked into the gas station yesterday to buy some cigarettes. The cashier asked if I worked at Wal-Mart. I guess I looked liked someone that worked at Wal-Mart wearing my kaki pants and a blue shirt with my hair pulled back into a pony tail – why was my hair in a pony tail you ask? Well, last time I dyed my hair, I just bought this root thingy stuff since it’s not my entire scalp of head that turned grey. However, it was the first time I ever used that stuff and you may not realize it, but I have massive amounts of hair. One bottle of root stuff just didn’t cover everything like I had expected and yes, I had my hair in a pony tail because it’s the only thing that hid all the straggly grey hairs that I didn’t covered with one bottle of root stuff.

BUT. When the cashier asked me if I worked at Wal-Mart, all I could think about is the pictures that I’ve seen on WalmartPeopole.com and I thought, “O.M.G. Do I look like *THAT*?!?!?”

Anyway, that was was long winded, wasn’t it?

Again, yesterday at school, before class there was a group of standing in the hallway chatting before the other class let out so that we could go in. One of the older guys, I’m guessing like 45ish – he has stated that he is retired military so I’m guessing he is in his 40’s. Any who, in some boring way that is even more boring the story of my hair dye root stuff as described in the above paragraph- we started talking about Eddie Murphy’s Raw stand up act. He asked, “Man, we are showing our age aren’t we?” I replied, “Yes, I guess we are.”

Oh. My. Gawd. Am I sick of not being pretty and young. I literally want to shot myself in the head, ok, not really, but still. I am so sick of being old and ugly and fat. I used to think it was just the way that *I* saw myself and now I’m finding out that is not, in fact, just the way that I see myself. Apparently everyone sees me this way.

It. Is. So. Depressing.

The whole thing about being asked how I feel about returning to school and being around all “these young people” by a 17 year old twat. And then looking like a Wal-Mart person and now I’m “showing my age?”

All I want is for someone, other than my hubby because he totally doesn’t count because he tells me daily how beautiful I am. So, it’s kinda like when your mom tells you that you are pretty. It just doesn't count because by law they have to say that type of mushy stuff. I want someone not related to me, some random person that doesn’t know me from Adam to make me feel and see me as pretty and not old, fat and ugly.

I want someone to see me and say, “You are 33? No. WAY! ” And mean it. I want some college boy at school to hit on me or some random guy at a bar. Do you know how long it has been since I’ve been hit on? Since me and the hubby started dating. Yes, really that long. I only wish I was kidding or making that up. Is that bad of me to be so vain? I just don’t want be looked at as old and un-pretty and no longer relevant because only pretty people seem to be relevant anymore.

I just want someone to see me as pretty.

Only if you watched the VMA’s will you slightly care about this post

2010-09-13T18:24:00.001-07:00

How is that the day after the VMA’s the major story is ripping Taylor Swift about singing a song that told the story of her forgiving Kanye West for ruining her moment last year and NOT Lady GaGa wearing meat as an entire outfit? I mean, how does one make an outfit out of meat? That is the burning question that I wanted answered today. Do you just go to the grocery store and pick out the prime cuts? How do you sew something like that? Just how do you do it?

How funny would it be if, say at your next major event like a baby shower or something like that, you go wearing an outfit of meat? Oh! And how awesome if Cher was there to hold your meat purse?!?! That would be legendary and I bet you’d get an E! Reality Show from pulling a stunt like that. I know that I’d be impressed.

Well, in any event, I’m glad Lady GaGa won Video of the Year even though I was rooting for Eminem. I actually liked all the songs nominated last night expect for that ridiculous Airplanes song. I literally want to stick screwdrivers in my ears when I that song. It’s. So. Overplayed!

Ok, enough of the VMA’s. I’m already more bored writing about it than I was watching it last night.

Did you watch last night? Did everyone you were rooting for win?

<a href="http://video.msn.com?mkt=en-us&brand=msn video&playlist=videoByUuids:uuids:db0ecd65-13a6-6b76-8887-02a5b157f583&showPlaylist=true&from=cp^IV2_en-us_tv_LastNightOnTV&fg=MsnEntertainment_video_hub_lnotv" target="_new" title="Monday, September 13: 'VMA': Taylor's Tribute to Kanye">Video: Monday, September 13: 'VMA': Taylor's Tribute to Kanye</a>

Ignorance Never Produced Peace: My 9/11 Post

2010-09-10T19:04:00.001-07:00

Do you know how we, we as in our white American government, back in the 1860 (give or take a few decades) treated the Indians? In two words: like shit. But you know this right? Trail of Tears anyone? Did you know that is was very publicly said that “The only good Indians I ever saw were dead.” The government sent out soldiers to kill buffaloes because the buffalo was the main source of food for many Indian tribes and by killing the buffaloes, we were able to kill the Indians in many cases. Our government wanted Indians to die, just be dead. Poof. Gone. No more. Why? Because our “people” did not understand the Indians (and we wanted their land to build railroads, but that was almost a bonus that the Indians had the land we needed. I have a sneaky suspicion that we would have wanted them dead anyways because our American government doesn’t like “new stuff” nor “new kind of people” nor change well.) We did not understand their silly dances, their culture, or the way they worshiped. We understood nothing about them so it was easier to kill them than to learn from them. Our own ignorance cost us the opportunity to actually better ourselves from taking what was good about the Indian way of life and improving our own. (As you can tell, I don’t buy into the belief that the only reason we wanted them dead and “away from us” was just so that we could build railroads, feel free to disagree though.)

Ok, so since we have had our history lesson of the day, why am I talking about this now? Today?

I would love to say that we have come a long way since then. That we truly learned our lesson by our misuse of the Indians and black people of the 1860’s, plus or minus a few decades. That we truly learned that we cannot, in fact, force our way of life on upon others that we don’t understand just because if we don’t understand them, then *THEY* must be wrong.

But we haven’t come along way, have we? We, as Americans, still want to force feed our Apple American Pie way of life down the throat of anyone who we deem different because in this America, different *STILL* equals wrong.

I sit here today as a very proud Christian, but I will gladly learn from my Muslim friends, well truth be told, I only have one that I know of and I think she is pretty awesome! SHE is the one that represents to me all Muslims, not the crazy fucks that caused 9/11. And for her, I hope that I help represent Christians everywhere and she does not view Christians as “those crazy people” who want to burn her scriptures that connect her to her God. Also, I hope that she does not view Rev. Phelps as part of who I am and what I believe because those two represent no part of who I am or what I believe no matter how much a Christian bow they tie on it.

I know that the Muslims that caused 9/11 do not speak for every Muslim that walks this earth JUST LIKE that dumbass preacher in Florida nor Rev. Phelps speaks for me as a Christian.

Just FYI- Did I miss the part where every Christian in the history of Christianity has always done everything perfectly and we, as Christians, have never had anybody do anything radical in the name of Christ (David Koresh, Rev Phelps and crazy burning Quran preacher don’t count for this pop quiz)? I mean to be Christian, does that automatically make me and all my “people” perfect because if so, man am I luckier than I thought!

I, for one, not only think the so called “Ground Zero Mosque” should be right smack in the middle of Ground Zero (for one, IT’S NOT A MOSQUE; it’s an Islamic Cultural Center with lots to do instead of planning the next attack horrific attack on America, plus it’s two whole blocks from Ground Zero, so STOP CALLING IT THE GROUND ZERO MOSQUE!**), but we should welcome it with open arms! It is in our Constitution that we, as Americans, are guaranteed freedom of religion.* Our belief in the Constitution is ingrained in us just as much as Coke Cola is the greatest soda ever made, because it totally is!

I think, we as Americans, should welcome that “Mosque” with open arms as a way to say, “Fuck you 9/11 crazy fucks! YOU WILL NOT WIN! You crazy fucks that caused 9/11 DO NOT represent the entire religion of Muslims JUST LIKE everyone who is German does not automatically hate Jewish people in today’s world, nor do white men hate Indians. We have learned from our hatred of black people after the Civil War (Ok, I know that one is still up for discussion, at least where I live). We have have learned from our treatment of the Indians and we will NOT make the same mistakes again. We will take this opportunity to learn and maybe, just maybe become a better society from it. We will not take this opportunity and realize in 100+ years that we fucked it up- again. We have grown and learned from the mistakes our forefathers made. We tried to make the Indians just. like. us. and it didn’t work (Please see Americanization) so we get it, we cannot make the entire world just. like. us. Because we think we our way of life is better than everyone else's. Maybe, just maybe, we can all co-exist with understanding and tolerance.”

I don’t understand why the hatred and anger people have against Muslims building the Islamic Cultural Center near Ground Zero. It was a small handful of crazy people that caused 9/11, and it more than likely would have happened no matter what religion those crazy people were. You can take any religion and twist it in a way that justifies acting a fool, those people just happened to be Muslims (plus, I think some people are literally just born crazy). However, they could have been Christians just as easily. For my religion has not always produced perfect people either, Hello Rev. Phelps and David Koresh, you sicko’s!

Maybe I have it all wrong and feel free to disagree with me. However, I swear to goodness, if I get one more email about Obama being Muslim and some connection about him and 9/11 while holding an upside down phone, I will have a nervous breakdown.

My point to all this: a small handful of crazy people do not represent the entire whole.

Oh! And the ignorance doesn't stop at New York City city limits, nope, this is happening right outside of my town about an hour away, please click to see video.

And here is another local (to me) preacher who wants to burn the Quran.

I don't understand how people can be so against the burning of the Quran yet not accepting of the "Ground Zero Mosque?" How can you think one is wrong and not the other? They are both acts against Muslims and their beliefs, right?

------------------

*"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances."

**It will include a culinary school, gym and basketball court, swimming pool, a Sept. 11 memorial and contemplation space, and a mosque, intended to be run separately from Park51 but open to and accessible to all members, visitors and our New York community.

Sleep. Where are you?

2010-09-02T23:57:00.001-07:00

I hate being an insomniac. I hate it more than most anything in life. I never sleep. Like ever. I hate it. Wanting sleep and not getting it, it sucks. I understand how much in pain Michael Jackson must have been when he totally overdosed thanks to his dumbass doctor. But all Michael wanted was just to sleep. I get that. All I want is sleep. And nothing works.

Warm milk? Check

Sleepy Time Tea? Check

No napping? Check

Exercising? Check

Sleeping pills? Check

But I am kinda anti sleeping pills. You see, long long time ago I ended up getting addicted to sleeping pills and ended up overdosing because your body ends up building up a tolerance to those type of pills and you have to take more to make them work. And even then they don’t really work once you’ve gotten to that point of taking way more than the recommended dosage. You sleep for a few hours and wake up, as in wide awake but drugged out feeling. It sucks, but at least you got some sleep so it’s worth it.

I overdosed and that was the night of my first panic attack. It was one of the worse experiences in my life and one that I wish to never repeat. That night forever made me fearful of sleeping pills and I had to break my addiction right then and there, cold turkey. But the fear of dying out weighed the suckage of not sleeping. So, I hadn’t taken a sleeping pill in years.

Until last week.

Same old shit happened. They didn’t work. No panic attack this time though. I knew the signs and was able to fight off the panic attack because I knew it was just the medicine. But I was unable to sleep. They were useless. In 24 hours, I got a little over a one hour of sleep. And that has been the norm for what feels like forever. I get next to no sleep.

I lay here night after night, praying for and wanting sleep and nothing. I just lay here in bed, or on my couch and nothing. Mind racing. Thinking thoughts. Thinking about my mom and the last time I saw her. Thinking about how much of a fuck up I’ve made of my life. Thinking about all the mistakes that I’ve made and scared to death to make another move thinking it will be my next big mistake. Was school a mistake? What as I thinking going back at my age? What kind of mother am I to my children? Am I good enough for them? I don’t know. All I do know is that I want to go fall asleep around 11 and wake up at 6. Every night. I want to be a normal sleeper.

I wonder if I should go to my doctor and tell him. I know he will give me medicine to sleep and I wonder if it will work. Will it have a reverse reaction like over the counter sleeping pills? I don’t know. Will they cause me a full blown panic attack because my body doesn’t seem to like sleeping pills? That’s the thing when you are running on a few hours sleep for days at a time, you stop thinking straight. You feel like you are on the constant verge of a nervous breakdown and nothing makes sense. You stop being yourself. You stop thinking like yourself. You stop being tired. You just stop and become numb.

I just want a good nights sleep.

I. Want. Chocolate. Because yes, chocolate fixes a bad day (and breaking stuff, too)

2010-08-31T20:36:00.001-07:00

Well, today was day two of this semester of school. Ok, technically school started Saturday if you count when they unlocked the online classes, but you don’t care about that right?

Today I was ten minutes late to my first class (I don’t have classes on Monday). Awesome, yes? Not really. I was so embarrassed because naturally the door to the class was in the front of the classroom and not the back. More awesome! I left 40 minutes before I had to be at class and I was still 10 minutes late. So, if my math is correct, that is nearly an hour to get to a place that is literally 15-20 minutes from my house. I don’t know what the hell was going on this morning! Traffic just sucked ass! And this is the same road I drove many a mornings to work. It’s not like this was some mystery route I was taking and oh, my bad for not planning better. I really have no idea what was going on, maybe a construction zone further than I could see? I don’t know. Either way, I was pissed and embarrassed that I was late. On my very fist day of class as a freshman. Not a great way to start the day. Or semester.

Soooo, next up is going to the library to have them buy back one of my books that I didn’t need. Nope. Not gonna happen (after waiting an hour in line!). Again, I don’t know why. The school promotes that they buy back books, but I guess they don’t buy back this book. Ugh. I moved on. “I’ll sell it online or something” I thought.

Then English class, that went well. Until she pulled out the required books for the semester and low and behold, her books don’t match my books nor any other books anyone else had. Apparently the bookstore had a mixed up and gave everyone the wrong book. PERFECT! I get to go BACK to the bookstore. I. Can’t. Wait.

I go back to the bookstore and naturally I can’t find my receipt so they can’t buy back my books OR exchange my books for the correct ones.

At this point in the story, I’m hot and sweaty from the 100 degree heat and humidity that no air conditioning can seem to cool off. I’m tired from standing forever in line. Twice. I’m drained from lack of sleep because hello! I hardly sleep more than a three hours at night. My mind is racing AND mush from all the stuff that has been shoved into my brain to remember over the last few days. I’m just a big ball of mess.

I was so pissed about waiting in line for yet another hour the second time at the bookstore all in one day, that my mind was mush and I didn’t think about asking them to just print me out another receipt and taking it from there (because surely, if Wal Mart can print me out another receipt upon request, this dumbass bookstore can too? Right?). So, I’m back the “selling them online” idea or something similar. I made a firm commitment to myself after today that I will never go back to the school’s bookstore for anything. They suck ass. Helpfulness is not something they were apparently ever trained in.

I tell ya, yes, this is HUGE gift that I’ve been given- going back to school. But it just seems like I’ve jumped through hoops to get into this school, figuring everything out alone. And with the bathroom incident on Friday and today was a just a bummer of a day. I just feel like that I’m outta my league or something. I have this lingering feeling of doubt following me. Maybe it’s just because I’m trying something totally out of my element and it will take some time for me to get my footing and for all of this to feel normal? Maybe I’m not as smart as I once was, I graduated second in class the last time I did this college thing. It seemed much easier then. In my memory, everything seemed to come so easily to me back then. But in today’s world, the first quiz I took yesterday, I got a 70! A 70! Really? Me? Not ok. The second quiz I took, I got an 80. Better, but not great. I’m like a C student right now. *sigh* A ‘C’ student who arrives late to class and has the wrong books. And to top it all off, I look old.

I can’t go back to my job, don’t want to go back. I want this education. I really do. I just want the universe or God or something to send me some sign that I’m doing the right thing, that I’m not crazy for going back to school at this stage in my life. I want some hardcore reassurance that I’m doing the right thing.

And I want a Hershey chocolate bar too.

But this is my “make it better song” that always cheers me up on days like today. What is your “make it better song?”

A funny thing happened on the way to the bathroom

2010-08-28T15:18:00.001-07:00

I had to attended this thing for school on Friday. It was a pre-class class sorta thing. The freshmen enrollment for this class was 1700 students. 1700 of us sitting there in this auditorium. I was surrounded by fresh out high school kids. The girls hair were so shiny and new. Their faces have yet even know what a wrinkle is. They had hot pink finger nail polish on their fake nails and matching toe nails. They wore shorts that were barely there and no cellulite to speak of. I felt like I was Browser from the Super Mario games in a sea of perfect Barbie Dolls. I hadn’t died in my hair a few weeks and the grey roots are making their appearance yet again. *sigh* My skin hasn’t see the glow of youth in I don’t know when and I certainly wasn’t wearing hot pink anything or shorty short shorts. But I still felt kinda sorta ‘just ok’ about myself. I mean I’m not an old hag or anything, right? I listen to Lady Gaga and love Jersey Shore and of course I know what tweeting is. “All that should totally count as me still being totally awesome!” I tried to convince myself.

As I left that morning and took one last look in the mirror, I felt ok about myself. While I know I’m not the prettiest girl in the room and certainly am not going to turn any heads, I didn’t and I don’t think that I look like I should have a starring role as a witch in the next fairy tale movie.

You should know that being old is like one of my biggest fears. I have no idea why. But if I had the money to burn, Dr. 902010 would be on speed dial to keep the “oldness” at bay as much as I could.

So. Here I was, in a sea of perfect 17 years old feeling more insecure than I have felt in a really long time, but I got over myself and tried to enjoy the day.

However, I knew I was out of my league when the professor started talking about Burt Reynolds and I guess she could feel the vibe from the class that her reference was lost on these kids and she asked, “Who in here doesn’t know who Burt Reynolds is?” And nearly everyone raised their hands. And the hands being raised had the same kind of silly band bracelets my own kids wear and trade with their friends at recess (which I think if you are out of elementary school, silly band bracelets should be illegal. Anyone over the age of 10 just looks silly wearing them, in my opinion anyway).

So, at one point I was walking to the bathroom before our pre-class class started up again. Two young ladies were walking next to me. “Oh. God. They probably think I’m old enough to be their mom! They probably think I’m a teacher or something. Please don’t let them ask me something they would ask a teacher like, ‘Where is such-n-such?” Then one of the Barbie Dolls asked if I was a student. “Oh Lord, here it is. She is gonna ask me a teacher type question! Brace yourself! It won’t be that bad. You’ll be ok.”

I replied: “Yep. I’m a student too.”

Perfect Barbie Doll Girl: “Wow! How does it feel to be around all these young kids?”

What I wanted to say: “Listen up, you will be 33 one day too! You will have grey hair. Your youthful glow will disappear when you have kids of your own and you start to worry about something more important than your next tanning session. You will be buying anti-wrinkle cream before you know it and yes, my dear child, life will throw you curve balls and you will not, in fact, have conquered the world and done everything you ever wanted to do by the time you are 33 so step the fuck off!” That is what I wanted to say, but instead I just said, “I don’t like it at all. I feel very out of place.”

Please note that I did, in fact, buy some chocolate last night out of pure depression over her asking me such a question. I think the buying of chocolate last night was totally justified!

So there it is. There it was. These kids do see me as “that old lady over there.” I am no longer hip or cool or socially relevant in this new world. I am just old.

I really wished I had married a plastic surgeon right about now. No offense to my awesome hubby, but I really don’t want to ever be old. I want to be a perfect 17 year old Barbie again. Or at least Stacy’s Mom.

And in case you are wondering –which I totally know you are!- the only person that I met who was older than me was a retired army guy. *sigh* What have I gotten myself into?

Taking applications for a new family

2010-08-26T21:35:00.000-07:00

How do you make it ok in your mind when you are friends with someone who hurt another friend of yours to the core?

I had this friend who was ended up being very mean to me, hurt my feeling to the core when I was already at a very low point in my life and my cousin is now friends with this person on Facebook! It makes me ill to see this bitch of a person leaving cute and funny comments on my cousins Facebook page. It makes me more ill that my cousin ever accepted her friend request in the first place knowing how much this person hurt me in the past.

I see how very little I must mean to my cousin:

This was a message she sent on her birthday in response to all her birthday wishes she received. Um. Hello. I called her and wished her a happy birthday and even bought her a gift card! And went to a BBQ where my cousin promptly ignored me on her birthday. I felt so sick being with my cousin that day and her ignoring me I ended up faking a tummy ache and leaving early.

When I told my cousin that we were thinking of moving, she said, “What makes you think you will feel anymore at home there than you do here?” Well, thanks to her and her befriending people that hurt me very badly and posting Facebook messages about how “my blood is not thicker than her friends water,” how can I possibly feel at home here with her? How am I expected to feel like her family when she does everything to make me NOT feel like family?

I’m sure to most of of you, I’m just being petty. I should get over myself and move on. But my cousin and aunt are the only “family” I have left (except of course my own hubby and kids) and I see how little I mean to them- my aunt never calls me as in NEVER EVER. It hurts. It hurts bad.

I know I was suppose to try funny today, but again, I just can’t. My feelings are hurt and I can’t hide behind funny today.

So, I’m taking applications for a new family. I need brothers, sisters and cousins! It doesn't take much to be accepted, just loyalty and understanding and a kind heart.

Bring on the rain… we will try funny tomorrow

2010-08-25T22:03:00.001-07:00

Ok, so I’m trying to take this blog in a different direction, like a more happy direction. Even though I’m totally on the edge of falling off a cliff and think about killing myself daily because I just have no idea how to walk this earth without my mom. I really don’t. Now before you go calling 1-800- Suicide on me, I will not be pulling a Fantasia Barrino, ya know the American Idol winner who tried killing herself a few days ago. Nope. I won’t kill myself because I have kids and the only thing worse than never hearing my mom tell me that she loves me again, not feeling her warm safe hug, not hearing the phone ring and knowing it will be her, the only thing worst than all that is leaving my kids motherless - on purpose. Having them call someone else, “Mommy” won’t happen on my watch, Lord willing.

Wow. That wasn’t funny at all was it? And see, I’m trying to be more fun. I want this blog to be a place where I can have fun with my depression and just come her and be as nutty as I want. I am depressed. You know this. But we can still have fun with it, right?

And no, OH. MY. GOD! I DO NOT want to talk to someone about this (aka a therapist). I have talked to three of them and nobody gets me. I don’t have the energy at this point in my life to tell my life story yet again. Here is the rundown that I have to go through every time and it’s the same ol’ jibber jabber:

My dad left me and my mom when I was four. I saw him only a few more times. He died a few years ago. Funny how nobody in his family could contact me for like 25+ years, but when he died, they knew how to contact to my mom.
I was molested by my step dad for years because I didn’t know it was wrong and never told my mom. I thought every dad did that with is daughter - that it was normal and I was weird or wrong for not liking it. I thought it was so normal that my own mom knew so there was no need to tell her- she did not know for the record. To this day I hate to be alone in a room with nothing but men, I will surely get a panic attack because I don’t trust men in general. I’ve absolutely 100% trusted three men in my life as in, no anxiety when I am around them. Luckily my hubby is one of those men and my grandpa was one of the other.
My mom married a guy in prison after she divorced my step dad. He spent over 10 years in prison and when he got out when I was in my 20’s, he promptly went back to doing drugs (not that ever stopped in prison) and tired to kill my mom.
My best friend since the 6th grade killed himself when I was in my 20’s.
I married a dickhead who had lots of money, but left me and our kid penniless and I spent many nights going to bed hungry so that my baby could eat and the bills could get paid and I did things I wasn’t proud of to make it all ok for my baby in that period of my life. But survival of the fittest comes into play when you have to provide for your 1 year old baby.
My current hubby and I filed bankruptcy because we got in over our heads because I was dumb. But alas I wasn’t done making stupid money mistakes, our house dream house was foreclosed even after we filed for bankruptcy and now we are renting instead of being homeowners. I love my landlord and couldn’t ask for a better renting experience, I still feel like a failure at 33 and not being a homeowner when I was one, twice! I knew better and still got in over my head.
My my grandpa, my biggest fan, died two years ago. And to say I miss him would be an understatement of the greatness.
My grandma and mom died within a few months of each other this year.
My mom passed suddenly and without notice and I’m pissed about it. I’m pissed nobody caught it earlier. I’m pissed she didn’t go to the doctor when she knew she wasn’t feeling right. I’m pissed the ER let her sit for 17 hours before knowing what was wrong with her.
I am pissed and angry at a lot of things, mistakes that I have made, mistakes that I didn’t make but somehow I have to pay the price for them.
I’m pissed that just two months after my mom’s unexpected death leaving me motherless long before I was ready, my hubby’s plant that he works at is closing and he could possibly be without a job soon just shortly after I quit my own job to go back to school.

And for all that, I find it hard to sympathize with anyone else going through anything else at the moment. Even if some of the above mentioned mistakes are mistakes that I made with my eyes wide open, I am still just all pissed and depressed. AND I don’t want to go blabbing to a therapist about my issues because like I said, I’ve been to three and nobody gets me. I feel all like, “You. Are. A. Dumbass.” when I leave their office. And just like if my hubby decided to leave me this very day, I could not go out dating right now because I just wouldn’t have the emotional energy to invest in anyone at this moment. Well, I don’t have the emotional energy to invest in yet another therapist. I just don’t. So please don’t suggest it and don’t judge me for not going. I’ve got issues. I’m depressed. I know but you, dear readers, are all I’ve got right now. I hope you are up to the challenge.

But none of this was what I wanted to talk to you about today! I had really funny post all ready in my head! Dang it!! All this just kinda came pouring out and I suppose it’s time to stop hiding behind what I’m afraid to tell you and just tell you. So, there is it, up there for you to read and judge and shake your head at me and in the end, lend me your shoulder for support that I need right now. I don’t need money or clothes or stuff. I need you to be my friend. I need you to understand when I forget your birthdays, It’s not you, it’s me right now and I do hope next year I remember to buy you a present. I need you understand that when I don’t text you or email you as much as I know I should and check up on you, I’m probably doing all I can just to get out bed to take care of my own babies and thinking about anyone else other than me and my girls right now is nearly too much to bear some days. I need you to understand I have nearly no support system here in my real life. Everyone has moved on and has way moved past that “She just lost her mom” stage. But I haven’t moved past anything. I still pray every night for this to be a bad dream and “Please God, please God, bring my mom back to me. I promise to go to church more. I promise to volunteer more. I promise to do better with my life. I will do anything, just make this all a bad dream and bring my mom back to me.”

And it is worth noting that my hubby and kids are great. They are the only things keeping me from falling off the cliff. I couldn’t ask for a better inner circle than those three people who are my entire world. They deserve a big fat award or something.

But none of this was funny was it? Crap. Only a few days into my new direction on my blog and I’ve already fucked it up. Great! Now I have to start all over tomorrow to try to be funny with this whole depression thing lingering just right underneath the surface. Sheesh! I hate starting over. It’s just a pain.

Rocking this mom thing. Sorta. Well, it depends on who you ask really.

2010-08-24T18:32:00.001-07:00

I wonder if when I was a child my mom had to tell me to brush my teeth, comb my hair, get my books ready for the next day and all that stuff. I wonder if I just did it, or if my mom had to remind me every. single. night and day like a million times like I do with my own kids?

I have to remind my kids every. single. night and day and they still sometimes forget and they mostly always give the me, “Ugggghhhhhh mmmmmoooooommmm, but I, but I, but I, but I…” It’s so annoying.

Me: Go brush your teeth.

Me: That wasn’t two minutes!

Me: Go brush your teeth again.

Me: Brush your hair.

Me: Is all your stuff ready for school tomorrow? Everything signed that needs to be signed? All homework done? Any notes that I need to read? Clothes and socks picked out? Shoes by the front door?

And still every morning, “Mooooommmmm, I can’t find {insert some must have item- this morning it was a library card}. I can’t find socks! I can’t find my shoes! I can’t find my backpack!” It’s never ending. And just for the record, the backpack, shoes, socks and all that are where THEY put them the night before. I really don’t make this rocket science for them nor do I late at night sneak around the house hiding their items for the next day contrary to what they might think.

One morning I would love to let them sleep as long as they think they need, go to school in their p.j.’s because of course, waking them up is a process. Go to school with messy hair, stinky breath, no {must have item} and see how it works out for them. Then maybe - just maybe - they will see what I’m doing for them by “nagging” them to do this. Do that. Make sure you have this/that/ and everything in between ready is a blessing! I should get mother of the freakin’ year! They really should bow down to me as I enter the room because I take such good care of them. But of course, if I do let them “just do their own thing” they will come home with “Moooommmmm, you let us go to school all yucky and I had nothing for school and it’s all your fault! I hate you! You’ve ruined my life!” And I’m sure the school will call me and be like, “Did you mean to let your kids come to school this way? You know that’s not ok, right?” And that is when I will have to say, “Yes. Yes I did. Do you know what I have to go through every morning?!? Leave me alone. I’m rocking this mother thing. Good. Day!”

Do you remember being nagged by your parents growing up to brush your teeth, brush your hair, and get your stuff ready for the next day?

Do Not Read If You Are Afraid of The Biggest Mistake Ever Made

2010-08-23T23:56:00.001-07:00

So, I’m watching ABC’s the Bachelor Pad. Yes. I know. Don’t hate. I have a hardcore weakness or addiction, whatever for all things reality TV, though I have gotten away from all the VH1 shows. Where are the Rock of Love days of yesterday? Or even Flavor Flav? The VH1 shows of today just aren’t that captivating for me. But I digress.

Tonight during Bachelor pad, I witnessed the “Biggest Mistake of Someone’s Life!” Can you believe that? Seriously! When I heard those words, I sat down quickly and braced myself for what the worst mistake ever made could possibly be so that I would be sure to NEVER EVER make such a mistake and I prayed to God to please not let me have made such a mistake before I even knew what it was.

If you can handle it, please take a look at this video. I shot it with my phone so the quality isn’t great, but hopefully the message comes through clearly.

Yes, you heard that right. She chose love and MADE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF HER LIFE (feel free to listen again if you can handle watching it again, it’s there, I promise!).

Thank God I have never made such a mistake in my life!! And I will surely teach my child that following their hearts for love is the just about the most idiotic thing they can ever do. We all know that love is no where in the equation of happiness, right? Like I tell my children everyday along with “brush your teeth” and “say your prayers” I tell them, “a pretty smile- keep ALL YOUR DENTISTS appointments” (I didn’t when I was younger and now I have to get my teeth cleaned four times a year- YES FOUR TIMES!- to ward off the gum disease that wants to over take my mouth, TMI? Ooops, sorry) – I tell my girls to “get a college degree and no credit card debt and the world will be yours for the taking!” – All mistakes that I have made that I do not want for them to follow because it sucks. However, no where do I tell them to ever follow their hearts for love. AND THANK GOD for that! Obviously I’m doing something right with this parenting gig, Thank. God.

I can go to sleep now knowing that I am part of making the next generation better than the one that came before it. I expect in 40 years everyone reading this blog to send me big fat “thank you” flowers for a job well done once my children are in power of the entire world, nah, make that galaxy! Free Hannah Montana tickets for everyone and absolutely no loving anyone at anytime and if you dare follow your heart for love, may God have mercy on your soul.

What would be your “biggest mistake of your life?” Besides falling in love, of course. Mine? Refinancing my old house. Big fat jumbo I wish I could go back and change just one thing kind of mistake.

Hockeymandad: Challenge Accepted

2010-08-22T23:37:00.001-07:00

Ok, so Friday I posted about my favorite “Teacher turned ghetto kids into something good” type thingy from the book Freedom Writers Diary that I have to read for school.

Shiny, of course, came to my defense because I have a ~~not so~~ secret crush on him and his family and I really want to be next door neighbors with Shiny and family because I can babysit his cutie pie son and have coffee everyday with his lovely wife and we can have weekly family dinners where we sit around and play board games and drink good wine and talk about politics, religion and all that other stuff you aren’t suppose to talk about unless you are in the company of people whom you love and respect and can still laugh until you cry even if you disagree. Wait. I totally went off track didn’t I? This isn’t a “I love Shiny and his family post” even though I totally do! Only I don’t even know if he knows my email address, -- yet. But never mind all that, I know that Shiny and his family would just love me if they ever met me. I just get that kinda vibe. Oh crap, I’ve gotten off track again.

Ok. Sorry about that.

So, my post on Friday. I declared Stand and Deliver the best movie of it’s kind. I was sure I was right. I’m usually always 100% right- if you ask me.

Well, well, well, the as you know this is the year that the universe is hating on me and I hate 2010 with ever ounce of who I am. And this is just one more thing to add to the shit pile of my life. Cue the “why oh why me” music.

So, Hockeymandad did not agree with me and ::gasp:: had another view other than mine! I didn’t even know that there were people out there like that! Wow. Learn something new everyday.

I brushed off his nonsense of “Dead Poet’s Society” as a good “teacher turned kids around” movie because Hello! His opinion was different than mine and I tend not to let that type of clutter fill up my brilliant and always right mind. I have more important things to think about such as, “How can I move next door to Shiny even with that pesky restraining order that was delivered over the weekend?”

Well, what do I find on my TV on Sunday? In some cosmic, “I never even knew this channel existed on TV and how the hell did I wake up from my nap to find this show on?” way, I came across Reelz TV? I guess that is the name of this channel. Have you ever heard of it? I haven’t until Sunday.

They were having a top 10 show on and I LOVE top 10 shows! Top 10 beaches, Top 10 amusement parks, Top 10 bathrooms across America. I love them all! So, this show was “Top 10 Teacher Movies” I was sure that this was it! my Stand and Deliver would be #1 and the world would once again prove just how right I always am!

Only.

Only it didn’t. I know. I know. Brace yourself.

My Stand and Deliver was number 8. EIGHT! Are you kidding me!? This is a joke right? And my hubby’s silly pick of Lean on Me as the best “teacher does good” movie was number 3. THREE! What the H. E. Double Hockey Sticks?

And the number one. The number one was none other than Dead Poet’s Society. Are. You. Kidding. Me!?!? Hockeymandad has clearly bought this unheard of TV channel and has officially become my arch-nemesis. In the words of Barney, “Challenge Accepted, Hockeymandad. Challenge Accepted!” You may have won this time dear sir, but this is not over! I will see you next time when we discuss the best chick flick of all times! I will totally get that one!

Now that I’m sad over being wr… wron… wro.. oh crap, you know what I’m saying, I will listen to the great Barney Stinson yet again and stop being sad and here is how:

Stand and Deliver. The best ever made, right? And I’m 14, not an adult!!

2010-08-19T18:46:00.001-07:00

So, as you may remember, I am going back to school. As part of my going back to school thingy as a freshman (none of the credits from my associates degree transferred over. Awesome! Another post for another day.) So, I am a freshman and as I freshman right out of high school and with no life experience and no time management skills, no concept of how to be an adult seeing as how this is the first time I’m “out on my own” away from mommy and daddy, I have to take a class that will instruct me how to have time management, how to “be an adult” and how to handle “adult stuff” whatever that means. Oh! And how to do my homework as well.

Wait. I’m 33, right? Doesn’t that in and of itself qualify me as an adult? I have had held numerous full time jobs, I have a hubby and two kids of mine own that are in school as well with homework and all that yucky time management stuff that we as adults have to kinda have to be, well, an adult. And more importantly, I know I how to operate my checkbook. I am an adult. Unfortunately. I hate saying that word, “adult”. Really. I am still just a silly lazy 14 year old girl who loves her Project Runway and Jersey Shore and loves Ke$ha and Lady Gaga. But, for all the reasons I have to take this freshman class, I am an adult. *le sigh* “Easy A” I told myself when I was forced to take this class.

But for this class I have to read the book, The Freedom Writers Diary. Already this college thing is pissing me off. This book sucks! I could see if I was freshly out of high school how A) this class would be awesome and B) this book would be relatable, but I am neither straight of high school nor can I relate to this boring ass book! This book, it was a movie that you may have seen with Hillary Swank- I have not seen the movie because my distaste for Hillary Swank is almost as much as my distaste for the people who oppose people to worship freely in this country. This book. Think Stand and Deliver, the movie. Think Lean On Me, the movie. Think Dangerous Minds, the movie. I am not sure if any those movies started off as a book like the Freedom Writers book. This book is all about reject kids and their awesome white woman teacher who is bound and determined to get through to them and make a difference in their horrible ghetto lives and show them a world outside of their gang infested neighborhood. While the message is awesome and wanting to be a teacher myself, I hope I can get through to my students just 1% like this teacher did, this book is not for me. I read it and I’m bored, but I have to write an essay at some point about this book. I have to read the book before classes start and the author is coming to speak at our school, so it’s kinda a big deal to read the book. And I’m impressed the author/ teacher to these kids is coming to our school, that is pretty cool! But this book is boring. But readable, I suppose.

Me and my hubby were discussing this topic and I think the reason I don’t like the book is A) my dislike for Hillary Swank (see above paragraph) and all I can see when I read this book is her and her role in Boys Don’t Cry, which I liked by the way, I just don’t like her. Probably because she wasn’t a good fit when she was in Beverly Hills 90210 the original series and B) Stand and Deliver is the end all be all to “teacher turning reject kids around” in my book. I love that movie, Stand and Deliver, and no other movie of it’s kind has come close to Stand and Deliver in my opinion. My hubby disagrees with me. He thinks Lean on Me, the movie, is the best of it’s kind. Um. No. Stand and Deliver is the original in my book, the best made of its kind.

So, what say you? What is your favorite “teacher turning rejects into the best people on earth” movie? And you guys totally agree with me about Stand and Deliver over Lean on Me, right?

(Sorry for not linking to any book or movie in this post and just assuming you know the books and movies that I refer to in this post. But my contacts were upsetting my left eye and I can’t hardly see right now. And it’s annoying me greatly and I just need to get off the computer soon. So if there are more misspellings than usual in this post, you know why.)

The Wrong Size and the Piss Poor Dog Owner

2010-08-18T22:22:00.001-07:00

Well, I did it. I downloaded the Couch to 5K app on my phone and I went running/walking today. I figure if I can’t do laundry or anything else I need to do, I can at least try this and blame being “so sore” and my fondness of just.being.still on “Well, I ran today! I win! And I don’t have to do anything else for the day!”. We will see if it works. I’ll let you know.

So, today. I was nearly, well what you might consider nearly home. I think I was more like a thousand miles from home at the end of my Week 1/ Day 1 of the Couch to 5K. I thought I was gonna die on the last little bit walking home. Really. I did. No lie!

I was thirsty, I felt faint, I just knew that my legs were not going to carry me home. I could see my house, it was just so close, yet so far far far away. I thought, “If I fall out on my street, how freaking embarrassing would that be?!!? How long till my hubby finds me? Would he know to come look for me? He has NO IDEA how long this thing is suppose to take!”

But let me back up.

Just to be clear, the couch to 5k, you walk a little bit then run a little bit. At least that is where I’m at in the program. I’m sure by the end of this thing (9 weeks) I will have to run for like five hours straight. I haven’t done much research on this program. But that is all just so you understand the rest of this post.

I started my run/walk with my dog, Laci. You see, she must have sensed that I was going to do something special because she started wagging her tail and jumping around the cute little way that she thinks that she can jump when she saw me putting on my shoes. She is a medium size dog and thinks she can jump, but has no jumping legs. It’s really quiet (or is quite, quit? I never know because I can’t spell. Don’t hate!) cute watching her “jump” because she just can’t. But I’ve gotten off track.

The dog. She knew.

So, I put her leash on her and off we went. Of course, as always, she has to poop in someone else’s yard. So embarrassing especially because I’m a piss poor dog owner and of course don’t have a pooper scooper thingy and so I have to act as if I just don’t see what she is doing and hoping the home owner doesn’t come out with guns blazing and yelling at me, “Get that fucking dog off my lawn! And if she ever poops again on my lawn, I’m gonna kill her!” Now, even before I had a dog, I never cared about dog poop in my yard because I think as part of living in a neighbor is having to deal with dog owners walking their dog, but I do understand that I’m in the minority on that one. So, the dog poops. I knew it was going to go downhill from there.

She, of course, gets out of her collar and off her leash. *sigh* I don’t even try to catch her because if you have ever tried to catch a dog that is “free” you just can’t. I knew she would make it home just fine. But again, I was worried about the homeowner that saw me not chasing after my dog and coming out with a gun and yelling and shooting at me for being such a piss poor dog owner. Luckily nobody saw me. Or Laci. Or at least nobody came out yelling at me or shooting at me or my doggie. On this day anyway. I wonder if I can get by with it many more times? But there I was, holding Laci’s dog leash, but no dog. Good times.

But the best part of the whole walk/run experience besides looking like a crazy person that would run a little bit and then walk all the while holding a dog collar and leash with no dog. My panties. Yep. My panties. They are well, too big. I bought the wrong size and I had to pay the price. They kept falling down! I was wearing yoga type pants, that come past my knees, they are actually cute in my opinion. But never mind that. The panties. They were falling. It was so uncomfortable! But what could I do? I couldn’t reach down my pants and pull up my panties! I mean, I can let my dog poop and run around willy nilly, but putting my hands down my pants. In public? Is going over a bridge too far for my liking.

So, here I was alternating from running to walking and my panties are like too my knees! And to top it all off, I really thought I was gonna fall out on my street and pass out! Imagine if I had passed out and in some crazy scenario had to be picked up by an ambulance and they had to take my pants off and saw what was going on with my panties and wonder why I’m holding a dog’s collar and leash and no dog. Ten times more embarrassing, eh? Thank goodness I made it home safe and sound and my doggie was waiting for me in the front lawn, wagging her tail, “jumping” when she saw me. But, let this be a lesson to all of you, pay attention when buying panties in a package from Wal Mart, don’t just assume that the label on the tabby thing is correct, read the package. And with that, you’re welcome!

PS- can you remind me next time I’m at Wal Mart buying correct panties, to buy a pooper scooper thingy.

Just. Being. Still.

2010-08-17T14:36:00.001-07:00

My kids are in school- all day long. That leaves me home alone, all day long. I enjoy the quiet, the stillness, the sounds of nothing. I don’t long to go outside and play with friends of my own. I don’t crave to escape these four walls, nope. I’m happy just sitting here and waiting for my girls happy return home when they tell me all about their day and the house if filled with their sounds, the sounds that I crave, the sounds that I long for, the sounds that I miss about an hour after they have left for the day.

I am anxious to see how my days play out once I start school myself by month’s end. I know my days will then be filled with studying, homework and all that other stuff and I will find my routine at that time, I hope.

But for now, when there is nothing. I just sit here. I should be cleaning the house the way I always wanted it cleaned when I worked but didn’t have time. I should do all the laundry instead of letting it pile up like I did when I was working and could use work as the perfect excuse. I should start the couch to 5K that I really have a calling to do even though I hate running and have no idea why I have such a yearning to do the couch to 5K, but I do. I should be doing all kinds of things that I said I would do, but I can’t get off my couch to do anything. Everything sits and waits and remains still while my girls are at school, me included. Me especially.

I want to do so much, but I can’t make my body move. I can’t make my hands pick up the clothes off the bathroom floor. I can’t make my back bend enough to clean out the fridge of the fruit that is on the verge of turning bad. I can’t use my fingers to use the dust spray to wipe down the tables. I just sit here. Still.

Am I depressed? I think so. But, it’s not the kind of depression that I’m used to feeling though. I’m used to fighting something mentally during my depression spouts, this time, I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to move. I don’t want to do anything. But mentally, I want to do EVERYTHING! I want to be the perfect stay at home mom (slash) college student ever because I know I can be! I know in my soul this is what I should be doing, being the perfect stay at home mom (slash) college student, but yet my body hasn’t gotten the message. My body is just still. Nothing. Quiet. Motionless. Much like my oldest bike in the front yard waiting for her quick return to put it in motion.

Better than hopeless

2010-08-15T23:01:00.001-07:00

As you know me and the hubby have been in talks about moving. Moving out of this town that does not get me at. all. Moving out of this town that I seemly have outgrown in the last few months. Moving out of this town that no longer holds the happy memories of my youth, but now just the place where I’ve lost everything I’ve loved from the moment I took my first breath.

This Wednesday the hubby will be talking to a rep from his work about relocating to another plant within the company. When my hubby told me this, fear came over my whole body. “Wait. Are you saying we could actually move? Like really?” “Yes” he replied.

Um. Ok. Wow. Could we? Is it possible? I don’t know as I sit here what will happen. The fact that moving could really happen and not just be words on my computer or words that me and the hubby speak to one another while laying in bed talking about everything under the sun from moving and where would we go to what to have for dinner this week.

I am fearful, but excited. I want to move. I need to move. I am scared to move. I mean I am just starting back to college, how does that even work? Transferring schools? Surely it’s easy, it happens everyday, right? My kids, will they love it or hate it? What if I take them from the only family they have left and they hate me for it? What if this totally backfires on me and me and the hubby and family are worse for wear for doing this? Yet, I’m excited for the possibility it holds.

I want to move. I hate this town. I don’t want to wait until I’m done with school to move, though we may have to if the hubby finds some awesome job here and/or no jobs from “the outside” come our way.

So, anyway. Another rambling post, I know. Mixed with contradictions and much ado about nothing.

But, I love being full of this type of fear and excitement all rolled into one. It sure beats feeling hopeless.

It’s not all bad, really it isn’t. At least when you’ve been drinking!

2010-08-10T21:51:00.001-07:00

My friend who I met at ConFab, Baby last year, wrote a post “Bad Is Not So Bad.” And she, my dear readers, is totally and 100% right!

This year has sucked much more than the others in my life as far as bad news and heartbreak. BUT, the good news, I haven’t lost my faith. I haven’t lost my hubby or my kids- those three people are my total and complete world. I still have my cat that I’ve had since 1998, she is like my pet soul mate and I’m not even a cat person, but she has grown on me in the last 12 years. I love my cat more than I love some people that I call family. I have my doggie that can make me laugh more than most humans. She is always doing something crazy and rolling around and the best, squeaky toys! I love watching her being amazed by the squeak and the “what the hell was that?!?! Where is it coming from?!” thingy that her ears do when her toys squeak.

I have some pretty amazing online friends that keep me from totally falling off the edge.

And mostly, I have faith that things will be ok. I don’t know if it’s just the prospect of “Well, if the hubby doesn’t find a local job, where do you want to go? We could move anywhere in America we want!” It’s such a feeling of freedom and excitement.

Now, before I put my hair up in Polly-Anna ponytails and start singing, “The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Music” yes, I’m scared and yes I want my mom and yes I want the world that I had a year ago in my hands. But at the same time, I know that things will be ok. We aren’t homeless and probably won’t be homeless because I have a wonderful mother-in-law who will let us live with her- RENT FREE! And while our city is going down the shit tube, not every city out there is and the hubby can totally find a job somewhere else in America and he is totally open to the idea to move and not just to Boston. Actually, he is really liking this other town that has a lot of prospect for employment, but I’m keeping that location top secret for now. But let me just say, we might become Cheese Heads. Or I might become one. My hubby won’t jump ship from New England teams. Ever.

So, yes, this is scary. And while this year ahead of us might be one of the roughest yet, I am confident that we will come out the other end just fine and probably better than we were a year ago and most certainly better than we are today.

And with that, time to get another drink to keep this happy feeling going …. I’m gonna have such a headache tomorrow!

Things I Want To Talk About and the Things I AM Talking About…

2010-08-09T18:21:00.001-07:00

This is a post that should be talking about my babies first day back to school with pictures and everything mushy that mom’s say about their kids during these milestone moments. And I want to tell you about how bittersweet it was because this was the first year ever that I was able to take my kids to school but yet, my mom was always the one with them on the first day of school. I’ve always worked and sadly, this was the first and will be the last time I get to take my oldest to school as she is in the 5th grade now and next year, middle school. No parents on first day allowed at middle school! Totally uncool!!

It should be a post about how one of the people I like love most in this world had a birthday and as most BFF’s do, I should be writing a mushy post about her and how much better the world is because she is in it.

I want to write about today and how I registered for classes and am 100% officially a college student and at the end of this process, I will have collected two degrees because I am that awesome.

I so badly want to bitch about this fucking weather and how hot it is! Is it hot in your area as well? I can’t stand it here! And the news keeps saying, “No break in this heat.” And even had the nerve to say that, “It’s gonna be a warm fall as well.” I wanted to punch my TV. And I really want to punch the weather lady. Badly. But I know that won’t fix this ungodly hot weather. I just want to do something to say, “Well, I tried.”

I want to get all mushy again and tell you how badly I want my mom here and how she would make me feel a thousand times better and reassure me that the Hubby will find another job soon and worse case, “We will just move in with her!” That was always her answer.

And naturally I want to brag that an interview that I gave made the front page of my local paper!

But I can’t tell you about all that right now, maybe later this year I will get to everything I wanted to tell you about this week.

For right now though, I just want to work until I can’t work anymore to get 700 jobs posted for 700 people before the doors close and tell you how pissed I am about a message from a friend saying, “Be careful. Don’t burn your bridges.” Um. Excuse me? Have I trashed talked my hubby’s company on his Facebook page and mine own? Maybe? But then turning that negative into a positive by trying to get these folks jobs, I would think would outweigh any “donkey ball” talk I may or may not have said under distress. I guess we will see when as my friend put it, “I or my husband may need a job from one of these people one day.” Just gonna say, “Donkey Balls” one more time and not in reference to anyone or anything, but I think you guys totally get who I want to suck on donkey balls right now (times two!) And I know, I know, not very Christian like. I know. But I think God understands, don’t you? Even he has to have an off day every once in a while, right?

I am trying to keep my sense of humor intact and not let this news and my need to get 700 jobs posted for 700 people overtake my life because, well, it’s a very lofty goal and if we don’t get outside help, as in CNN calling me or a spot on the Today show between 7 and 7:20, because after that time slot, the Today show starts to go down hill –fast, I worry that I can’t get all these people new and better jobs than the one being taken from them.

Well, time to put on the “mom hat” and put my kids to bed, putting on a smile and not letting them know anything more than, “Daddy is going to get an EVER BETTER JOB! YAY!” all the while, my heart is with the 700 families in my town that are filled with the same worry that I am feeling right now.

Plan B: The Great American/Canada Tour. Maybe? (aka Probably)

2010-08-06T19:40:00.001-07:00

So, most you follow me on Facebook already know what today’s topic is going to be about.

My hubby is losing his job.

The plant he works at is shutting down by November and they are starting lay-offs, err I mean letting people go jobless, starting next month. My hubby will most likely be in that group next month. Most people at his work have been there for years upon years upon years, starting there when they were 18 and right out of high school. It’s not uncommon to hear, “yeah, this is my 17th or 18+ year here.” But that is all going to come to an end in the coming weeks. For 700 people in my town and for 2,200 people from the five plants this company is shutting down across America. 2,200 people all thinking the same thing right now, “Oh shit!” and I’m sure many “Fucks” were said as well (followed by you).

At my last place of employment, they employed about 2 thousand people. I can’t imagine putting 2 thousand people out of work. I can literally picture a face for all 2 thousand people. Just think about the last time you went to the movies, think that all of those people who crowded the theater without jobs. That probably gives you a good idea.

It’s very sad. But not totally unexpected. I have been telling my hubby that the printing business is a dying breed (he works for a printing company in case you couldn’t put A & B together. You’re welcome). Plus, I watch enough 20/20, Nightline, Dateline to know that CEO’s and other head honcho's don’t care about much else other than the bottom line. I could feel this coming in my bones (even though my hubby’s plant has the highest rating in the company before they were bought out last month by Quad Graphics). I have been pushing my hubby to look for another job for about a year now, constantly being told, “Ugh.” Ok, maybe he didn’t really say, “Ugh” to me, but still, I knew my advice was falling on deaf ears. But it doesn’t matter now. Telling my hubby, ‘See! See! I was right! Gotcha! Ha. Ha. Ha.” just doesn’t seem very supportive and I’m sure it’s against the wife handbook/contract that I signed before getting married. And this isn’t the time I need to be carted off to wife jail.

Am I worried? Hell to the yes! I am very worried. It’s hard out there for a pimp right now. What I don’t want to be told is, “This could be a huge blessing” bullcrap. No thank you, not today. God and I have our own relationship and he knows exactly how I feel and I told him just this morning, “I have faith that you will carry us through this.” Yes, he and I talk every morning while I take my shower and I tell him exactly how I feel. He knows and he gets it. I am worried, but I do have faith. It’s hard to convince your brain, “Don’t worry” when you have kids to feed and bills to pay and all your safety nets have died within two years. Yeah, it kinds sucks donkey balls. However, there is Bible verse that says something like, “I care enough about the birds so that the birds don’t worry about their next meal, what makes you think I would care about you any less than I care about the birds?” I like that. But again, it’s hard for the human brain to not worry. Or is just mine?

With that said----

* I interrupt this blog post for a PSA announcement. *

Please, don’t do this: I don’t want to hear it right now. I know, I know, they are trying to be helpful and what they are saying is true, but still. I and God have our own thing going and I want the humans to actually help as in, don’t just tell send me messages about God and plans and blessings wrapped in strange ways. I want those people to send me leads on jobs or say, “I’m praying FOR YOU.” Something useful, not some fortune cookie mumbo jumbo about “Great things are ahead in your near future. And your lucky lottery numbers are 10, 2, 29, 59.”

Kim from Live from the 205 sums it up perfectly!

But I have some back up plans in place and I hope you guys don’t mind that you are involved in my plans should the job hunt for hubby should not be as fruitful as we are hoping.

It involves “touring” America and possible Canada.

We can live with my mother in law and my hubby has family in the Boston area (so we might make our move to Boston a wee bit sooner than planned). That would be nice - but only for so long. I would rather, for long term, live with someone is my age bracket. So, our first stop is Kim in Alabama. She has a big beautiful house that we could help feel up with the ~~fighting and yelling and never going to sleep on time~~ love and laughter that only kids can bring. The up next would be Becky’s house. I figure we could crash there for a few months before we outstay our welcome. Then Shelia (I can babysit for her and my hubby can be her bodyguard is she ever feels the need that she needs one), then Talina (again, pulling the babysitter card). Up next would be Shiny, I can’t use the babysitter card because I think his son is probably about 10 times smarter than me (aka his son IS smarter than a 5th grader whereas I am not.) and his son would probably end up babysitting me! But Shiny is Jewish, so I figure that exposing the girls to a new religion would be an awesome thing. If we are going to take this impromptu tour of America, we should expose my girls to all new and exciting things, show them what this great land ~~not all all corporate douchebags bottom line hungry assholes~~ has to offer. And then finally, jump the border and go live with LeSombre and family. By then we will probably need to see a doctor for a check up and such (because we won’t have had health insurance this entire time!) and his wonderful country has free health coverage. Though I might have to renounce my American citizenship? Small price to pay for health coverage if you ask me though. I can visit the states anytime, I can’t get free health coverage just any day of the week.

So, that is my plan B. What do you guys think? I hope you don’t mind because you really can’t back out now. It’s too late in the game and yes, I write this post with 60% sarcasm and about 40% realism.

And PS- if you are reading this and I didn’t include you in my great American/ Canada Tour and would like to be included, just let me know! The more places to visit and people to meet, the merrier! It’s a total win-win for us all! Again, 60% sarcasm and about 40% realism. Really.

“I don’t know what to say” can say so much.

2010-08-04T20:56:00.001-07:00

Since I have been doing the Stay At Home Mom thing for a little while now, I have, naturally, watched a few Oprah shows. I don’t particularly like her, but she is one heck of an interviewer. She asks many of the same questions that I would ask, but more times than not, she gets on my nerves and I have to change the channel.

But.

She said something the other day and I really liked it.

Let me back up, she said one thing long ago that I really liked, “When people show you who they really are, believe them.” If someone cheats on you, they are showing you that they will and can cheat on you/ If someone lies to you, they are showing you that they can and will be liar. If someone is abusive towards you, they are showing you that can and will hurt you. So, if they do it again, don’t be surprised. I think it’s just another version of “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” You get the idea, I’m sure.

I agree with that, to some degree anyway. I think people can, do and will change. Always. We are constantly reinventing ourselves, constantly growing, and learning, teaching others new things about us and our lives, we are all a work in process- all the time -and mistakes are bound to be made and I don’t think one mistake should make or break a person or a relationship. Unless it’s murder. That one is hard to come back from I would think?

But absolutely none of that is the point of this post. Oprah said that one of the biggest mistakes people make when they don’t know what to say is to just say nothing. Nothing at all. You want to say something in those moments in time when something should be said, but you don’t know what to say so you just simply say nothing. I am so so so guilty of that. The great, wise and wonderful and all knowing Oprah says that “if you can’t think of anything to say, or don’t know what to say, just say, ‘I don’t know what to say.’” I agree with that.

During this time in my life, a lot of people have backed off from me. I can only assume that I’m either A) putting off some “leave me alone!” vibe or B) people don’t know what to say to me after what happened with my mom. Or maybe C) I am somehow bad luck and the dead mom thing could be contagious. I don’t know what the deal is. I just see how people treat me differently now. Some people anyway. Some people just are just flat out ignoring me while some people have been great even if they don’t know what to say, I totally get that. I don’t know what to say most of the time and the things I do say seem to come out totally wrong. I feel like I am constantly putting my foot in my mouth! But at least I’m trying, right? That should count for something, eh?

So back to the Oprah thing, if you don’t know what to say to someone going through a hard time or if you are in a moment when something really should be said but nothing - yet everything - comes to mind, just be honest and tell that person, “I don’t know what to say.” At least that person will know that you are thinking of them, trying, reaching out, doing something other than just pushing them to the side. We all have been pushed to the side, right? (i.e. when you are having a wonderful conversation with someone and the other line beeps, you are confident that the person will come back to you and you will get to finish your great conversation and nope! They click over only to ask, “Can I call you back?” Not knowing how important the other call is, you probably felt slighted/ pushed to the side at some point or is it just me?)

Feeling that you are just “being pushed to the side” isn’t a great feeling. Ever. Feeling second best isn’t a good feeling. Ever. So if you can’t think of anything to say, just say, “I don’t know what to say.” At least you are doing your part to keep the lines of communication open. And that is more important than saying the perfect thing at the perfect time in the perfect tone wearing the perfect outfit and perfect shoes with the perfect song playing in the background ala The Hills.

When someone is hurting and shows you they are hurting, reach out. Say something, anything. Anything is better than nothing because the nothing, yeah, that kinda sucks ass. Major ass. Trust me, I know. More people have just simply said nothing over these last few months and now they might feel it’s too late to say, “I’m sorry for what happened to your mom and family and…. I don’t know what else to say.” It’s not too late ever, to say that kind of thing.

Did I ramble on and on again? Not making much sense again? I guess you guys will have to just bare with me over the next few months until I get my head straighten out. Wait. Maybe I shouldn’t limit myself to just a few months, it might take a long while to get things right again.

Misery Speak ala Jennifer’s Body

2010-08-03T22:39:00.001-07:00

I told my cousin about our possible move to the north after I get done with school. Her words, “What in the world makes you think that you will feel more at home there than here?” I replied, “I can’t put it into words, yet I could go on and on for two hours about the why.” And then we quickly got off the phone because we both could feel that neither one of us was going to give.

She doesn’t get it and I get that. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her, “Well, cuz, since my mom passed, you really haven’t done much to include me in your family and I feel more alone than ever because you don’t include me in anything that you do, maybe my husband’s side of the family can give me what I’m lacking and missing from my own family.” But that would just hurt her feelings and there is no need for that. There is a time and place to pick your battles and this just isn’t one of those moments in time for me and her.

I know it sounds crazy. Absolutely and 100% crazy and of course the “her mom just passed, so let’s just let her go on about some crazy move” card can be played.

And maybe everyone is right or well, at least my cousin anyway. I think the rest of you are way more supportive than she can be. It hurts though, I was looking for her to say “I understand” but knowing that was was just wishful thinking.

If we do move, I will miss my mom’s boyfriend’s family. They have been great and really stepped up to the plate. I love them all dearly and I think that my mom left me in good hands with them. But I love the idea of being with my husband’s family. His family, the ones that I have met and emailed with are awesome. He has an Aunt Lee, my mom’s name was Lee! She reminds me a lot of my mom and maybe it’s just her that I’m looking to run to? Who knows?

You see, my dad, as in my real dad, left me and my mom when I two. They officially divorced when I was four, but my mom left Germany and left my dad behind when I was two. I guess they tried to work it out when I was around three-ish as he moved back to the states (to the town that live in now), but it wasn’t meant to be. I found out that he passed away like four or five years ago. I have no parents living. My cousin still has both of her parents living. She can’t get what an alone feeling that can be. Even though I’m 33, I feel like an orphan or something like that. I shouldn’t, I know. I am more than able to take care of myself and it’s not my parents died when I was a little girl. But this alone feeling, it sucks ass and yes, I’m trying to reach out to something, somebody, anybody to help feel the void.

My bestest friend ever in life since I was in the 6th grade killed himself six years ago. I have never gotten over that void, not. even. close. Like I probably should see somebody about that because it’s just so hard not having him anymore. I miss him so very much. And it’s not like the “I would leave my hubby for him” kinda thing in case you were wondering that. Nope. He and I were just friends. The bestest of friends for many years. He saw me through, well everything from puberty, to my first crush, then first love, to my step dad hurting me, leaving me and my mom, my marriage that feel apart, just to name a few things. He left New York and his life there to come be with me when I was falling apart. Friends like that don’t come along too often.

My grandpa, aka my hero and the one that hung the moon and stars in my eyes died two years ago.

And now my mom.

Yes. I feel alone. I mean, I don’t feel alone when I have my kids and hubby. I feel very much loved by all of them. But it’s like part of my heart is empty and just waiting to be filled up by someone loving me again like the three people, my bestest friend, my grandpa and my mom. Yes, I know, my hubby should be all of that and more for me and he is! However, yes, the however portion of this sentence, I miss having that extra someone special that could see me for who I really am and give me “~~Misery~~{My real name} Speak” advice. Side note: have you seen Jennifer’s Body? In it the blonde girl says, “In Jennifer speak that means…” I need someone to talk to me in ~~Misery~~ {My real name} Speak. And I love that move, Jennifer’s Body, btw.

Ok, rambling again aren’t I? Not making much sense, I know. I should just turn off my computer now and go to sleep and maybe tomorrow type a coherent post, eh?

Organic Blog Writing Must Be The New Commercial Blog Writing.

2010-08-02T23:31:00.001-07:00

When I first started blogging years ago, I only read a handful of bloggers. Blogging was just starting to become mainstream, Twitter wasn’t even heard of and MySpace was more popular than Facebook. It was a long time ago it seems.

I am not sure if it’s all the Blogher talk going around the interwebs this week or if I’m just old and bitter and jealous. But I remember when blogging was more… more, what is the word that best describes what I’m that I’m trying to say… organic? Yeah, organic seems perfect!

Don’t get me wrong, I am happy that blogs that I once read with hardly any comments have grown in to full fledge powerhouses on the web. I think it’s pretty cool actually. And I’ve never been one to criticize another for making money from his/her blog via sponsors, commercials, ads and whatnots and everything in between. If you can make money by blogging, I think it’s pretty cool. They always say, “Find something you love to do and make money at it and you will never have to work a day in your life” right?

But I have been seeing more and more of “Lookie what I got!” or “Lookie at my sponsor who is sending me here and there and it’s awesome!” And reading about “SWAG!” It’s like what was once reading someone’s inter most personal thoughts have turned into trying to convince me to buy something OR by just clicking here I’m making the author of the blog money. It just doesn’t seem as real as it once was.

Of course, I can click the red X anytime and nobody is forcing me to read commercials disguised as blog posts, but I go back time to time to the blogs that once really struck a cord with me to find that feeling again that I felt when I read them long ago, that feeling of “Hey, I’m not the only one. Wow.” I enjoyed reading about the good days, the bad days because I too have good days and bad days. I enjoyed reading about troubles at work/husbands/friends and the triumphs of promotions/date nights/ friends connecting. Now, mixed in with the relatable posts, I am reading about “Lookie at what I got for going to Blogher (or whatever big thing coming up)” or “Please click on my sponsor’s link!”

And no I’m not jealous of those going to Blogher, Blogher is just the “next thing” that I’m using as an example. If it isn’t Blogher, it’s something else. I am glad for those going to Blogher (and the next event) and enjoy reading recaps and seeing pictures of people…. but I want read the feelings, not about the swag that you kinda have to write about because you have a sponsor. I mean if you really like something, like I LOVE my bounce dryer thingy that sticks to the inside of my dryer and makes my clothes smell yummy! But I can tell you about my bounce dryer thingy and my feelings about it because I honestly love it, not because Bounce is paying my way to some fancy shindig or giving me a lifetime supply of the bounce dryer thingies that I love. Does that make sense? It just seems that more and more bloggers that I once loved and could totally relate to, are now shoving bounce dryer thingies that they don’t even use or own! down my throat all in the name of money and freebies. And it makes me sad. I want to go back to the days when I felt like I was reading personal diaries that were sometimes funny, sometimes sad and sometimes mundane, are now just …. commercials. More and more and more and more seem to be turning to the dark side and more often.

I’m starting to ramble now and and I am aware that I’ve contradicted myself more than once in this post AND I’m sure I’ve pissed off a few people and for that, I’m sorry. The readers of this blog have stuck with me through a lot of stuff and I know each of you beyond this blog and I hope you know I’m not speaking about any of you, but yes, some of your nearest and dearest friends might just be what I consider commercial bloggers now instead of personal bloggers that they once were. But like I said, I still go back from time to time and peak in on those once cherished blogs to see if I am once again “not alone.” But I find more and more that I’m am, in fact, “alone.” And it’s so damn hard to find a blog that isn’t mostly peppered with commercials and ads and sponsored posts and the most annoying, when I click on the blog to leave a comment, A FREAKING POP UP AD TO ‘Click here!’ or the first thing I see is an ad before I even see the blog itself. Maybe I’m just not looking hard enough? But I’m on a mission to find another handful of real-to-life personal “organic” blogs* to replace the now commercial blogs that are filling up my feedreader. Wish me luck!

*There are four people that I used to LOVE reading that haven’t posted in a long, long time. I hope you four go back to writing because I miss you four oodles and oodles.

My town brought the funny this week!! And I am pretty sure that I am famous now

2010-08-01T22:59:00.001-07:00

As I have said before, to know me is to know a lot… two more things about me, I get most of my news from: E! News, Chelsea Lately, Nightline, Dateline & 20/20- aside from reading my weekly Life & Style and my local paper online - at least the front page to see there is anything good worth reading. And I sometimes catch the local news, but not often. So, it goes to say that I know much more about the “outside world” (i.e. what is happening in the Gulf with the oil spill) and what Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian wore last night than I know what is going on in my own town. Sad but true.

Apparently last week, some football person famous in the 80’s died and he was from our town. I had no clue but all my local peeps on Facebook were upset.

But this isn’t what I want to share with you today. Oh no! It gets better and way more funnier! My town, well, not really MY town, but Nashville (outside of my town) made… wait for it…..

Made it on The Soup! We have a remarkable idiot running for for governor and it was not lost on the almighty Mr. Joel McHale.

Here is the link to the clip from our local NBC news affiliate and if you can understand half of what he is saying, you are doing better than me! He does start out changing his last name to dot.com. Really he does! And does he want to murder everyone?

And lastly, but not as funny or as great as being on The Soup, my town, not Nashville, made Nightline on Friday night (the same night The Soup premiers!) It was almost to stand for one day.

We made it on Nightline for some extreme FIGHTING church, yes a fighting church! that we have in our town. The funny part is that this church was a non-profit sponsor for one of our events at the place I used to work and at that time *I* was in charge of the non-profits, but I figured since it was a church, it was just a church trying to be cool by using the X instead of the E for extreme. It wasn’t! Nope. It is a FIGHTING church. In my town. *le sigh* ~~I’m so proud.~~ But I guess if it brings people to God, I can’t wholeheartedly complain, right?

Here is the link of the clip that was on Nightline Friday night and all I can think of when he says, “Jesus would think this is cool if he walked into a bar” is the scene from Sweet Home Alabama “You have a baby. In a bar!” I would be all like, “You have Jesus. In a bar!”

Oh. Em. Gee! So in some indirect soap opera way, *I* made it on Nightline! And apparently I need to read more than just the fron it page/headlines in my local paper.

Things I think I do right. Kinda right.

2010-07-28T21:48:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we visited the topic of things that I do wrong. Today lets talk about the things that I do right.

As much as my kids get to just be kids and I let them stay up late and sleep in, I tell them daily how much I love them. I ask a thousand times a day, “how much are you worth?” And the only correct response is “priceless.” They say it now with that “Mom, please stop asking me that dumb question” tone. I take that to mean that I’m doing my job right.

I won’t let them pass through to the kitchen (the couch that I sit on is on the way to the kitchen) without paying “the toll.” The toll is a kiss and then I say, “Oops, you gave me too much! I gotta give you your change.” Which the change is another kiss from me.

I tell them daily how lucky that I am to be their mom and no matter what, I’m on their side and nothing they ever could do could make me love them any less. I think that is standard mom stuff all moms tell their kids, but I know it’s one thing that I’m doing right.

I don’t purposely lie to my kids. If they ask “Can we go here, go there?” And I’m just not feeling up to it, I say so. I don’t put them off with a lie saying, “Maybe tomorrow” if I know for a fact that I will not ever feel like going to such-n-such place again, I just tell them.

I am honest with them about how much money we have as in “no I can’t afford that.” They don’t know the balance of my checking account or anything, but they know when we just simply can’t afford something. Again, standard mom stuff I’m sure, but I try to never lie to my kids. I am honest with them as I expect them to be with me.

Since I’ve been doing this staying at home mom thing, we have been baking a lot of homemade stuff like bread, applesauce, etc. It’s all pretty basic and simple things, but the kids look forward to it and it makes me feel good knowing exactly what I feeding them, that I made something from nothing to put in their little growing bodies. We went to Wal Mart and bought all new vegetables that they have never ate before and we have been eating them. Some have been a hit (yellow squash) while others haven’t (spinach). But we are trying to do new and different things and I am loving sharing these experiences with my kids.

As a wife, I don’t try to change my hubby. I knew what I was getting when I married him and he is still pretty much the same guy as he was then. Though he did lose the haircut he had when we married. Thank God! But it wasn’t me that made him do so. He just came home one day with a more current haircut and I was so thankful! I do try to make him eat better nowadays and make him take a multivitamin because I want him to be as healthy as he can be so he can stay around for a really super long time. But I think that is just kind of being a grown up and not a nagging wife. I still can’t get him to use a seatbelt no matter how many times I make him watch this video. Is that just a guy thing? Or is a just a “my husband” thing? Is he the only man that doesn’t wear a seatbelt?

As a friend, I’m loyal. You can cheat on your spouse and I will tell you that it’s their fault because you are my friend and you can’t do anything wrong in my eyes. I may not be the best at keeping in touch and I do make some big fat mistakes, but when you need me, I will be there at any cost. Once I consider you a real true friend of my inner circle, you can’t get rid of me. Ever. No matter how long you and I go without talking, you are still my friend. There are a few ways to get kicked out my inner circle of friendship and the best way I can tell you how to get kicked out is by sharing a story with you.

Back in the ‘90’s my friend was married. Not happily. She started visiting her mom who was a bartender at work more often than not. My friend met a guy, she didn’t hook up with him or anything, but they became friends. She did start to have feelings for this guy and told her best friend. Her best friend took it upon herself to tell her husband that his wife was “seeing” this other guy at her mom’s work. Now, if this marriage ever stood a chance, it was over once the friend stuck her nose where it didn’t belong and the marriage was over. My friend and this other lady have since made up after about 15 years of not being friends. I still don’t get it. I don’t think I could be friends with the girl that ratted me out to my husband when it wasn’t her place to, but now they are like BFF’s all over again and I just don’t get it. I will never trust the one girl again and don’t see how my one friend can.

Another story, I had a best friend since 7th grade. I was her child’s godmother. But she slept with my ex husband before we were married. Once I found that out, I cut her out of my life totally. Had I known better, I would have dumped the guy and remained friends with her, but I was young and in love and my guy could no wrong. Big mistake. I do regret that she and I have never reconnected. I’ve tried looking for her on Facebook and MySpace back in the day when MySpace was the Facebook, but I can’t find her.

And I guess that’s it for today. I do some things right and some things wrong. All-n-all, I do my best every day and some days I do better than others.

Things that I do wrong. Really wrong.

2010-07-27T22:34:00.001-07:00

No, no, no, this isn’t some self pity party post. I promise. There are just some things that I know that I do wrong and I will probably never change these things about myself.

During the summer and since I’ve been a stay at home mom, my kids have no bedtime. None. Nada. Ain’t gonna happen. Why? Well, this brings me to my next “wrong thing.” I like to sleep in. I like for my kids to sleep in. Like past 9am. I don’t want to wake up at the crack of dawn and get ready for the day. There will be plenty of days like that in theirs and mine future. For now, I want us to stay up late and sleep in when we can. Most moms probably don’t let their six years old stay up until 1 in the morning. I do.

I smoke. Apparently that puts me on the “bad mommy list” right away no matter what else I do. Some kids aren’t allowed at my house because I smoke. They must have really super awesome parents. That sort of discrimination pisses me off pretty quickly. Do the parents know if I smoke inside or out? Nope. Well, unless my own kids tattle on me which they probably do because I have raised my kids not to lie. I know smoking sucks and is wrong and is bad and blah blah blah… but I want to ask the parents of the kids that can’t come play, “Do you own a gun? If yes, my kids aren’t allowed to play at your house then! But I trust, as a parent, that you keep your guns put up and away and aren’t on the coffee table like my cigarettes.” I want to ask, “Do you drink a glass or glasses of red whine in the evening to wind down? If yes, I don’t want my kids over there because they have alcoholics from every angle in their family history and I don’t want them around alcohol.” But my smoking is a deal breaker. Whatever. It pisses me off. And it makes me long for the days when I was kid when every parent seemly smoked and it wasn’t a big deal.

I let my kids watch scary movies. Movies that most parents wouldn’t let their kids watch. I let my kids watch ‘em. The Strangers was the one we watched last night. Total parenting fail there, but we love them! My kids know it’s all fake and I tell them all the time, “someone got paid lots of money to make it look real and one day that could be your job is that is what you want to do when you grow up.” But still, most moms would criticize me for letting my kids watch scary movies. But the scary movies back up the other thing I do wrong, I let my kids sleep with me when the hubby is working. They don’t have to sleep with me and I don’t make them, but if that is what they want for that night, I don’t mind and never tell them no. When they were babies, it was unheard of! I would never let my baby sleep with me, but now that they are older I don’t have the fear of me rolling over on top of them and smothering them, I don’t mind them sleeping with me. Most moms probably let their babies sleep with them, but not their 10 year olds. I am just backwards, I guess?

I make, yes make, my kids watch Teen Mom on MTV. I tell them, “This right here is why you don’t have sex before marriage and if nothing else, always, always use a condom! Having a baby to take care of when aren’t even out of high school is no joke and hard, very hard work.” Most moms don’t let their kids watch anything on MTV, let alone talk about sex to their six year old. I do. All my “Don’t do it. Use a condom!” speeches will probably backfire. I will probably be a very young grandma. I hope not though. I hope that with that look into what it’s like to be a teen mom teaches them just how hard not just being a teen mom is, but how hard being a mom is. I think Teen Mom should be required TV viewing watching for anyone who is raising a daughter of any age. I do not let my kids watch Jersey Shore though (which starts Thursday! Squee!) So that is one in the plus column, right?

I let my kids eat sugary cereals. Enough said.

It’s like I’m a 14 year old babysitting, isn’t it?

I can’t keep my house clean. It really pisses me off. I blame my grandma and mom for that one. I was raised with absolutely no chores. My grandma, who lived with me and my mom, cleaned my room, did my laundry, just did everything. I had nothing to do but be a kid. That did not prepare me for adulthood or prepare me for giving my own kids chores. My kids have no chores either. Another parenting fail. Apparently. I have found that every other parent out there gives their kids chores. I don’t. And for that, having a clean house is never-ending! It drives me crazy because nothing will teeter me on the side of depression quicker than a dirty house. Everything has to be neat, orderly and in it’s place for me to be happy. I hate that about myself. It drives me crazy that I can’t be happy with a mess.

If I don’t wake up and take a shower right away, it probably isn’t going to happen that day. If that should happen for a few days in row, it can get kinda of gross.

Tomorrow, things that I do right! Yes, I do think I do some things right.

What. Are. The. Freakin’. Odds?!??!

2010-07-20T19:03:00.001-07:00

Again. What. Are. The. Freakin’. Odds?!??!

So, as you may or may not know, I was selected for jury duty. I was all excited, I’ve been waiting to serve on a jury since I was 18!!!

I will leave out all the boring parts of the day. And it was very boring. I thought I was going to cry from being so bored. But I didn’t cry. (yay me!)

I will leave out the parts of the day that lead up to the moment I knew what trial they were picking jurors for, because, again, it’s all so very boring.

I will start with when 124 of us walked into the court room and I sat on the first bench directly behind the prosecutors table and there she sat at the defendants table. Her hair right there for me to pull it if I wanted.

I wrote a post in 2008 about a mom that left her baby in the car in July (it’s July right now and hot as hell, just like back then in case you forgot what month it is). This mom left her baby in the car for six hours while she went out drinking from 10 in the morning to until 4 or so in the afternoon. In the car, in July. A three month old baby.

And there she sat and I was a possible juror suspect.

No. Freakin’. Way.

I wasn’t called to the jury box and was never interviewed for the jury which means that I had to go back this morning and not get called again for another jury. 1/2 day wasted. Yesterday was a full day and I left with the worst headache in my life.

I saw her yesterday and could not believe that I was sitting so close to something…. something so… I just don’t have the words- I could not wrap my mind around that I was sitting so close to her. I tried to mentally recall the post that I had written and had long forgot about. I tried to remember correctly, “Is this that case? It can’t be? What are the odds? What did write again? What was all said about this before?” My mind went in every direction. I was trying to listen to the judge, lawyers and all I could really think about is the three month baby girl and how the heat gets to me in my car when I first get in. How do you forget your baby?

At one point in time, one of the lawyers said something that had everyone do one of those laughs when you laugh at something that isn’t terribly funny, but you laugh harder than normal just to relive the tension in the room- that kind of laugh. Everyone in the room smiled and laugh- including her. An anger instantly came over me. I stopped laughing and I’m sure I gave her my evil eye, not that she turned to look at me, but I couldn’t help but stare at her throughout the day. Well, she laughed and I thought, “You have no right to laugh ever again in life!”

And then at one point, she poured some water into her white styrofoam cup from the pitcher that sat on her table. I thought, “Bet your three month old baby would have liked some water that day.” Here we all were, because of her. Not able to drink water ourselves, not able to get up and go pee, we could do nothing. We had to sit and listen forever in a day while 14 out of the 124 of us were questioned to see if they could sit on the jury.

I knew there was no way my name was going to be called to be placed in the jury box, it just wasn’t going to happen- I had that vibe that it just wasn’t going to happen and I would not have to expose my blog and the post that I thought I had written about her and her baby. And after reading her defense in today’s paper, there is no doubt this lady is guilty as guilty can be.

So, I’m still “on call” for jury duty until the end of next week. I still have to call every day and if there is a trial case set for the next day, I have to show up and see if I get called to the jury box and requested to stay on the jury. We shall see what I end up with, if anything. As a wannabe juror, the holy grail would be some high profile murder case that will one day end up on Dateline and I, as a juror, would be interviewed at the end of the show as to why I voted the way I did, that would be the ultimate, right? But a baby killer trial? Yeah, I’ll pass.

Is it me that is bringing out the worst in them?

2010-07-16T18:55:00.001-07:00

I have two kids, two girls, four years apart in age.

I try very hard not to give one something without giving the other one something of equal value. However, that is an impossible mission. For whatever one gets, the other one is always getting better or more. There is a lot of, “But she got THAT and I only got this!” in my house. Sometimes, sometimes I just sit in silence when they start in with the “she got that!” pity whine and escape in my head to Las Vegas or some other place just as thrilling.

I wonder if this scenario will continue through their whole lives and if so, to what extent? My mom and aunt always thought the other one got the better end of the stick to the point that were unable to even be friends as adults because of the jealousy.

My oldest daughter has taken to lying. She told my youngest that the ice cream truck was coming down the street when it wasn’t. And that is just one example of the blatant lies she tells. I’ve punished her for her lying, but I can’t figure out why she is and when I ask her why she does it, I get the “I just don’t know!” Usually followed by a meltdown of tears and running to her bedroom. She and I used to always be on the same page, I knew her inside and out. Now, I just can’t seem to connect with her. With her only being ten, I worry. I don’t want her teenage years to be full of anger and hate and, what is that word the kids use today? Emo? I don’t know the right things to say to her anymore to reassure her that I do get it, I get what she is going through and that scares the hell out of me.

My youngest whines and cries every.single.time she doesn’t get her way. I am about to lose my mind over it. It’s like she is a two year old and she is six! I have to admit, that there are many times I give in to her just to shut her up. Yesterday, she wanted to play on the computer after her older sister started playing and I told her that she would have to wait. She went upstairs and cried and threw a tantrum for an hour! So yes, I give in to her more than I should because I just don’t want to hear it. Then I have to make sure that I do something for the older one so she doesn’t feel cheated. But like I said, I can’t always make everything equal.

80% of the time my girls get along well and we have a great time together. There is peace. However, that other 20%, that is part that has me worried, “Am I doing this mom thing all wrong?” I know, I know, all moms feel that way from time to time. I get it. But ya know, in the interest of full disclosure, I worry that I’m not good enough for them. There are days when all I want to do is just chill out on the couch and watch TV. I don’t want to have go get up and go somewhere. Will they remember me as a lazy mom? Is my, “I just want to chill time” making them whine more? Tell lies? Hate me? The last two days we haven’t gone anywhere, done anything. Is that setting a bad example for them? Is it me that is bringing out the worst in them?

Take That Sun Visor Off, You Look Like A Douche!

2010-07-15T20:47:00.000-07:00

We all have pet peeves, right?

Some of mine:

* Men who wear beige sun visors. It’s not only dorky, it makes them look douchey. * Men who wear their sunglasses on the back of their heads. Again, it’s kinda douchey looking to me.

* People who will Tweet/Facebook Bible verses, then tweet passive aggressive angry Tweets/Facebook status. Of course, we all have the freedom to Tweet and Facebook whatever we want, but I get annoyed when I see something like this:

“I am praising God for blessing me with {insert something sweet}. I’m off to church to give him all the glory!”

Then a few hours (or days) later this type of tweet:

“I will just have to fuck them over like they did me!!!!”

Not that all Christians are suppose to be saints 24/7, but geesh, I just don’t like it. Time to click “unfollow!”

And those are a few of my annoyances, what are some of yours?

Living Up North: They have sunsets, hardwood floors and probably Pooky lives there, too!

2010-07-14T20:46:00.001-07:00

So, me and my hubby have started talking about moving up north, near the Boston area. After I’m done with school, of course. I never saw myself staying in this town that I live in now for my entire life. I was always trying to talk my mom into moving all of us back out west to the area where I was born. However, the hubby doesn’t want to move out west, but up north instead because that is where he and his family is from. I don’t really care, just as long as we move.

Now that my mom and grandparents aren’t here, this town just isn’t the same. My cousin and aunt, eh? While they are blood family, it’s just after I talk to them, I feel the most alone. I don’t feel part of their inner circle. I’m not sure why that is. They are family, it’s not like I’m alone alone, it’s just… well, again something I just can’t put into words. My sense of family is totally in the walls of my house and no longer reaches outward. I just really have no ties to this town anymore, no reason I have to stay. I want my girls to know that there is a great big fat world out there and yes, I am aware that I don’t have to uproot my family and move to show my girls the world out there outside of these city limits, it’s just… well, again, I just don’t have the right words. The ties that bind me, well they are no longer there, ya know?

So anyway me and the hubby are in talks to move once I’m done with school and if some magic just happens to happen, I suppose we could go earlier. Surely they have colleges up north, right? And we may never ever move, but it has been officially put on the table as a topic of discussion and we will just see where that road takes us, if anywhere.

And I tell you all of this to get to this…

Last night me and the hubby had one of our famous text conversations. This one was about my finds on places to rent in the Boston area on craigslist. And what I’ve found out is that all houses up north come with a sunset view, hardwood floors, that my hubby likes houses that look like a serial killer could live there, my pets have to have excellent references and that I’m totally funnier than my daughter.

(FYI- my hubby “text types” meaning he shortens words like your to ur. He is an excellent speller so please do not take this text exchange as a reflection of his smartness. He can out spell anyone I’ve ever met and I’m not just saying that because I love him. He really can spell anything. I think because I’m such a bad speller, it’s one reason that I fell in love with him. It was a turn on.)

The first line was about a picture my hubby sent me of a rainbow on his way to work. It was pretty!

My hubby liked this house! I think it looks like a serial killer house! We have a “high street” in our town. It’s where one can go to find awesome drugs such as crack, cocaine, meth, etc… My hubby was telling me a story about how he played street hockey when he was a kid. I told him that only happens in the movies nowadays.

Mad Me (And Pictures!)

2010-07-13T18:39:00.001-07:00

To know me is to know, well… wait. That is too loaded of a statement, as to know me is to know a lot… I love yellow flowers, any kind of yellow flower. I let my kids ride their bikes in the rain in their bathing suits even if the neighbors think I’m crazy and unfit because they are only kids once and these are the memories that I want them to have.

Emily in the rainAutumn in the rain

And to know me is to know that I love LOVE TV and as a TV lover, I have been given a great honor… my family has been chosen for…. wait for it….

To be a Nielsen Family!

They even sent me $5 dollars! I start my diary on the 15th of July. I just don’t have the words.

And to know me is to know that I registered to vote when I turned 18, not just to be able to vote but so that my name would get on the “Jury List.” I heard that in order to be called for jury duty, you have to be registered to vote. Now, I don’t know if that is true or not, but at 18 I registered to vote so that one day I might be called to serve on a jury. And guess what… I got summoned!

I report July 19th at 8:00am and have no idea what to expect! But I have a Juror Badge! I wonder if I’ll have to tell them about this blog and that I’ve posted that I’ve been summoned and that will knock me out of the running to sit on a jury? I’m thinking too much about it aren’t I?

And to know me today is to know that today I was officially accepted for school.

Next step? Apply for finical aid and scholarships, right? I’m so clueless! Things have changed since the ten years that I got my associates degree. And this is like a real college, not a business college like my last one. So, it’s a total different ballgame for me and I’m like, “Ok? Now what?”

So yay! It’s so much good news that I don’t know what to do with myself!

But ya know, to know me is to know that I truly believe my mom is in Heaven and doing all these things for me that she couldn’t do on earth. Crazy huh? I know. I know it’s not all, if any, of her doings. But I can’t explain it… I just know that she has to have something to do with all this good fortune. For years she heard me talk about wanting to serve on a jury and she always joked with me that NOBODY wants jury duty! And she heard me say time and time again, “It would be so cool if I was picked to be part of the Nielsen Family!”

There is just too much happening now, not just what I’ve mentioned above, to not believe that she is doing what she can to make my dreams come true and to make me know without any shadow of any doubt that she is still here with me and my family and doing all that she can do for us still.

I just have such a peace when it comes to my mom. Sure, I have about a thousands regrets and I miss her more than I could ever tell you and my heart aches for her warm hug. My insides are shattered still and I’m not sure if the pieces will ever be put back together. But, I still feel her. This is nothing like I thought it would feel like. I thought I wouldn’t be able to get out bed. I thought my eyes would never stop crying and I would go downright crazy if something ever happened to my mom. She was the absolute center of my world. However, the pain is not all like I thought it would feel. It’s a strange mixture of missing her, yet knowing she is here with me. I wish I was a gifted enough writer to explain it to you, but much like a crazy dream that you can’t put into words, that is how I feel. Yes, it sucks. And I don’t dare say that it doesn’t suck as much as I thought it would, but yet, there is a peace. And when something like jury duty comes along, something she knew I wanted forever in a day and it comes along now… I just know it’s her working her magic. I sound like a crazy person, huh? Maybe I did indeed go crazy like I thought I would. But like the Alice from the new version of Alice in Wonderland, all the best people have gone mad.

My trip to see my doctor and a great song

2010-07-07T18:15:00.001-07:00

So, I went to the doctor the other day. He requested my presence when I called for a re-fill on my anti-anxiety medicine. I wasn’t sure what I needed to see him for, because my check up/physical isn’t due until November, but I thought this was a good sign to go see him so that I could tell him what happened with my mom and ask, “Can this happen to me? Is it hereditary?” And have him assure me, “No. You will live for ever and ever!” Also, as an added bonus, in my “your almost welcome package for college” had a form in there telling me that I needed to provide the dates when I got my MMR shots. And well, I have no idea when I had those shots and was hoping that my doc could just give them to me again and I would be all set.

Well, a little history about my doc- he is bi-polar. Ok, not really, but seriously, I never know if I’m gonna get “Nice Bedside Manner Doc” or “All Business Doc” when I go see him. This time ‘round, it was “All Business Doc” I asked him why he wanted to see me and ya know, I never really got an answer. I just assumed he wanted to take some blood, check my cholesterol or something like that, but nope. I honestly have no idea why he requested that I make another appointment. But never mind. I had other things to discuss with him.

First order of business, telling him about my mom. He didn’t say he was sorry which bothers me. I know, I know, it’s petty. But still, when someone tells me that a loved one of theirs passed 30 years ago, I still say, “Oh, I’m so sorry.” But like I said, this was “All Business Doc” for today. He read her death certificate and said, “Well, this isn’t hereditary. But did she smoke?” I said, “Yes, yes she did.” He said, “Well, that can cause trouble for… {some medical word that I can’t find on Google}” he basically said that smoking caused her death, or something to that effect (or is affect?). Well, alrighty then. I guess there’s that. I really need to get on that “quit smoking” bandwagon at some point. Or it will kill me, apparently. Why in all of God’s green earth did I ever start smoking? Certainly one of my biggest regrets ever. Even more than marrying my ex husband and that was a HUGE mistake. I want to just wake up and be a non smoker, never craving those cancer sticks again.

Secondly, I told my doc that I needed either proof that I’ve had both doses of the MMR shot OR proof that I’m immune or something like that…. I simply just handed him the form from my school and expected him to take it from there. Well, I jumped the gun on that one. He asked, “Where is your shot record?” Me: “Well, I’m sure my mom had it some place, but I have no idea and well… she isn’t here to tell me where is.” Doc: “You should always, always have your shot record. I just can’t believe how many people don’t keep up with that. You should always have it.” Me: “Well, when we moved here when I was younger, Doctor X was my children’s doctor and he is your group, maybe he has it?” Doc: “I will find out. Again, you should always have your shot record. I will call you in a few days and let you know if you need to come back to get those shots once Doctor X finds it or doesn’t find it.” (and here is my favorite part!) Me: “Well, I had the measles when I was younger. Doc: No you didn’t. Someone just probably told you that you did, but it was probably another type of rash. Me thinking: Um, that “other person” that you are referring to is same Doc X that is in your group, are you calling him a liar? Saying he misdiagnoses his patients? Does he know that you distrust him so much? I bet he wouldn’t appreciate that. Now I want to you to not only find my shot record, but pull my entire medical history so that I can prove you wrong, that I really did have the measles! /end thought.

Why do I continue to go to this doctor you might ask? Well, he saved my life! Some other quack doctor put me on wellbutrin and it nearly killed me and I was sure I was dying- my heart never stopped racing, which for a panic attack suffer, is a very bad thing. I went back to my bi-polar doc and he instantly knew what was wrong with me and took me off that medicine and plus, he knows ever inch of me. When I thought I had a tumor in my belly and was dying, he assured me that it was just scare tissue from my C-section and he was right. He didn’t laugh at me or think I was crazy when I though my heart was doing funny things and I thought I was dying, just made me wear a heart monitor thingy and again, he was right. I was just overreacting because of my history of panic attacks. While, he can be bi-polar, he knows me and my history and I trust him. And while, he may not have the best bed side manner at times, he “gets me” and even though I don’t want to admit it, he is probably right about the measles thing because he has yet to be wrong.

Which brings me to the end, I have had the chick pots and what I -and a doctor- told me was the measles, have you ever had the chick pots and/or measles?

And on a TOTALLY different topic, while this song isn’t my favorite, I absolutely love the words to this song. It seems song writers these days are getting lazy, for example, “We kick ‘em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger.” Really? Who is wanting to hook up with Mick Jagger let alone a nobody that just happens to look like him. Or is it just me?

The Script, Breakeven

Recap of my weekend

2010-07-06T10:15:00.001-07:00

Friday the 2nd, we went and saw Eclipse. My hubby liked it better than the first two. He fell asleep watching New Moon. That is $15 bucks for the price of the movie ticket and popcorn that we will never get back. But he stayed awaked for all of Eclipse, so if that is any indication, it was a good movie. Well, Emily did fall asleep half way through. Again, about $15 bucks we will never get back. This Twilight thing has cost me about $30 bucks so far… I don’t think I will invite Paul and Emily for the two parter that will be Breaking Dawn. The only movie I fell asleep while at the movies was The Burbs. Have you ever fallen asleep at the movies?

Saturday, the 3rd, was spent looking at some houses… I felt kinda “ugh” about all the ones we saw. I don’t think we will be moving anytime soon and I’m good with that. I’m starting to settle down after “the event” and kinda just want to be still for the time being. The hubby is already trying to plan our next vacation and I’m all like, “I just can’t right now.” But, the worst part, telling the realtor that I just don’t think this is the right time for us to buy a house. I have a problem letting people down. I feel hugely guilty. Do you ever feel guilty for backing out of something?

Also on the 3rd, there was a kid’s birthday party at Chucky Cheese. I opted out and Paul had to endure the hell that is that rat’s home that doubles as a pizza joint.

And lastly on the 3rd, we went to my cousin’s husband’s cousin’s house. Got all that? I was a square peg in a otherwise circle of circles. My cousin spent about 10 minutes talking to me and my hubby and me. My hubby and I not knowing a single other soul there, and NOBODY talked to us, I felt like we had coodies! Here I was wearing my normal attire: Capri jeans, a black t-shirt and ball cap and all the other women were wearing cute skirts with big bulky necklaces and cute gold flip flops- I’m not sure when I’ve felt so out of place somewhere. I have seen enough of the Real Housewives of Orange County to know that there are some women that judge others in 10 seconds flat … not that they were judging me, but they sure didn’t go out of their way to talk to me or my hubby. Like I said, I felt like a square peg in a circle world. It was a bad evening for me. One of the worst in a long, long time. I was more hurt that my cousin didn’t make more of an effort to talk and socialize with me. Instead she opted to hang out with the other cute skirt and gold flip flops people. I faked a tummy ache and left early. My cousin volunteered to bring my girls home later so that they could stay and watch the fireworks. I appreciated that, but she was clueless as to how out of place I was and that she was of no help. However, I got the added bonus of looking like the bitch that I am for leaving early. Hey, it gives her fodder to talk about me and that is what I live for. I constantly let her down that I’m a cute skirt gold flip flop person. I have to learn to own that about myself instead of letting it eat me up inside.

The 4th proved to be much better! We went to our local army base for their yearly fair/fireworks events. We had a great time, well me and my hubby did. My girls informed me that “this wasn’t the greatest time.” *sigh* I feel at times nothing I do will ever be good enough for them. I guess that’s the life of a mom. Some of the time anyway. I am sure next 4th they will look back at this one with fond memories, well they better! Or I’m locking them up in the closet and me and the hubby will go out since we know how to have a good time and if we don’t, I can always pull the tummy ache card again.

And that was my weekend. How was yours?

A Dish Best Served Cold

2010-06-24T18:28:00.001-07:00

When I first started my career with the company that I work at now (the one that I will be leaving on June 30th), I was… a… let me think of something that won’t give away my new found secretive identity on the internet… I was a forklift driver! (please note that I was and never will be a forklift driver, I would end up killing myself in some freak thing where I’ve turned the forklift in such a way it flipped over on me and killed me by laying on top of me. With the forks protruding through my body. I don’t do well with machine stuff like forklifts.) Ok, back to my story, I was a forklift driver. I hated it because of the hours and more importantly a certain devil woman I will name, Firewoman. Firewoman was the devil, errr, IS THE DEVIL! She made my life a living hell. So, I left the company when another job came open at a different place. Well, at the different place, I didn’t like it either and wasn’t making nearly the same amount of money at my old job. So, when my old job came open again, I put my tail between my legs and took my old job back. *sigh* I knew Firewoman would be there, but I could deal with it I told myself a thousand times over. I needed the money and I knew, I just knew that if I took my old job back, I would at some point be able to move up and on away from Firewoman.

Shortly after I took my old job back, Firewoman became my supervisor. Oh. My. Gawd! If I thought my life was hell before when she was just an equal, I knew nothing. My life became unbearable. However, the money was decent and I was holding out hope that another position would come open that I would get.

I wish I could list all the Sh!t that Firewoman put me through, such as making an impossible schedule of working 7a to 3p, then again 11p to 7a and then back at 3p to 11p. Or the time that I had planned on a sleepover for my daughter, sent out invitations and everything only to be told the day before that I had to come in and work. I’m telling you that it was the gates of hell working under her. As much as I bitch and moan about my current supervisor, nobody could ever hold a candle to Firewoman. No. Body.

She was just downright hateful, full of rage and totally and utterly bipolar. You could be having a normal conversation with Firewoman and the next thing you know, she is yelling at you and asking if you are on drugs. To give you an idea of how crazy she was, think of Joe Pesci from Goodfellas when he does the “you think I’m a clown” scene. At the end of the scene he says to Ray Liotta that he just kidding around. Well, Firewoman would start off laughing and joking and then do a 180 and never went back to saying, “I’m just messing with ya!” She would just stay in her insane state. This sort of thing was normal for her to do all. the. time.

I hated her with every once of my being.

I would vent and cry and complain to my mom and I know that as much as I hated Firewoman, my mom hated her more. As a mom, I get it. No matter how someone makes me feel, if some ratty bratty kid hurts one my kids feelings, I want to pull a Joe Pesci from Casino, ya know, the Joe Pesci that stabs a guy in the neck with a pen. My mom would have loved nothing more than to go to Firewoman’s house and shot her dead and I’m sure it crossed my mom’s mind more than once, “I wonder if I could get away with it?” When your child is in pain because of another human being (and I use the word human being lightly in reference to Firewoman), you want to make it all go away and make it better and stomp on anyone that you need to in order to make it better for your child. We are like Mama Bears in that respect. Or at least that is how I feel.

About three years have passed since I worked with Firewoman and I’ve moved up the latter twice since I’ve worked with her. I still hold some amount of bitterness towards her AND her wimpy boss who let this crap go on and would do nothing to stop it because she was such a weak freaking human being.

Then today I get a call from The Man over that department. When you think of The Man, think Clint Eastwood in his old western movies with tumbleweeds and that western whistling thing those moves do. That is the kind of vibe The Man gives all of us that have met him. The Man just takes care of business in a matter of fact common sense way. He is very high on the food chain for the company that I work at. Like really super high. You do not want to be on his bad side or you can just hang up your career, or any career for that matter. Unless you want a career licking slim off carwash parts. He is very respected and deserves it.

So, The Man calls me today. My heart was pounding and I thought, “OH SHIT! WHAT HAVE I DONE!?!” He asks, “You used to work here, why did you quit?” My first thought was, “The Man knows my name! And that I used to work there!” Blink. Blink. Breathe. I said, “Well, I was offered another position with better pay, better hours… but I get the feeling you want to know why I was looking for another position in the first place?” I knew he wasn’t calling me just to shoot the breeze and offer me my old job back. His reply, “Yes I am. Why did you really leave?” I said “Firewoman.” He said, “That’s what I thought. We have a situation over here and I’m going to need a statement from you about your dealings with her. I will probably stop by your work tomorrow, if I can’t stop by today and get that from you if that’s ok? Do you mind giving me a statement?” I, of course said, “No sir, I don’t mind. Whatever you need from me.” The Man could easily have one of his soldiers to interview me and get my statement, but nope, The Man wants to come see me! Wow. Just wow. Years after I’ve been there. Wow, again, just wow.

I know the situation is, the bitch is CRAZY! And they are probably trying to fire her and need to pad the fire packet with statements of her incompetence as a living breathing human being. I have no doubt that she went off on a superior and that is just something you don’t do at my company. How and why it’s taken this long for her to snap on the wrong person, I will never know. Wait, I do know why!!!

So, here we have the The Man, my version of Clint Eastwood from that department wanting to get a statement from *ME* about Firewoman just days before I no longer work for the company and my statement wouldn’t hold water after I quit- yet! Since I am leaving, I have the opportunity to be more honest that I might not have been before. Like the best of both worlds!

Yes indeedy, my mom is totally behind this from where she is at, like the good Mama Bear that she is. I just know it. She is taking care of business like she wanted to do all along. I just know, I absolutely know that she is smiling down on me and saying, “See, Baby Girl, I still got you like I’ve always have.” Once it hit me that my mom has got to be behind this, I haven’t stopped smiling since. Thanks mom, I won’t let you down and thanks for giving me this chance to help karma along, love you too!

I am a little hesitant to rip her, but thanks to her and her crazy scheduling I ended up addicted to sleeping pills, which led to me overdosing and causing the first of my panic attacks which I live in fear of every. single. day. I think of all the time missed with my girls and how I left my girls with a shady babysitter who hated my girls, but because I couldn’t call out EVER and I had a house payment and food to put on the table, I felt that I was stuck between a rock and hard place. I am not proud of all the choices that I made back then, but at the time I didn’t know what else to do and I was much more weaker of a person back then. I never stopped looking for another job back then and knew with all my heart that what I had to go through and put my family through was temporary. Yes, the “Grammy” part of me that is telling me, “don’t be too hard on her” But, I’ve got my “mom part” telling me, she put you through hell and this is your one shot to lay it all out there and let the chips fall where they may. Well I think, I’m letting the “mom part” trump the “Grammy part” for now, not just for what Firewoman did to me, but for what I saw her do to other co-workers, and for the regrets that I live with today that started with her and her insaneness.

The Big News Is…

2010-06-17T18:07:00.001-07:00

My big news: I am quitting my job on the 30th of this month and going back to school. I will get my degree in education and become a middle school math teacher. This is something that I’ve always had a back in the mind dream thingy/ goal/ pipe dream- most of my dreams and goals have always involved not going back to school and doing something NOW to make money because going back to school was something I didn’t think I could do given working full time, two kids, a hubby that works nights, Glee and Grey’s Anatomy to watch, ya know… I was a busy girl! But thanks to my mom, I can fulfill this dream. Where did I get this crazy dream from all those years ago? My grandpa was/is (I never know do I say, was or is?) a retired math teacher after he retired from the army.

When I got my associates degree, I made my mind up that I wanted to get my degree quickly because I thought, “Well, I will get this degree in two years instead of four and will start a business and I’ll be on Forbes 500 list in no time!” Ten years later, I still have no business to call my own and my “teacher dream” is still simmering and yelling at me, “Well, ya going do it NOW?!?! I don’t want to tell ya I told ya so, but well, I told you all those years ago this was what you should have been doing all along. Don’t feel bad about wasting ten years of your life to some pipe dream that wasn’t really gonna come true because some where in the back of your mind, you knew this is what you should be doing.” Yeah, my teacher dream talks to me.

So, there it is… the big news.

What do you think? Pretty crazy huh? I’m excited and nervous all at the same time. I certainly don’t want to mess this up like I did the last time! I am out of dreams after this one. Life only gives you these chances like nearly never. I am very thankful for my mom to be able to hand me this opportunity. Once again, she made it all better like only a mom can do.

You see, it’s next to impossible for me to go back to life as I knew it. I just can’t. I have to shed most of what I thought I knew about life and where I thought it was going to take me and jump onto another lily pad. I have to trust that my mom and grandpa are the ones screaming at me right now saying, “Finally!” And I have to trust that the foundation that my mom and grandpa gave me is enough and that I really am strong enough to do this … like on my own! I don’t “on my own” like ever… never had to. Never made a decision this big without my mom and grandpa telling me yes or no.

In other news, I’ve been texting friends, going out to lunch, and talking to folks on the phone and even went to a friends house last night and drank some awesome southern sweet tea while our kids played. Loudly. I’m trying not to close off and hide from the world. I’m not as outgoing as I can see myself being, but I’m getting there. I hope anyway. It’s still a daily struggle. Like, yesterday I went out to lunch with some friends and it was at the place I took my mom for mother’s day- it’s just a place about a block away from where I work- my mom had spinach dip and drank orange cream soda, she was so excited they had it because she hadn’t had it years and I laughed because I had never heard of it and joke that it must have been a drink from the 50’s or something- I told her that I drink just normal orange soda. She made me take a sip and I loved it, just like she said I would. Nothing I seem to do, I can do without being reminded of her in someway. Everything seems to go back to her in some way… I wonder if that will ever go away. When I start to make new memories and move into the era of my life when I can remember times without her, I wonder what that is going to feel like?

Well, lets close out this post on a happier note… this song right here could possibly end up being one of my favorites. When I first heard it, I thought it had to be joke! It couldn’t possibly be real… but sure enough, it is! I laugh every time I hear it and that my dear friends is a good thing these days.

Hello? Is there anybody out there?

2010-06-13T20:34:00.001-07:00

We are back from Disney! It was a great vacation. It was, however, bittersweet, as I know that there were moments that my mom would have loved.

For example, while riding the Pirates of the Caribbean ride, I knew that she would have swooned a million times over Captain Jack Sparrow. I got a little teary eyed during that ride knowing that she would have loved it, and it probably would have been one of her favorites. After the ride, as with all the rides at Disney, you are let off in the middle of a gift shop full of souvenirs for whatever ride you just rode. So, after we were let off of Pirates of the Caribbean ride, I made all of us get out of the gift shop quickly. Had my mom been there, we would have spent at least an hour there and no doubt she would have bought little do-das for my girls.

I was sad that my mom couldn’t finally meet some of my blogger family, Karl and Heather with whom we met one night at Downtown Disney. I always wanted her to meet some of you out there just because I always liked showing my mom off to my friends because my mom was really awesome and funny and I’ve just always been that girl that wanted my mom to meet my friends.

I had one really bad night at Disney, the first night that the hubby called his mom to let her know how things were going. It hit me like a ton of bricks that I had nobody to call to tell how things were going. Sure I could have called my cousin, but it’s not the same ya know? I realized that my phone never rang and wasn’t going to ring with calls from a loved one asking, “How’s it going? What’ca doing?” It was a really bad night for me. I cried liked a newborn baby all alone in the bathroom realizing that I’m kinda doing this all on my own from this point forward. My rocks are gone. My grandpa and my mom were my foundation and now… now what? My rocks, the people that cared the most about me are gone and the tears just couldn’t be held back anymore. The hubby and kids were in the dinning lobby area eating dinner and I was thankful that they weren’t there to see the big ball of mess that I had turned into. I purposely didn’t eat dinner with them that night just because I had been fighting back the tears for hours that day and needed that time alone. Well, truth be told, I needed my mom.

Since I’ve been back, again, it’s starting to hit me just how alone I am without my mom. Of course, I have my hubby and kids and I’m starting to realize that they are pretty much all I have- I have to create a new world where I have to share with them all the goofy stuff I would share with my mom like, “Why do groups of 700 lb people with on scooters go to Disney world? Are there really any rides they can ride?” and hope that they can find the humor in the jokes my mom would laugh at.

And then tonight, tonight, again another part of all this hit me. I will never be the center of someone’s world again like I was my mom’s world. You see, the phone has stopped ringing with calls of concern. I called my cousin tonight and she was hosting her bible study group at her house. I called another person and she was just getting ready to eat dinner. I called my mom’s boyfriend and spoke to him and his family and they talked a little about what they have and haven’t yet got out of my mom’s house and it all lasted about 10 minutes. My mom’s boyfriend did tell me about a BBQ that he went to over the weekend at my mom’s best friend house and told me of everyone that showed up. I was a little hurt that I wasn’t invited. Those people are amazing links to who my mom was, she was extremely close to her friends (my mom was WAY more social that I am) and I can only imagine the stories and laughter that they shared. I wish I could have been part of that. Funny thing, when my mom was here, my mom always invited me and my family to her best friend’s BBQ’s. Just hearing about the BBQ, I realize again just how much I miss my mom being here.

I’m really trying not to run and hide and close up from the world. But it’s hard when I reach out and the people I reach for are well, too busy… Like I said before, it’s hard pill to swallow knowing that I am not the center of anyone’s world like I was my mom’s (and if you have been reading my blog for any length of time, I don’t do well when I reach out to someone and they aren’t right there at that moment- yes, I’m overly sensitive, I know this). Nobody will put their life on hold to talk to me on the phone like my mom would do. Nobody probably gave it a second thought to call me while on vacation to see how things were going, and why would anyone? That’s a mom’s job to do, right? Mom’s are suppose to do the, “Call me as soon as you get there” and then get mad when you forget because of course, you arrived just fine and hello! you’re an adult and don’t need to check in with your mom like when you were 10 years old. However, it’s an indescribable lonely feeling when you really have nobody to call to let you know that you arrived there and home again safe and sound. *insert heavy sigh* Enough with the pity party for the night, eh?

I do have some big news that I hope to be sharing in the coming days… and no I’m not pregnant!! :)

48 Hours

2010-06-03T17:53:00.001-07:00

In 48 hours we will be sitting somewhere in Disney. It’s bittersweet to think about it. My mom had put so much of herself into this trip and now that she won’t be there, it’s hard for me to truly be happy about it all because she is suppose to be here with us.

If she was here, she’d be calling non stop telling me not to forget this or to do this or make sure I take care of that… ya know, all the mom stuff.

I want to come to this blog and talk about more than my mom. I want to tell you some funny story about my kids or how today I got my first letter from Autumn from camp and how that letter, well really she mailed two! And how those letters are the highlight of my life in what seems like a million years. And how hearing my youngest count in Spanish makes me happy inside. I want to tell you all that gooey stuff.

However, all I can think about to write about is my mom.

I keep replaying one of the last times we spoke, it was the week of Autumn’s recital and my mom called me at work to say that she couldn’t go because her tummy was hurting, but to tell me that I better record it!- my mom could be a tad bossy. The pain that she must have been in at that time, I can’t even imagine- what her body was doing at that time would be what ultimately took her from me.

It was weird because my mom and I never have a conversation that lasted less than five minutes. However, that day it was short and sweet and to the point. I just blew it off that she must have really been sick and brushed it off. I think that was the last time we talked. I actually can’t remember the last time we talked. I think we may have talked that night and I told her about how the recital went, but I can’t be sure. My memories blend together with everyone that I told about Autumn’s recital. I just can’t remember the last time my mom and I talked.

All I can concentrate anymore is my mom, my memories of her, her estate, her house, her stuff, the lawyers, the extreme disappointment I have in my aunt since this began, the “what if’s” and how is this all gonna play out a year from now. Note to self: Get a will ASAP! My mom having had a will would have made this process a thousand times easier.

There is so much “you gotta do this now” and “well, nothing can be done today.” It all feels so …. extreme.

I wonder if I will make the right choice and right next move? I have no easy answers and nobody to say, “do it this way” like my mom would tell me to do. She would have all the answers to the questions I have. There are so many variables in this situation and I have no idea what I’m doing. I tend to always make the wrong choice in life and I’m scared to make the wrong choice again and totally screw myself. Everyone cares about their own interests, the lawyer cares about money, my aunt cares about stuff, nobody else understands that isn’t just a business transaction for me, this is my mom and her affairs and my emotions are at an all time bipolar swing – I could put both Brittney and Lindsey to shame these days- and I don’t know what to do and time is not on my side. There are something's that are gonna happen fairly quickly and I can’t just “take some time.”

Well, in 48 hours I will be Disney and I hope that somehow Disney can make it all better. Help me to see clearly what I cannot see right now. I hope some time away will give me the answers and direction that I need right now. I hope that this trip helps to transform from this scared unknowing person to something better than I am today.

Like Chris Rock Said, “That bitch is crazy!”

2010-06-01T19:48:00.001-07:00

My Grammy always said, “Nothing will cause a family feud quicker than weddings and funerals.” She was more right than she could ever know.

My aunt. My aunt.

The day we went to the funeral home to plan my mom’s service, we stopped by my mom’s house afterwards to get an outfit for her. My mom was cremated, but still I couldn’t let her go naked. She would haunt me!

So, I’m standing in the room to pick out clothes for my mom and my aunt walks in (she was few minutes behind us) and before anything, asks, “Do you want the Christmas Cookie Jar or can I have it?”

Blink. Blink. Think, “Did she really just ask me that?” I say, “I don’t even know what cookie jar you are talking about?” Needless to say, that is how every moment with my aunt has been since then.

I’m standing there, trying to pick out clothes for my mother who hasn’t been gone less than 24 hours and we are talking about stuff? Seriously? I mean really, seriously?

Need one more example?

After “it” happened, my aunt and I left the hospital and I smoked a cigarette in her car in the parking lot. My aunt brought up some fancy glassware that Grammy wanted me to have, but there were two plates made the same year and my aunt asked if I minded if my cousin (her daughter) got one and I got one. Again—Blink. Blink. And with my mind numb from what had just happened, I said, “Ok.”

I honestly don’t care about anything in my mom’s house except for her pictures and her writings and her crossword puzzles that she had completed. Those things, yeah, they are mine. Everything else, I simply don’t care.

I don’t want a big piece of furniture sitting in my house reminding daily of the loss. I am the kind of person that loves looking a pictures and reading anything that my mom wrote. From her silly reminders of when the Real Housewives of Atlanta would return to a letter she wrote to my real dad. Fancy glass or a cookie jar? Like Shania Twain would say, “That don’t impress me much.”

My mom always said that my aunt was crazy, like seriously crazy… I am beginning to believe my mom. She sees the world as something that is out to “get her.” That we are all “over here” and she is “over there.” Never realizing that we are all on the same team here.

Have I done everything perfectly and handled every situation when dealing with my aunt perfectly? No. But damn, she makes it nearly impossible to take her seriously.

The Saturday right after that day, my mom’s boyfriend changed the locks on my mom’s house. My aunt had lived in that house for years up until my grandma passed away and then my aunt moved in with her daughter (my cousin). (yes, my grandparents, my mom, my mom’s boyfriend and my aunt all lived in this house.) My aunt thinks she still has free pass to come and go through that house at will. Boy was she surprised when she went over and her key didn’t work! But since nobody is living there now, my mom’s boyfriend thought it was best to change out all the locks and put new deadbolts on the doors. I agreed.

You see, the day we went to pick out clothes for my mom, my aunt took a fisherman and my grandpa’s flag from his funeral service before she asked me about the damn cookie jar. She didn’t ask, she just took. Not that I cared, but it’s a matter of respect. You just don’t go in someone else’s house taking what you think is yours to take under the name of “these are family items that have to stay in the family.” She thinks that my mom’s boyfriend is going to go in and steal everything! She is so very wrong. My mom’s boyfriend lived there five years, if he wanted to steal anything, he would have by now, don’t ya think?

My aunt has not been a support system for me in one way at all. She was upset with how I handled the funeral, didn’t like certain song choices and didn’t like that I had a ribbon “No regrets.” My mom always told me that she wanted “No Regrets” on her tombstone, and since she wasn’t going to have a tombstone, she got a ribbon instead. My aunt vented to my cousin about how upset my aunt was about the service I had planned. That I was painting my mom in just one light. This she assumed not knowing what I had planned to say about my mom, not knowing about the Honor Guard that was to be there, the military rites, the police that stood at each intersection with their hats over their hearts, the pictures I had chosen… she just assumed I was going to talk about how my mom was just a good ole drinkin’ chain smokin’ Harley shirt wearing person. She had no clue, but upset all the same.

Today at work, my first day back (aka, one of the hardest days of my life), she calls and starts in with the “I don’t know why everyone wants to keep me out of that house!” I explained to her that we had hidden a key and I’m sorry that her daughter didn’t inform of this, but nobody is trying to keep her out. Well, to be honest, I’m not trying to keep her out anymore. Yesterday, all of us went over and made piles of the stuff we were to take and post-it noted other things. She, out of everyone, proved she would go in and take what she thought was her right to take.

She fails to remember that I grew up in that house. It was my mom’s house –my mom’s name and hers alone was the only name on the mortgage, and while she and my mom may have had some agreement, that agreement doesn’t trickle down to me.

But it all doesn’t add up to a hill of beans. She has been the one dark light in an otherwise virtual world of light from all the hugs, well wishes, texts, midnight phone calls, flowers, cards, and every person in my world has seemly come to lift me up. Not her. She has been nothing but a disappointment from the word go.

The sad thing, I only have four people on this earth that are a direct blood relation to me (minus my cousin’s children). I have my cousin, my aunt and my two kids. I have to love her, right? I have to accept that she is hurting too, right? I have to see through her eyes, right? But I don’t want to. I want to lay her out and take all the hurt that I’m going through, all the pain and why the fuck did God take my mom from me now! confusion, I want to take it all out on her because she above anyone else should be my source of comfort but being around her or talking to her on the phone makes me realize more than ever just how alone I really am without my mom because I can’t instantly call my mom and vent to her and tell my mom, “Yeah, you were right!” And to hear my mom laugh that all knowing great laugh of hers and hear her say, “I told you!"

I would gladly give my aunt every picture, every cookie jar, every crossword puzzle and silly reminders my mom left behind just to hear that laugh again. Nothing my aunt wants can every equal to that laugh. She simply doesn’t get it and it’s not because she wants anything for me, like, “You need to have this.” Nope. It’s all about what she wants and what is afraid the rest of us are going to steal from her. I should feel sorry for her. I don’t. I feel anger and rage when it comes to her. I’ve reached out to her many times because I know she just lost her sister, but the day after the funeral, my aunt called and before she said anything of comfort, I was asked,"Where are the flowers? My church sent me flowers.” I just sighed and knew from that second on, I really understood all that I had lost. Now I understand why my cousin has thought about kicking her mother to the curb, I couldn't deal with living with this type of person either.

I love Chris Rock among many others, but his Bigger and Blacker will always be a standout to me. What is one of your favorite comedy specials?

*Inspiration for today's title

A Scene From Steel Magnolias...

2010-05-28T08:13:00.000-07:00

The full post can be found here.

The girl who washed the shoes

2010-05-17T00:01:00.000-07:00

My co-worker told me a disturbing story the other day. However, before we get to that part, let me share with you the back-story:

Recently we had some flooding in our city. Because of where I work, most of us – no, make that ALL OF US- were excepted to help clean up some of the flooded areas. One person in the office went everyday for a week and for most of the day and cleaned up mud, crud, crap (literally sh*t from overflowing toilets that was dripping from the ceilings onto her head in some places) among many other nasty things. She really went above and beyond in my opinion. This is also the same person that told me the story that I’m about to tell you.

One day, our big boss was down in the same flooded area where she was cleaning. OH! Before I go further, I have to tell you that she was in a bad accident and lost the full use of one of her arms. So, she is down there and so is the big boss with another big boss from a different department. I am sure that our big boss was bragging to the other big boss, “Look at all the hard work my people have done.” It came time for the two big boss’s to leave and our big boss calls over the lady that is telling me this story and our big boss asks her wash his muddy boots. That are still on his feet. As in, she had to kneel down in the mud, with her one useful arm and wash his boots. The tops. The sides. The underneath part. So that he wouldn’t dirty up the company SUV when he got back in.

She was sure that when he asked her to wash his boots, he was really just wanting her to hand over the hose so that he could rinse off his boots HIMSELF. Nope. She was down on her knees like Mary washing Jesus’ feet. And best part yet, he made her wash the other big boss’s boots too! Yep.

I was livid. I was embarrassed for her. I was ashamed that this person who makes triple what I make (or any of make for that matter!) and this is how he his subordinates.

I knew I didn’t like him from the start. Just something about the way he is always smiling, but it’s more like a smirk. He has this way about him that lets you know right away that he feels very few people are equal to him and if you work for him, you are not equal unless you are part of the chosen ones. He is the reason I wish I had gone ahead and gotten my Masters or PhD so that I could get to one or two levels above him so that I could one day have HIM washing my muddy boots on his freakin' knees.

And the absolute best part... when the big boss sent out a memo giving updates and thanking people, he didn't include the girl that washed his boots. Nope. The thanked others that I saw sitting around doing nothing. He thanked others that never picked up a brush and scrub one inch. Yep, he thanked his chosen ones, but not the girl that washed his boots while was kneeling in the mud and only using one arm.

This "boss", this person, this one person has brought me more sleepless nights, tears before bed and prayers of a job offer in another department than anyone in a long time. I don’t like smug. I really hate smug. And he is nothing but smug.

Do you think my boss was out of line having someone kneel in the mud to wash his boots and the boots of another supervisor? Do you have any horror stories about any of your bosses?

You know it's hard out here for a pimp, When (s)he tryin' to get this money for the rent

2010-05-14T12:28:00.000-07:00

Squeee! I love having a blog where I can feel free and stretch my arms and run around in circles if I want!

I will not be using twitter/facebook to announce when I have a new post and all that jazz... I hope that you guys still stop by via feed readers and such. I have no clue what I'm going to do with my old blog. I'm gonna leave it just be for now... I always thought it would be cool to print it, get it binded... make like a book thingmajig. Have you guys ever thought about doing that with any of your blogs?

Besides work and all the drama that comes with work, there is something else bothering me at this moment in my life...

After my grandma passed away earlier this year, my aunt moved in with my cousin. Things are NOT going well with that situation. They aren't getting along.

Here is the backstory:

My aunt received $20,000 from my grandma's funds when she passed. My aunt turned around and gave that money to my cousin so that my aunt would have a place to live for the rest of her life. My cousin is selling her house and building another one. My cousin is adding a basement to the new house so that my aunt would have a place of her own. Kinda.

Some facts to keep in mind while reading:
My aunt is disabled, has been for years. She does not work and get $800.00 a month in disability.

So, the basement area that my cousin is adding on to the new house is going to cost $30,000. Now, my mom built a two story addition for under $30,000 and we are just talking about a basement here, but whatever... I don't design houses so maybe $30,000 for a basement is the going rate these days?

With my aunt's $20,000, that still leaves my cousin $10,000 short for the building of a basement and of course that money will have to be added to the mortgage. If she takes a 30 year note, that is about $30 a month/ about $60 a month for a 15 year note.

Well, now my aunt and cousin aren't getting along. My cousin wants to give my aunt back her $20,000 and send her on her way. I have a BIG FAT problem with that and here's why:

You don't kick your mom out when she has nowhere else to go. I understand if your mom is abusive and unloving, but my aunt isn't these things. Is she perfect? No. Not by a long shot!! She gets snippy and angry and takes it out on the ones closest to her and she does try to control what she cannot control. Living with her can-not be easy, but again, you don't kick out your mom. I'm just not ok with that. Not when it's because "you just can't live with her." *insert stomping your feet* Maybe your mom can't live with you either- let's face it, are any of us a breeze to life with? But she has nowhere else to go! Nowhere! Sure she has $20,000 to find a place, but if she had to rent and pay utilities elsewhere, that money will go quick and then what? Where does she go? Homeless?

My aunt is paying rent right now to my cousin. $150 towards rent and my cousin is making my aunt put $150 (for a total of $300 a month) in savings in case something happens to my aunt's car or some other unforeseen expense comes up. I understand the concept, I really do. It makes sense. However, I could not see me MAKING my own mother save money and wouldn't dream of making her do that as a condition of living with me. I just find that whole situation a joke. And totally laughable. If my aunt's car breaks down and she has no car, then she has no car. But my aunt shouldn't be forced to save money. I just find that laughable. It's like my aunt is being treated like a 5 year old; saving money is a lesson one teaches their children- not the mother, or is it just me? Maybe I have too much of a responsible mother and wouldn't need to make her save money. This makes me sad for my aunt, being treated like she is one of my cousin's children.

When they move to the new house, my aunt will have to pay $400 in rent, plus her own utilities. (remember, my aunt clears $800 in disability a month). That is on top of the $20,000 that my aunt handed over. Is it me or is there something wrong with that picture? I could see her paying some money, I guess? But $400 a month and $20,000 for a basement apartment in which she will living with her daughter? My cousin has a live in babysitter right there! My cousin will probably use $400 worth of babysitting fees by using my aunt and yet, she is charging rent from my aunt. I have to shake my head at that one.

Maybe mine and my mom's relationship is just out of whack and what my cousin is doing is normal. However, if my 60 year old mom (my mom isn't 60 btw! she would kill me if she thought I led you guys to believe that she was!) that could not work and had limited funds needed a place to live, there would be no doubt that she would be bunking with me and my family! Would it be easy? Hell No! Would I love every minute of it? Hell No! Would I want to kill myself some days from all the "Honey, do it this way" that my mom loves to say when I'm not doing things her way? HELL YES! DOUBLE HELL YES! BUT, the idea of just telling my mom, "Yeah, um, this isn't working. You gotta leave." That would not happen. I would not want to be that type of daughter. I would not want to be that type of person!

When you break it down:

My aunt is paying rent, more than her fair share of the bills I might add!
Will continue to pay rent.
Has paid $20,000 already.
Free babysitter
The $10,000 that my cousin is supposedly going in debt over equals to about $30 a month over 30 years or $60 for a 15 year note. Not the end of the world if you ask me.

Yes, my aunt is NOT an easy person to live with. But still. She is her mother. Do you kick you mother out when she has no where to go?

You may be asking, "Why don't you take in your aunt?" To put it simply, I'm not good enough for her. She would never ask and would rather be homeless than to live with me. I am not rich, or at least put on the appearance that I am that my cousin can do so effortlessly. The offer was made to my aunt long before my grandma passed. (Even then every member of my family knew that my aunt and cousin living together would end like something from the Terminator movies.) At the time that I asked my aunt to live with me, we had a house that had a bonus room right over the kitchen/garage with it's own staircase and could have easily been converted to a room with just a door, it already had a closet and was right across the hall from a bathroom. She said no. Had she said yes, I would have fought tooth and nail to hang on to that house, even though I grew to hate that house with every ounce of my being. Knowing that saving the house and keeping it was bigger than me, I would have done all I could to keep it. But once we moved out of it and into the house we are in now, no way. There simply isn't enough room. Would I let her go homeless? NEVER! We would make due. However, it's not my house to open up in that way, we are renters and would have toget the ok. PLUS AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, she and HER DAUGHTER need to work this out somehow, someway! This is not my problem to fix and not my mom's problem to fix.

I just think that if my cousin does do this, makes her leave, that my cousin can live with herself. I couldn't do it my mom. Could you? Could you knowing send your mom out there in the world with limited resources knowing that in about two years she will be penniless and have no where to go? Could you do it? Am I missing something here?

And did any of this make sense? Or is this just some big rambling mess? I tend to not make as much sense as normal when I start to ramble on and on and on...

The First of Many...

2010-05-14T07:13:00.001-07:00

So, I'm starting a this new blog. Why? In short, I want to be able to complain more! (and I went back to blogger becasue I wanted a pretty blog that I could change up without having to pay for it because I'm nothing if not cheap! Though I will miss some of the features of Wordpress)

For example, at my job, the IT department has blocked nearly ever site known to man. We just went through a big upgrade and blah, blah, blah, and still they say all these sites are a drain on the bandwidth (and some, like Flickr, are just against the IT policy). What. Ev. Er. I think they have a new toy and are having fun playing with it.

I picture them in some sort of dungeon and dragon garb with swards made out of tin foil saying, "Let's block this site! And this one! And this one too!" Sooo, I want to be able to complain about that and the fact that when my printer stopped working the other day and they overtook my computer from their remote location (somewhere near where the Lord of Rings was filmed, I'm sure) they saw that I was listening to streaming media, my favorite radio station- had they given me a heads up and not just taken over WHILE I WAS WORKING I would have closed all open sites. What do they do? They not only block it ASAP- I mean, the site was blocked in the blink of an eye! They called my supervisor! So. Not. Cool. They could have called me first and said, "Yo. You can't listen streaming media anymore." I would have rolled my eyes and sighed and still complained, but no harm - no foul. To call my supervisor before talking to me was crossing the line. I officially hate all of them now. And if you do any IT work, we probably can't be friends because of this.

How does all this cumulate into a new blog?

Well, my supervisor wasn't always my supervisor. Because of a change in the Org. Chart, she is now my supervisor. And before I got smart and read on how to block people from certain things on Facebook, she could see when I posted a new post via twitter updating as soon as I hit submit and twitter updating my Facebook status just as quick.

And truth be told, since I've gotten this job, I didn't like that my blog was so public. Now, I doubt my supervisor reads my blog late at night looking for ammo to get me fired, but I'd rather not take that chance, ya know. I don't know what she saved in her My Favorites up there in her toolbar.

So, are any sites at your work blocked? Do you work for your company's IT dept, if you do, can you explain why they are such jerks? And have this holier than thou attiutude? And why would they go to my supervisor instead of me first! And how will I ever be able to trust another human again?